I love my little girl

My little girl was sick today -- fever of 103.5. It took a high fever for me to realize what a wonderful, beautiful blessing she really is. The hitting and the food throwing and the whining are not what really matters. They are just part of growing up. What matters is that she is my child and I love her more than anything.

I just spent the last 30 minutes rocking her in the glider. I haven't done that in many many months. She's always too active and too busy. And let's be honest here, I'm always too busy too. Too busy doing the dishes or cleaning the kitchen or checking my email or whatever else I have on my to-do list.

What I sometimes forget is that she and her brother are at the TOP of my to-do list. Not bathing them or feeding them or washing their clothes. But loving them. Just BEING with them. That's what being a real mother is all about.

having a hard time with Avery

I love Avery to death but she is so challenging. Right now there are 3 main issues that are going to be the death of me. She hits other kids (as well as Phil, myself and sometimes Tyler), she throws all of her food and I mean every last morsel and she whines ALL.DAY.LONG.

Ok one issue at a time. The hitting. The part that stresses me most is that I honestly DO NOT know what to do when it happens. I spoke to a friend who is a child psychologist a few weeks ago and she told me I need to remove her from the situation. Well that isn't always possible. I can't just leave playgroup the minute we get there. But it's at the point now that I don't even want to go anymore. It's embarrassing. I don't want my kid to be the bully. But she is. It is a horrible, horrible feeling and it makes me so sad. I will never ever judge a parent of a "bully" again. I promise you if I knew how to stop this behavior I would in a heartbeat.

My friend said this is all related to bringing home a new baby and wanting to get my attention. The hitting only happens in front of me. She is fine if I' not there. I've been trying to give her more attention. I've been taking her to the little kid's gym at my gym every day -- just me and her. But as soon as another kid comes along she starts with the hitting/slapping and it ruins it. I tried taking her shopping with me, just the two of us. I don't even want to go there -- all I can say is NEVER AGAIN. I thought putting her in the childcare at the gym would be good for her. But she throws a tantrum every time I leave her. And then she throws another tantrum every time it's time to go. It's taken me 20 minutes to get her coat on every time. Today I literally had to wrestle her on the floor to get it on. It wasn't pretty.

Next issue -- throwing food. It's getting ridiculous. I basically have to wash my entire kitchen after every meal. We haven't even tried to teach her to use utensils yet because mealtime is so stressful already. She is horribly picky too and I feel so stressed about getting her to eat anything healthy. I feel like a failure at just about every meal. We've tried saying no. We've tried totally ignoring it. We've tried giving her a reward (cookie or jello) if she doesn't throw her food. Nothing has helped. Phil thinks we should just take the food away as soon as she starts throwing. But how can I send her to bed hungry? She is still a baby. She even threw her snack at the gym childcare today. I could tell the teachers there were appalled by her behavior. What kind of kid throws their entire snacktrap across the room?!?!

And the whining. She is 15 months going on 15 years. She's always been this way -- 12 steps ahead of herself. Here's an example. She got the little people dollhouse for Christmas. Most 15-month-olds probably aren't ready to be into dollhouse stuff. But she is SO into it. She wants to make the little people sit in their little chairs. But she doesn't have the fine motor skills yet to do it. She tries and then gets frustrated with herself. So she whines for me to do it. So I put the little people in their chairs and she tries to pick them up and they fall off their chairs. And the whining starts again. And repeat this all day long. If it isn't the little people it's putting bibs on her dolls. And then taking the bibs off. Or dressing them in her pajamas. And then undressing them. She wants the doll in the highchair. And then she wants the doll out of the highchair. It's so constant. She literally says "momma" 182 times a day. "momma, momma, momma..."

I'm sorry this got so long. As you can see I am going crazy here. I think I'd feel better about all of these issues if I had ANY CLUE as to how to deal with them. But I don't. I'm totally stuck and totally exhausted. I just want to raise a kind, well-behaved little girl and I feel like I am failing miserably.

Thank the GOOD LORD that Tyler is so far totally easy and mellow. Fingers and toes crossed that he stays that way because I might go off the deep end if he doesn't.

3 hour naps

are HEAVEN!!!!!!!! That's all I have to say. Avery NEVER did this until the day we brought Tyler home from the hospital, when she was 13 months old. So there is hope for all of you who know the pain of non-nappers!

I joined the gym!

I checked it out last week and was really upset about the childwatch. It just seemed like way too many kids. I went again today to a different branch and the toddler area was blocked off in their own section. It's no bigger than my kitchen and always has an adult on watch. Today there were 3-4 kids and at most there are 7-8. The infant area is the same way in a separate area. I am ok with this.

The staff was really nice and knowledgeable and Avery immediately attached herself to the woman in the toddler area. Unfortunately the woman had to leave to pick up her child at school and Avery melted down and they had to come get me because she was so upset. But the good news is THEY CAME TO GET ME, which is what I asked them to do. So I didn't get to finish my class but oh well. My kids were safe and cared for. And I had a whole 30 minutes TO MYSELF!

I can't wait to go back tomorrow. Hopefully Avery will do a little better and I'll get to finish a whole class. I am SO excited to get my body back -- 7 more weeks to Aruba!!

I think we have a routine!

