my letter from work came today

the letter saying I need to make a decision by Jan. 15 about next year. UGH.

I am currently on my 2nd year leave of absence from my teaching job. Phil thinks we've already decided. I've been telling him forever how glad I am that I can stay home, how it would be ridiculous to pay for daycare for 2 kids and how I could never imagine getting out the door with 2 kids and then commuting 45 min and getting to work by 8:00, when I would ever have time to get the groceries, do the laundry, clean the house, etc. -- how much more stressful it would be for all of us.

And this is all still true. But this is so final now. If I don't go back, I lose my job. It's not like I can ask them to hold my position for a THIRD year. I've been in limbo for 2 years now and it's been a safety net for me. I've still been a part of my school community. I've gone to the baby showers, bridal showers, funerals, parades, etc. I've always known in the back of my head that I COULD go back if I wanted to. And when people ask me what I do I still say I'm a teacher.

I was a teacher for 10 years before Avery was born. I was at this particular school for 5 years. It was a REALLY good job. It was a miracle I got hired in that district to begin with. They are the highest paying in the state and I could never find another teaching job that payed as well.

But it's not just that. I had FRIENDS there. I fit in. They were a second family to me. I never minded going to work. And I was proud to tell people what I did for a living. It was a huge part of my identity.

I love being a SAHM and I know how lucky I am that I even have the option to stay home with my children. It is the most wonderful thing in the world. But still, I feel like giving this up is like giving up a part of myself.

There are other options. My friend from work also just had a baby and at one point we discussed job-sharing (basically teaching the same class and each working half the week). She is coming over on Friday and I know it will come up. But in my heart I don't think this is for me. I'm sorry for rambling. I'm just nowhere near ready to make this decision.