I love my little girl

My little girl was sick today -- fever of 103.5. It took a high fever for me to realize what a wonderful, beautiful blessing she really is. The hitting and the food throwing and the whining are not what really matters. They are just part of growing up. What matters is that she is my child and I love her more than anything.

I just spent the last 30 minutes rocking her in the glider. I haven't done that in many many months. She's always too active and too busy. And let's be honest here, I'm always too busy too. Too busy doing the dishes or cleaning the kitchen or checking my email or whatever else I have on my to-do list.

What I sometimes forget is that she and her brother are at the TOP of my to-do list. Not bathing them or feeding them or washing their clothes. But loving them. Just BEING with them. That's what being a real mother is all about.

having a hard time with Avery

I love Avery to death but she is so challenging. Right now there are 3 main issues that are going to be the death of me. She hits other kids (as well as Phil, myself and sometimes Tyler), she throws all of her food and I mean every last morsel and she whines ALL.DAY.LONG.

Ok one issue at a time. The hitting. The part that stresses me most is that I honestly DO NOT know what to do when it happens. I spoke to a friend who is a child psychologist a few weeks ago and she told me I need to remove her from the situation. Well that isn't always possible. I can't just leave playgroup the minute we get there. But it's at the point now that I don't even want to go anymore. It's embarrassing. I don't want my kid to be the bully. But she is. It is a horrible, horrible feeling and it makes me so sad. I will never ever judge a parent of a "bully" again. I promise you if I knew how to stop this behavior I would in a heartbeat.

My friend said this is all related to bringing home a new baby and wanting to get my attention. The hitting only happens in front of me. She is fine if I' not there. I've been trying to give her more attention. I've been taking her to the little kid's gym at my gym every day -- just me and her. But as soon as another kid comes along she starts with the hitting/slapping and it ruins it. I tried taking her shopping with me, just the two of us. I don't even want to go there -- all I can say is NEVER AGAIN. I thought putting her in the childcare at the gym would be good for her. But she throws a tantrum every time I leave her. And then she throws another tantrum every time it's time to go. It's taken me 20 minutes to get her coat on every time. Today I literally had to wrestle her on the floor to get it on. It wasn't pretty.

Next issue -- throwing food. It's getting ridiculous. I basically have to wash my entire kitchen after every meal. We haven't even tried to teach her to use utensils yet because mealtime is so stressful already. She is horribly picky too and I feel so stressed about getting her to eat anything healthy. I feel like a failure at just about every meal. We've tried saying no. We've tried totally ignoring it. We've tried giving her a reward (cookie or jello) if she doesn't throw her food. Nothing has helped. Phil thinks we should just take the food away as soon as she starts throwing. But how can I send her to bed hungry? She is still a baby. She even threw her snack at the gym childcare today. I could tell the teachers there were appalled by her behavior. What kind of kid throws their entire snacktrap across the room?!?!

And the whining. She is 15 months going on 15 years. She's always been this way -- 12 steps ahead of herself. Here's an example. She got the little people dollhouse for Christmas. Most 15-month-olds probably aren't ready to be into dollhouse stuff. But she is SO into it. She wants to make the little people sit in their little chairs. But she doesn't have the fine motor skills yet to do it. She tries and then gets frustrated with herself. So she whines for me to do it. So I put the little people in their chairs and she tries to pick them up and they fall off their chairs. And the whining starts again. And repeat this all day long. If it isn't the little people it's putting bibs on her dolls. And then taking the bibs off. Or dressing them in her pajamas. And then undressing them. She wants the doll in the highchair. And then she wants the doll out of the highchair. It's so constant. She literally says "momma" 182 times a day. "momma, momma, momma..."

I'm sorry this got so long. As you can see I am going crazy here. I think I'd feel better about all of these issues if I had ANY CLUE as to how to deal with them. But I don't. I'm totally stuck and totally exhausted. I just want to raise a kind, well-behaved little girl and I feel like I am failing miserably.

Thank the GOOD LORD that Tyler is so far totally easy and mellow. Fingers and toes crossed that he stays that way because I might go off the deep end if he doesn't.

3 hour naps

are HEAVEN!!!!!!!! That's all I have to say. Avery NEVER did this until the day we brought Tyler home from the hospital, when she was 13 months old. So there is hope for all of you who know the pain of non-nappers!

I joined the gym!