This was one of my biggest anxieties before Ty was born -- how on earth would I manage my time to meet both of their needs. Well it's taken us 6 weeks but I think we've settled into a routine and it actually works!! The only issue is that there aren't any big windows of time to go out and do any errands because somebody always needs to be fed or Avery is napping. I'm hoping once Avery fully drops her morning nap it will free up some time to go out and get things done.

So here is our 15-month/6-week routine!

6:00 wake-up call from both babies, luckily Avery will play in her crib by herself for a while
6:00 change/feed Tyler
6:30 Avery breakfast
7:00 my coffee/breakfast
7:30 Tyler nap (usually on my chest in the ergo)
8:30 change/feed Tyler
9:00 Avery nap (sometimes she just plays in her crib)
my shower
9:15 laundry/clean
10:00 get both kids dressed
Tyler nap
11:00 change/feed Tyler
11:30 Avery lunch
12:00 my lunch
1:00 Avery & Tyler nap (yippee!!!)
1:30 change/feed Tyler
2:00 watch O.C.
3:00 Avery snack
Tyler nap
4:00 change/feed Tyler
5:00 Avery dinner
5:30 Avery bath
Tyler nap
me cook dinner
6:00 me & Phil dinner
6:30 change/feed Tyler
7:00 Avery bed
8:30 change/feed Tyler
9:00 me and Tyler bedtime
2:30 change/feed Tyler

my letter from work came today

the letter saying I need to make a decision by Jan. 15 about next year. UGH.

I am currently on my 2nd year leave of absence from my teaching job. Phil thinks we've already decided. I've been telling him forever how glad I am that I can stay home, how it would be ridiculous to pay for daycare for 2 kids and how I could never imagine getting out the door with 2 kids and then commuting 45 min and getting to work by 8:00, when I would ever have time to get the groceries, do the laundry, clean the house, etc. -- how much more stressful it would be for all of us.

And this is all still true. But this is so final now. If I don't go back, I lose my job. It's not like I can ask them to hold my position for a THIRD year. I've been in limbo for 2 years now and it's been a safety net for me. I've still been a part of my school community. I've gone to the baby showers, bridal showers, funerals, parades, etc. I've always known in the back of my head that I COULD go back if I wanted to. And when people ask me what I do I still say I'm a teacher.

I was a teacher for 10 years before Avery was born. I was at this particular school for 5 years. It was a REALLY good job. It was a miracle I got hired in that district to begin with. They are the highest paying in the state and I could never find another teaching job that payed as well.

But it's not just that. I had FRIENDS there. I fit in. They were a second family to me. I never minded going to work. And I was proud to tell people what I did for a living. It was a huge part of my identity.

I love being a SAHM and I know how lucky I am that I even have the option to stay home with my children. It is the most wonderful thing in the world. But still, I feel like giving this up is like giving up a part of myself.

There are other options. My friend from work also just had a baby and at one point we discussed job-sharing (basically teaching the same class and each working half the week). She is coming over on Friday and I know it will come up. But in my heart I don't think this is for me. I'm sorry for rambling. I'm just nowhere near ready to make this decision.

"night-night Ty"

Avery's first 2-word sentence!!! We were in Target and he was getting fussy. I said, "Tyler needs a night-night." Avery turns around in the cart (he was in his car seat in the back of the cart) and says "night-night Ty" and then blows him a kiss! I have never been more proud of my little girl. I must say she has REALLY stepped up to the plate on being the big sister. She is SO AMAZING with him!

harder or easier than I expected?

I'd say 2 under 2 has moments of being really easy and moments of being really hard. When everyone is fed and changed and happy then I take a deep breath and look at my beautiful children and say, "wow this is great!" Then 2 minutes later everyone is crying and they are both hungry at once and both have poops in their diapers and groceries that need to be put away and the phone is ringing off the hook and I have to pee and I think, "oh my god, are you joking?!" But the good moments definitely outweigh the challenging ones. I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything.

I think the end of my pregnancy was actually harder than it is right now. I was so big and uncomfortable and it was really hard for me to take care of and play with Avery. And I had so much anxiety about all the unknowns.

Nothing is as scary as I thought it would be. Overall I'd say that I am loving my new life and when things get stressful I just pour myself another cup of coffee or another cup of wine, depending on the time of day.

how to take them to the doctor's today???

We have an appt to re-check Avery's ear this morning. I'm glad because the poor thing just came off antibiotics and is sick again!!! Anyway I'm on my own here so will have to take both kids myself. Should I:

a. Avery in the maclaren, Ty in the ergo -- if Avery gets upset (which she often does at the doctors) it might be hard for me to hold her if he is on my chest
b. Ty in the snap&go, Avery holding my hand & carry her if she runs off -- she definitely might run off
c. double stroller -- pain to get in and out of the car, will take up the whole examining room

These are the kind of logistics that are hard to figure out with 2 under 2!!

ugh and here is my next dilemma -- he is due to eat at some point around our appt time. I could either wake him and feed him right now before we leave or hope for the best and try to get home before he gets hungry. I think it will be hard to feed him there if Avery is screaming adn throwing a tantrum.

2 hours later...

Well, I went with the snap-n-go. I realized I wasn't going to have time to feed him before I left so we just left a little early instead. That gave me just enough time to feed him in the waiting room. Unfortunately he ate too fast and then threw up all over himself and me. Some dumb guy in the waiting room kept telling me what a spitty baby I have.

Avery did fine until I had the nurse look at her diaper rash and she thought she was getting a shot. She freaked out and didn't stop freaking out until we got in the car so I ended up having to carry her out of there. Ty was screaming too. Big old screamfest. And she did take off in the parking lot as predicted.

Oh well, it's done and we all survived. Is it too early for my glass of wine?

a day in the life

I am on my own tonight. Bedtime was challenging. I put Ty in the bassinet and wheeled him from the bathroom for Avery's bath to the nursery to get her in her jammies. He started crying so I tried putting him in his crib instead and was trying to get him to take the paci. Then I realized I had left Avery on the changing table alone!!!! OMG I have NEVER done that before. I feel like the worst mom ever. Thank GOD she was so concerned about her brother that she stayed totally still. Usually I am wrestling her while she is trying to climb or roll off. I don't know what I would have done if she had fallen off the changing table.

This is the second huge safety mistake I've made since Ty was born. The first was when I left the gate open at the top of the stairs and Avery climbed half-way down on her own. I don't know what my problem is (sleep-deprivation maybe??) but it really needs to stop.

This is the first time I've sat still all day long. Both babies are sleeping and everyone survived the day. I am having wine and cookie dough for dinner. I feel like I deserve it today.

Dear Tyler -- 9 days old

Dear Tyler,

You are 9 days old today. You are the most beautiful, sweetest, most cuddliest little boy I have ever known. I fall more in love with you every minute. I apologize in advance if this letter turns out to be short. I've been writing it to you in my head for a few days now. But life with two babies is busy and your mama is one tired lady.

So I'll just tell you about my favorite part of the day. Naptime. Your sister has been napping better than ever since we brought you home (thanks to bribery and dairy-free cookies.) And her naptime is our naptime. I get you undressed to your diaper, lie you on my chest and wrap you up in my bathrobe. I put my hand against your back and plant little kisses on your tiny face. You love the warmth of me. We get comfy on the couch together and turn out the lights and just hang out. It is the one time of the day that I stop everything. I don't answer the phone or the door. I don't do dishes or laundry or dust. I don't get out my computer. We just spend time being together. I love watching your tiny little arm stretched out across me. I love your funny little expressions while you sleep. And I love listening to you breathe. There is nothing better.

When I was pregnant with you, I was scared. Not scared of losing you like I was with your sister. I was scared of having you. I didn't know how I would ever manage life with two babies. How would I take care of you both? Feed you both? Love you both? I was sure I would lose myself in the process.

Well little man, you've surprised me. None of those things turned out to be scary at all. No, sweetie, they've been wonderful. I never knew how much I wanted you until you got here. And now I couldn't imagine life without you. You have given me a whole new perspective. You have taught me to slow down and enjoy the moment. You have reminded me how to take one day at a time. You have forced me to breathe.

You are one special little boy. I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

checking in

Avery is doing amazing with the transition. She just loves her new baby. Yesterday he was crying and she ran to get him her dolly bottle. It was so cute. My mother-in-law and I took her for her first haircut yesterday as something special to do as a big girl. Something about having a new baby made me suddenly ready for this 1st haircut I've been putting off. It was so much fun! The boys stayed home and watched football. I think Phil loves having a son. It melts my heart. And I do too. I never knew how much I wanted a little boy until I had one. I am so in love.

Home Sweet Home!

Eveything is going great! Sweet little Tyler has pretty much just slept and made cute faces. Barely a fuss all day long. He is doing ver well on the formula and I don't think he has the same milk allergy that Avery did. He even had his first real poop!

Avery is very happy to have us home and is very excited about the "baba". She even learned how to say Ty. She was VERY excited about finally putting a real baby in the swing and was jumping up and down and clapping. She's still not feeling too great but she's hanging in there.

My in-laws have been so great. They've done all the cooking/cleaning/laundry/groceries/etc. And I am doing pretty good. Would love some time to sit here and catch up with all of you but I'll have to wait for my in-laws to leave for that I think. Still really tired and a little emotional and on edge but not too bad. Tyler and I took a wonderful nap together this afternoon -- I just love snuggling with my little man. And I am on my second glass of wine!

the night Tyler was born

introducing Tyler Jacob

IT'S A BOY!!!!!

Welcome my beautiful boy Tyler Jacob!!! November 4, 2009, 12:48am, 8lbs 5oz 21 inches

On Tuesday morning I took Avery to a sing-along at the library and then to the park with a friend. It was a very normal day. I had given up on trying to get this baby to come and accepted that I would just be pregnant forever.

By the time I got home from the park and fed Avery lunch I started to feel really crampy. Around 2:00 I was changing her diaper and had to call for Phil because the contraction was hard enough that I couldn't stand up at the changing table. I knew this was something -- finally!

I still didn't want to call our "people" because I was so worried it was false labor. My sister-in-law finally came at 4:00 to pick up Avery, and Phil and I cleaned up the house and got everything ready. I tried to relax but the contractions picked up and we decided it was time to go!