I checked it out last week and was really upset about the childwatch. It just seemed like way too many kids. I went again today to a different branch and the toddler area was blocked off in their own section. It's no bigger than my kitchen and always has an adult on watch. Today there were 3-4 kids and at most there are 7-8. The infant area is the same way in a separate area. I am ok with this.

The staff was really nice and knowledgeable and Avery immediately attached herself to the woman in the toddler area. Unfortunately the woman had to leave to pick up her child at school and Avery melted down and they had to come get me because she was so upset. But the good news is THEY CAME TO GET ME, which is what I asked them to do. So I didn't get to finish my class but oh well. My kids were safe and cared for. And I had a whole 30 minutes TO MYSELF!

I can't wait to go back tomorrow. Hopefully Avery will do a little better and I'll get to finish a whole class. I am SO excited to get my body back -- 7 more weeks to Aruba!!

I think we have a routine!

This was one of my biggest anxieties before Ty was born -- how on earth would I manage my time to meet both of their needs. Well it's taken us 6 weeks but I think we've settled into a routine and it actually works!! The only issue is that there aren't any big windows of time to go out and do any errands because somebody always needs to be fed or Avery is napping. I'm hoping once Avery fully drops her morning nap it will free up some time to go out and get things done.

So here is our 15-month/6-week routine!

6:00 wake-up call from both babies, luckily Avery will play in her crib by herself for a while
6:00 change/feed Tyler
6:30 Avery breakfast
7:00 my coffee/breakfast
7:30 Tyler nap (usually on my chest in the ergo)
8:30 change/feed Tyler
9:00 Avery nap (sometimes she just plays in her crib)
my shower
9:15 laundry/clean
10:00 get both kids dressed
Tyler nap
11:00 change/feed Tyler
11:30 Avery lunch
12:00 my lunch
1:00 Avery & Tyler nap (yippee!!!)
1:30 change/feed Tyler
2:00 watch O.C.
3:00 Avery snack
Tyler nap
4:00 change/feed Tyler
5:00 Avery dinner
5:30 Avery bath
Tyler nap
me cook dinner
6:00 me & Phil dinner
6:30 change/feed Tyler
7:00 Avery bed
8:30 change/feed Tyler
9:00 me and Tyler bedtime
2:30 change/feed Tyler

my letter from work came today

the letter saying I need to make a decision by Jan. 15 about next year. UGH.

I am currently on my 2nd year leave of absence from my teaching job. Phil thinks we've already decided. I've been telling him forever how glad I am that I can stay home, how it would be ridiculous to pay for daycare for 2 kids and how I could never imagine getting out the door with 2 kids and then commuting 45 min and getting to work by 8:00, when I would ever have time to get the groceries, do the laundry, clean the house, etc. -- how much more stressful it would be for all of us.

And this is all still true. But this is so final now. If I don't go back, I lose my job. It's not like I can ask them to hold my position for a THIRD year. I've been in limbo for 2 years now and it's been a safety net for me. I've still been a part of my school community. I've gone to the baby showers, bridal showers, funerals, parades, etc. I've always known in the back of my head that I COULD go back if I wanted to. And when people ask me what I do I still say I'm a teacher.

I was a teacher for 10 years before Avery was born. I was at this particular school for 5 years. It was a REALLY good job. It was a miracle I got hired in that district to begin with. They are the highest paying in the state and I could never find another teaching job that payed as well.

But it's not just that. I had FRIENDS there. I fit in. They were a second family to me. I never minded going to work. And I was proud to tell people what I did for a living. It was a huge part of my identity.

I love being a SAHM and I know how lucky I am that I even have the option to stay home with my children. It is the most wonderful thing in the world. But still, I feel like giving this up is like giving up a part of myself.

There are other options. My friend from work also just had a baby and at one point we discussed job-sharing (basically teaching the same class and each working half the week). She is coming over on Friday and I know it will come up. But in my heart I don't think this is for me. I'm sorry for rambling. I'm just nowhere near ready to make this decision.

"night-night Ty"

Avery's first 2-word sentence!!! We were in Target and he was getting fussy. I said, "Tyler needs a night-night." Avery turns around in the cart (he was in his car seat in the back of the cart) and says "night-night Ty" and then blows him a kiss! I have never been more proud of my little girl. I must say she has REALLY stepped up to the plate on being the big sister. She is SO AMAZING with him!