The car ride wasn't so bad. The contractions were coming 5 minutes apart. It was a beautiful clear night with a near full moon. I wanted to remember everything and made Phil pull over and take a picture!

Got to the hospital around 6:30 and was very pleased to find out I was 4-6cm considering my cervix was still closed as of Monday. From then until midnight my labor was wonderful. I actually really enjoyed it and kept saying how much easier it was than Avery's labor. I spent a lot of time in the tub and it was like being at a spa. I loved it. The contractions were painful but nothing I couldn't handle. I never got the epi. Phil was an awesome coach and reminded me through every contraction that I was doing a great job and it would be over soon.

My midwife checked me again at 12:30 and I was a 7. This is when things got crazy. My water broke and then everything just started happening SO FAST. I went from a 7 to a 10 in less than 15 minutes. The contractions were right on top of each other and I thought I was going to die. Lots of screaming. Then I had the sudden urge to push and nobody was ready. They kept telling me to wait but I couldn't help it. Three pushes later he was born!!! This was at 12:48am.

The cord was wrapped tightly around his neck and he was blue and not crying. I swear he opened his eyes and looked at me though so I never felt scared. I knew he was going to be ok. They had to take him away (just to the other side of the room -- I could still see him) and I still didn't know if it was a boy or a girl. I thought I saw a little "pecker" (as my grandma would say) as they took him away. And then Phil yelled, "It's a boy!!!" That moment was so incredible. Everyone in the room stayed very calm so I had no idea what was going on. Phil saw everything though and was scared to death.

Anyway little Tyler is perfectly fine now. He is sleeping away so peacefully. He has a full head of dark hair and looks so much like Avery did as a newborn. I am so in love all over again. Avery is coming to visit around 11 and I am so excited for her to meet her baby brother!!!

well if he doesn't have a pecker...

then he doesn't have a pecker. So be it.

This is what my grandma just said to me on the phone. Ha!!

fun day with Avery

I took Avery to the Halloween parade at my school. I loved my old school -- loved my co-workers, loved the parents, loved the kids. I got to see EVERYONE today. It was SOOOOOOO much fun. I must say I think I had the cutest little bumble bee there! Avery absolutely LOVED seeing all the kids. She was in her glory dancing around the parade. Of course I couldn't get her to stand still and smile for a picture but that's ok. And of course my "little pumpkin" was a huge hit. Some of the kids asked me if it was real. LOL. I am so happy BB decided to stay in and let Avery and I enjoy this very fun day!

boo!

Look, I swallowed a pumpkin!

The dancing did nothing -- stupid cervix :(

My cervix is still soft and open on the outside but closed on the inside so she couldn't strip my membranes. Not much more to report. Everything else looked good. She told me some women just have longer gestations. Great, I've been blessed with long gestations. How wonderful.

ok, BB can stay in

My mother-in-law had her consultation with the surgeon today. Her surgery will be sometime between Nov 12 - Nov 19 which means there is a really good chance she will not miss BB's grand entrance and she and my father-in-law will be able to come and take care of Avery. I am SO relieved!! I also feel like if her doctors were THAT worried they wouldn't be putting the surgery off for another 2 weeks.

So as much as I really want to meet BB I am ok with him/her cooking as long as needed. If BB wants a November birthday who am I to decide otherwise?!

And I'll feel a lot better about getting induced at 41 weeks if BB hasn't shown up by then rather than being induced today at 39 weeks. Do you hear that BB? I'll give you 2 more weeks if you need it. But I'll take you any time now!!!!

I could have been induced today

But we decided to go with Mother Nature instead. I know it was the right decision but I still feel like kicking myself. I just want to meet my baby already!

My mother-in-law's surgery will likely be the beginning of next week. She'll know more after her consultation with the surgeon today. If BB doesn't come before the surgery my in-laws will not be able to come. It's going to REALLY suck if she misses the birth of her grandchild. Then I will be really kicking myself. And we have not really figured out a plan B for Avery yet either.

Come on Mother Nature!!!!!!!

family date

We were walking through Faneuil Hall today in Boston and some guy walked by and yelled, "WOW!" and then starting laughing really hard. Then a few seconds after he passed us he yelled, "but you ain't got nothing in the back, god bless you!" I turned to Phil and said, "was he talking to ME?!?!?!" Turns out he was. LOL.

I was actually flattered by this. At least I "ain't got nothing in the back", right? I still can't figure out if he was saying wow and laughing because I am pregnant while pushing a baby in a stroller or because my belly is just THAT big. Has he never seen someone this pregnant before?!

dance this baby out

I hate this

I know you all think I am so patient because we didn't find out the sex but the truth is I am the LEAST patient person you will ever know. I HATE WAITING!!! Last night was such a tease. I'm sorry for teasing all of you too. This morning I have nothing. NOTHING. NADA. ZERO. I'm frustrated.

I'm just ready already. I want to meet my baby. I want to know if I am going to have a son in my life or two little girls. I want to know if Avery will go through life with a brother or a sister. I can't stand waiting anymore!!!

I hate not knowing when. It could be today, it could be 3 weeks from today. This is the part that is hardest for me. It is seriously making me crazy. Ok, I'm sorry for whining. I know there are much bigger things in the world and this is nothing to complain about. I just had to vent for a minute.

I think we've decided

to let nature take its course. We haven't finished talking about it and Phil says he wants to sleep on it. But I know him. And I know he doesn't want to do the induction. And he doesn't think his mother would want us to do it just because of her either.

We need to make a serious plan B for Avery which might include Phil coming home both nights (if possible) in time to do bedtime with her. It will be harder on all of us -- me, Phil, Avery, my mother-in-law. But I really just don't think I'm comfortable evicting BB before he/she is ready if it isn't medically necessary.

I have come to believe that this child was conceived at this time for a reason. And likewise this child will come into the world at a certain time for a reason. It's not up to me (or any of us) to decide when.

But I'm still hoping it's sooner rather than later!!

38 weeks

The update is there is no update. BB is still great. My cervix is still soft but pretty much closed. My midwife was not concerned about H1N1. I am feeling a little better today and I think it's just a slight cold. I talked to her about our mother-in-law predicament. Basically she has to have surgery the beginning of Nov (basically right around my EDD) and will not be able to help with Avery if BB decides to wait until then to arrive. My midwife mentioned the option of elective induction next week. I am REALLY torn on this. I have never been a big fan of elective inductions and can't even believe I am considering it. I am more of a let-mother-nature-do-its-thing kind of girl. The only other option we have for Avery is my brother & sister-in-law but they have 3 young kids of their own. Having my in-laws come here is definitely the best and least disruptive option for Avery. Doing what is best for her is my biggest priority. And knowing exactly when we'd be leaving for the hospital would make things a lot easier in that respect. But of course I want to do what's best for BB too. I don't like the idea of evicting him/her before it's really time. I don't like the idea of putting drugs into my body if it's not necessary. But I also know plenty of people who were induced and their babies turned out just fine. As for me, I think I would feel a little robbed about not going into labor on my own. I loved that part of it with Avery. Everything about it was so exciting. But I guess I had that experience with her. Maybe it's ok if I don't get it again? Like I said Avery & BB's needs are more important than my own this time around. I would still be able to labor in the tub and she said I'd still have a good chance of going naturally. MWs use pitocin differently than OBs. She said they use it much more gently and gradually so the chance of it leading to a c-section is less than if I were being induced by an OB. And of course I don't want mother-in-law to miss this. She is like the mother I never had and I love her dearly. I really WANT her to be a part of it and stay with us afterwards like she did with Avery. I'd hate for her to have to miss that and be dealing with the whole cancer scare instead. That would just suck for her. So as you can see I am really torn. We have to decide by Wednesday. Phil says he still needs more time to think about it but I think he would rather let nature take its course.

final boy name

We had a great time on our date although we feel lame that we were home by 8:00. Oh well. We're homebodies I guess.

Avery did great -- this is the FIRST time anyone has ever put her to bed besides myself or Phil or my mother-in-law. She cried for 10 minutes (not uncommon for her at all) and then rolled over and went to sleep. I'm so proud of all the progress she's made. And I really like/trust our babysitter. This was a HUGE step for us.

We had a really honest talk about names. In the end we both agreed that my maiden name is more appropriate as a middle name, not a first name. There are a lot of other reasons/associations/family issues and I do think this is the right decision. I'm glad we took the time to really talk it through. It was important.

And in our talk we both fell more in love with Tyler. The name means so much to Phil because of his friend Ty. I mean the guy died trying to save his wife's life -- can you get more noble than that? It means so much to me to give our son a name with such meaning.

I don't think Tyler Jacob flows quite as nicely but we aren't really planning on saying the first and middle name together all the time anyway. And in the end meaning is more important to me.

So after this very long explanation BB will probably turn out to be a girl! And FWIW I've been having somewhat painful contractions since dinner...

officially unattached!!

I can honestly say I think we fixed it. Phil is upstairs giving her a bath right now and she is nothing but laughs and squeals. There has been NO crying -- NONE -- in a few days now. If I had known it was going to be this easy I would have done it LONG ago. I'd say it took about a week -- there was A LOT of screaming the first few days but we didn't cave and I guess she finally learned that screaming about it was pointless.

I have now left her with the babysitter twice and she did great both times. Again, no crying. I also left her with my brother and sister-in-law (and her cousins of course) and she loved it and had a blast. This is like a HUGE weight off my chest. I will be able to spend time with BB without her and she will survive.

And the best part is that she seems all-around just happier lately. Listening to the two of them up there right now singing and laughing together while I sit down here and relax is seriously the most wonderful thing in the world.

37 weeks

Just got home from my 37-week appt. All is well. BB is head down and ready for action. My midwife did an internal and said I was better than a 0 but not quite a 1, whatever that means. I guess my cervix is ripe and soft and things have "started" but my inner cervix is not quite open yet. Part of me thinks that's just what they say so you're not disappointed about no progress. She said I could go into labor tonight or it could be a few more weeks. Lovely.

Anyway at the end of my appointment she said she's see me next week...or maybe she wouldn't. That gave me a little bit more hope. Sorry I don't have more to report!

ok, what am I forgetting?

*hospital bag, labor bag and Avery's bag are all half-packed with a list of last minute things to be added
*Avery's information list is printed and ready to give to MIL (yes I typed up 5 whole pages about her routine/meals/etc.)
*infant seat installed
*extra seat for Avery installed in SIL's car -- she will be getting Avery when I go into labor
*will be getting another extra seat to put in DH's car so IL's can get Avery from SIL's house and to/from the hospital
*bottles & pacis sterilized and ready to go
*gender-neutral clothes all washed and put away (will send Mom out to buy boy clothes if BB is a boy and will ask MIL to wash girl clothes if BB is a girl)
*bassinet set up in our room
*3 changing stations set up with diapers/wipes/etc. (nursery, PnP, our bedroom)
*swing set up just outside gate to the kitchen so Avery cannot attack
*bouncy seat set up inside PnP so Avery cannot attack
*other bouncy seat set up in our bathroom so I can shower
*still don't know where to put activity mat -- might just do tummy time when Avery is upstairs sleeping
*totally stocked on groceries & supplies -- even made a meatloaf and put it in the freezer for our first official meal with our family of 4
*stocked on pads/hemmoroid cream etc. for me
*double stroller ready to go in the garage -- still have to learn how to use it
*email list created
*Kerri's # in my phone so DH can text her asap and she can let all of you know

Am I missing anything??? I'm finally feeling READY!

I don't think I can do this -- totally overwhelmed

I don't even know where to begin. What the f&*&**& was I thinking?!?!? Unless having an infant and a 1-year-old is easier than being pregnant with a 1-year-old (which I'm almost positive it isn't) I am totally screwed. I am at my breaking point. I know there are other people out there who have had babies this close together and survived just fine. But they don't have an Avery.

I love my daughter more than anything. But let's be real. She is not like other babies. She is wild and crazy. I love her for it. I'm SO proud of her all the time. But she's CHALLENGING. She hates the car. She hates the stroller. She basically hates anything that keeps her in one place. And she barely naps. So basically she never gives me a break. I am either entertaining her or chasing her ALL DAY LONG. I just don't see how this is going to work with an infant. It is already not working now and BB isn't even here yet.

I just feel like I am not going to make it. I have no picture in my mind of how this is going to work. And I am absolutely SCARED TO DEATH. Thank you for letting me vent...again.

holy crap, I don't hear screaming!!

No, I HEAR LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil is giving Avery a bath and this is the FIRST time she hasn't screamed the whole time. She did scream on the way up the stairs and for the first few minutes but the screams just stopped and out came the laughing. The two of them took a special trip to Target before dinner to pick out a special rubber ducky (it was a football one of course) and we all made a big deal of feeding, kissing and loving the ducky. We named it "ducky lovey". And I guess IT WORKED!!!

I'm so excited I think I might start crying!

she did GREAT with the babysitter!

Wahooooooo!!!!! I am SOOOOOOO happy! She called mama a few times right after I left but no crying at all. I took out a few new puzzles that she hadn't seen yet right before I left. That worked well. Babysitter said she ate all her lunch, drank her whole sippy and was happy as could be the WHOLE time. I am seriously doing the happy dance right now! Plus she just went down for her nap within minutes.

you will laugh at me

So after I wrote that last post about how Avery has made no progress with the separation thing and she will probably scream for the rest of her life every time Phil gives her a bath, he comes down the stairs and says, "It went great!"

Ha! Apparently she screamed during the bath but she wasn't calling for mama. She was screaming for her lovey! I do think this is progress. Now we just need to find a waterproof lovey and we will be all set!

After he got her out of the bath and gave her lovey back she was fine. Fine for jammies, fine for the story, fine for going in her crib. Went to sleep just FINE. I never even went up to say goodnight. I was planning to but Phil said it was going so well he decided to go with it and not call me up. And all that time I was panicking that this was never going to get any better.

Well at least now we know where she gets her "drama-queening" from. LOL.

separation anxiety update

no progress. none.

Who ever knew we'd have to do CIO for BATHS?!?!?! I think I have the most stubborn baby/toddler on the planet. She wants me to bathe her and will SCREAM at the top of her lungs every single night. I don't think she is anywhere close to giving in. Thank GOD Phil is much calmer than me and doesn't get frazzled by all the screaming. I on the other hand, feel like I am going to puke.

Please somebody tell me this will only take a few more days. I can't do this every night for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow I am leaving her with the babysitter. Shoot me now if she screams like this the whole time I am gone. Crying doesn't bother me. But let me just tell you, my lovely daughter takes it to the EXTREME. And it SUCKS.

bringing Avery to the hospital?

I hadn't even considered her NOT coming but there was a big debate about this over on 2u2 yesterday. Now I'm really reconsidering. For one hospitals have a lot of germs. But that's not really the main thing.

Given her separation issues I'm worried about her seeing me and then having to leave me there. I feel like it's going to break her heart. Of course I want her to come for MY sake but is this really going to be the best thing for her? Is she too young to handle it? Also I am planning on having another natural birth but what if it doesn't turn out that way? What if I am hooked to an IV or something? I'm afraid it will really scare her. Plus I know her and she'll want to run around all over the place and I'm guessing the hospital room won't be very child-proofed.

She'll be staying at home with my in-laws and obviously they'll want to come ASAP to see the baby so I'm just not sure what to do. I certainly don't want them leaving her somewhere else so that THEY can come, you know? I want to make this transition as smooth for her as possible. I'm just not sure what to do.

Ugh, having a baby with a baby is SO much more confusing...

Avery is screaming upstairs

Can I ask for some advice on this? Our plan was to slowly phase me out. Instead of being the primary "bather" I now do all the background stuff -- running the bath, getting the washcloth, turning on the music, etc. and Phil does the actual bathing, undressing and dressing.

Then he rocks her on his lap while I read a story. She is actually ok with this part. Basically we've reversed roles. We're thinking we'll phase into him just doing everything and me staying downstairs.

But maybe it would be better if I was just out of the picture altogether??? And maybe just went up at the end to stay goodnight? Do this every night or just every few nights?? Any other ideas?

Phil is pretty ok with her screaming her head off and doesn't get too stressed about it. I, on the other hand, feel like my heart has been ripped out and that I am probably scarring her emotionally for life.

Dear Avery -- happy 1st birthday!

Dear Avery,

I'm sorry this letter is belated. I've had it written in my head now for a week but it's getting harder and harder to find the time to sit down at my computer and write. You are one busy little lady and I am one tired pregnant mama.

You are 1-year-old now. I don't know how or where the time went. But it did. You had such a wonderful birthday weekend. You woke up on the day of the your birthday all smiles and squeals. Daddy and I went to greet you and we sang you the first of many "happy birthdays". You danced and jumped up and down in your crib and sang along with us. You knew it was going to be a special day. Nana and Papa came to visit and we took you to the farm. I can't say you loved the goats (don't worry, I don't really love goats either) but you sure had a ball in the pumpkin patch. And boy did you have fun playing with your papa.

Saturday was the day of the big party. You were in your glory with all the kids running around our yard. I don't think you stopped moving the entire time. You loved every minute of it. So did I.

A year ago we brought home from the hospital this tiny, mysterious stranger. And somehow along the way you have become a little person. My best friend. My love. My daughter. Daddy and I are so proud of you. You are smart, affectionate, curious and always so independent. You can say mama, dada, nana, papa, bye-bye, pumpkin, car, and backpack. You can sing and dance and jump. I think your laugh will always be my favorite sound in the world.

Tonight I had an honest talk with you. I told you that the baby is coming. It's coming soon, sweetheart -- just four more weeks. Of course you don't know what that means. Yes, you love to kiss my belly but you have no idea what's in there. You're still a baby yourself. But I need you to understand what it doesn't mean. This baby is no replacement for you. And I will never love you any less. I will love you double.

Last week at the grocery store the cashier asked me how far apart my babies will be. When I told her 13 months she looked horrified and told me she hopes her daughter doesn't make the same mistake as me. I wanted to spit at her.

Being 8 months pregnant and taking care of you is challenging. I have days that are really, really hard -- days when I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed I can only bury my head and cry. Some days I am really terrified about adding another new life to the mix.

But let me tell you this. You are no mistake. And neither is your brother or sister. The two of you are God's greatest gifts to me. I will always cherish you. I thank my lucky stars every single day. I love you both more than you could ever know. I hope you always know that.

Love,

Mommy

35 weeks

MW couldn't feel the head and thought the baby might be breech so I had to have an u/s. I was excited about that but Avery certainly didn't enjoy sitting there in the stroller in the dark -- "mama, mama, mama, mama, mama!!!!!" Turns out the head IS down and everything looked fine.

MW was concerned about my recent throwing-up-so-sick-I'm-going-to-die episodes (last was the night of Avery's party) and I have to go back for an u/s on my gallbladder tomorrow. I also had to test my iron again today. I am terrified of having another hemmorrage after birth.

She also wasn't thrilled with the amount I've been doing lately. She said over-doing it is not going to cause PTL but she ordered me to really take time to put my feet up and rest every day. I really am trying!

She didn't see any need to check my cervix. She said it really doesn't give any information. You can be 3cm for weeks and it means nothing. Fine with me.

My appt which usually lasts 20 minutes took an hour and a half today. Poor Avery. And we have to go back again tomorrow. She was so sweet though hugging and kissing me while the nurse was taking my b/p. I think she thought I was getting a shot like she did yesterday. And then she was hugging and kissing the baby too. I just love my sweet little girl. And my sweet little BB too.

really walking now

Sorry these videos are so late -- she actually started REALLY walking about a week ago and she's getting better every day!

Amy

Dear Avery,

It's been a while since I've written and I'm sorry. Life just gets busy. And well, sometimes I get a little lazy. I am 7 months pregnant now and you are just about 11 months old. So I guess that's my excuse. You are keeping me very busy and your little brother or sister is keeping me very exhausted. And I love you both more than anything.

When you were about 5 months old you got to meet a beautiful person. Her name was Amy. She was the warmest person I've ever known. She and I did our master's program together at UVM but our friendship went so much deeper. Somehow she became my family. I called her Auntie Amy. I think I was like a daughter to her. Silly as it sounds, she kept a picture of me on her refrigerator.

That's the thing about Amy. She was silly. But she didn't care who laughed at her. You couldn't not laugh in Amy's presence. Because Amy was always, always laughing. And her laugh was contagious. That was her greatest gift.

Amy was in the middle of her chemo treatments when your daddy and I got married. She wasn't sure whether or not she'd be able to make it to our wedding. It was a 4-hour trip for her. I'll never forget it though. Daddy and I had just said our "I do's" and were walking along the beach with our photographer. And there was Amy -- yelling "hi Ani!" (that's what she called me) at the top of her lungs and waving her arms frantically and laughing and laughing. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see anyone. A lot of things made my day that day but seeing Amy was definitely one of them.

Amy had a surprise birthday party in March. You were just 5 months old. It wasn't easy to travel with you at that age. You still hated the car and screamed all the way to Vermont. But I knew I had to go and I knew I had to bring you. I just knew she had to meet you. Amy was shocked by the party and even more shocked to see me there. I loved that moment when she saw you for the first time. It totally made her day.

I was only about 5 weeks pregnant at the time and wasn't telling people yet. But as I hugged Amy good-bye, I whispered to her, "I'm pregnant again!" She squealed and laughed and hugged me hard. She was SO happy for me. What a wonderful moment. The picture above was taken just after that -- what a special picture of all four of us. It was the last time I ever saw her. 

We have to cancel our trip to Nantucket this weekend so that Daddy and I can go to Amy's funeral. I was really excited to bring you to Nantucket. It was going to be a really, really fun weekend. But here's the lesson. There are just some things in life that are more important than fun. Honoring a loved one's life is one of them. 

I know that Amy will be looking down from heaven and laughing out loud at the site of me and Laurie together -- both with our big pregnant bellies. My hope is that she'll be feeling just as joyful and loved to see me at her funeral as I was to see her at my wedding.

That's what friendship is all about.

I love you sweet girl.

Love,

Mommy

Look Who's Walking

one-handed walking

No Hands!

Avery has started standing on her own and is just SO proud of herself! I'm thinking her first steps are not far off.

Family Weekend in Cape Cod

Dear Avery -- pee and poop

A lot of people got a good laugh out of these confessions last night so I'll write them out again here. Maybe Avery will have a good laugh some day too.

Dear Avery,

I always change you upstairs in the nursery on your changing table. Problem is you don't seem to like it anymore. You wiggle and kick your legs and toss and turn and make many attempts to crawl right off the table. I bribe you with hairbrushes and remote controls and puffs. But more often than not, changing you is a lot like wrestling an alligator.

So last night Daddy had dinner cooking on the stove and he announced that it would be ready in 3 minutes. You had already eaten and were stripped down to your diaper crawling around like a madwoman. I noticed your diaper looked very full and decided to change you real quick before dinner. In the interest of time I thought I'd do it right there in the family room instead of dragging you upstairs. I pulled a fresh diaper from the diaper bag and pulled your wet one off. I didn't even bother to lie you down first. Only it wasn't just wet. No, to my great surprise, you had yourself a giant poop hiding in there.

I was not prepared at all. I didn't even have any wipes handy. It was too late anyway. Little Miss Kicker that you are, you stepped right into it and then proceeded to step all over me. I shrieked, picked you up by your armpits and started to rush you up the stairs. 

Daddy came to see what all the shrieking was about and yelled out, "There's a turd hanging from her butt!!"

And that's when it happened. Right at the bottom of the stairs, that turd fell right off your butt and landed right in the middle of our tile floor.

I wasn't mad about it. Not at all. No sweetheart, I thought it was just about the funniest thing that ever happened. I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. I laughed so hard my side hurt. I laughed so hard I peed my pants -- which isn't that uncommon these days.

And while we're talking about pee, I have one other quick story for you. Last weekend we went to a 4th of July BBQ at Hunter's house. I peed my pants there too. I had to confess to Hunter's mommy because I kept going back and forth to the bathroom to try to fix it and she asked me what was up. She said she'd let me borrow a pair of maternity pants but she'd already lent them all to me. In fact, I was wearing her pants. Yes, honey, I peed Hunter's mommy's pants.

I guess this is what happens when you spend 17 of the last 21 months pregnant. I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Happy 4th of July!

kissing the baby

only fussy because she REALLY wanted the video camera. But still, what a sweet big sister!

Dear Avery -- 9 months old

Dear Avery,

To my beautiful little girl girl -- I know it doesn't seem possible but I still fall more in love with you every single day. 

I brought you to the beach today. It was Nannie's 85th birthday. Daddy is sick so he stayed home. It was just me and you. And let me tell you, it was a near perfect day. 

I was a little worried about the hour long drive since we all know you're not a big fan of the car. But guess what? You slept like a perfect little angel -- both ways! Mommy remembered your lovey this time and as soon as you had that in your hands you were out. There were NO tears at all.

The weather wasn't great but you didn't care. I didn't care either. You loved the sand, loved the waves, loved the fresh cool ocean breeze and loved all the sounds and smells of the ocean. You loved all the things that I love. And of course you loved playing with your cousins all day. I think you made Nannie's whole birthday. You made my whole day too. 

I just put you to bed. After you finished your bottle you lied there on my chest cuddling into me like you always do. I love when you do that -- looking up at me with your big beautiful eyes, hanging on my every word. I told you tonight how proud I am of you, how proud I am to be your mother. I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

Happy Father's Day