Dear Avery -- 3 months old

Dear Avery,

I can't believe you are 3 months old already! You have gone from being an infant -- a newborn -- to being a real live BABY! You are sturdy and fat and curious and happy and beautiful.

Last night was your first night in your crib. Daddy and I missed you. One of our favorite things to do is to watch you sleep. But we knew it was time to let you do it on your own. Hard as it was, we had to let you grow up a little. We had to let you go.

Turns out you still needed us though. You cried every 20 minutes for your binky. Daddy and I took turns running into your room to give it to you. It wasn't a good night's sleep for either of us but we didn't mind. You still woke up all smiles and that was all that mattered to us.

Some day I suppose you'll leave us again. You'll want to have a sleepover or go on a date or go off to college or get an apartment or get married. That won't be easy for us either. Like last night, we'll miss you. But we'll have to let you go. And as long as you're all smiles, we'll know it's the right thing to do.

You certainly won't be needing your binky by then. But whatever it is you do need, Daddy and I will come running. Whether you're down the hall or around the world, I can promise you this -- we'll be there.

We love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 13 weeks old

Dear Avery,

Daddy and I were just talking about how we get excited to wake up in the morning because we know you'll be there ready to greet us with that big smile of yours. There is nothing more beautiful. And it's even better now that you're consistently sleeping until morning! Every day with you, Avery, is a gift. And I treasure each and every one of them. 

You celebrated the start of your first Hanukkah the other night and are about to celebrate your very first Christmas. All of these firsts with you are so special and I am so lucky to spend them all with you. 

Daddy asked me what I wanted from Santa this year. I told him I already have everything I could ever want.

I love you and Daddy so much.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 12 weeks old

Dear Avery,

Yesterday was our Weight Watchers day. I love bringing you there. And you love it too. You stand on my lap and look around and smile at everyone. You are so social. And boy do you bring joy to all the old ladies at our meeting. They always tell me what a good baby you are!

I didn't lose any weight this week. Actually I gained a little. But it's ok. Because I gained something else while we were there. A new friend.

You'd think that making friends as an adult is easy. Actually it isn't. It's a little bit trickier than it was as a kid. And I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it. 

I've always had good friends. Friendship has been a constant source of joy and energy and warmth and love in my life. I wouldn't trade my friends for anything.

But as I've grown up, so have they. They have jobs and families and travels and schedules. They have lives. And theirs don't always line up with mine. I find myself talking about you sleeping through the night or throwing up all over me or pooping on our neighbor's rug. And you know what? They're not always all that interested. I don't blame them really. I wouldn't have been interested a few months ago either. 

But time marches on. Old chapters close and new ones open.  Kind of like friendships. Only old friendships don't have to end. They are the most special kind. But there's always room for new ones.

So you and I are making new friends together. Thomas is just about a month older than you. The old ladies in our meeting like to say that he's your boyfriend. You sure do love looking at him! Thomas is your new friend. And his mommy is my new friend.

We did the same with our neighbors. Hunter is a month younger than you. He is your other new friend and his mommy is mine. They don't mind talking about poop. In fact, it was his rug you pooped on!

The other day we went to play with Michelle and Zoey. Do you know that Michelle is my oldest friend? I've known her my whole entire life. Our mommies became friends when we were babies. And now our babies are friends. Amazing, isn't it?

Finding a friend is like finding a treasure. I'm so proud of us, Avery. What a wonderful adventure we're having finding them together.

I love you sweet girl.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 11 weeks old

Dear Avery,

I used to worry about postpartum depression. I worried that without working, I'd be sitting at home all day bored to death. I feared that I would desperately miss interacting with other adults. I was afraid I would get frustrated with you. Bored. Lonely. 

Turns out, though, the only postpartum thing I have is postpartum euphoria. I love being at home with you. I am the happiest and fullest I've ever been. I love our walks together. I love playing with you. I love singing to you and dancing around crazy to make you laugh. I love feeding you and bathing you and dressing you and putting little bows in your hair. I don't even mind changing your stinky diapers. I love being the one to take care of you. I just love all of it. 

I've done a good job making friends and keeping busy. We have lunch with Grammy every Wednesday. We see Auntie Shannon and Carter and Mason (and now Hadley!) all the time. We go to Weight Watchers every week. We have playdates with our neighbors. We go to story hour at the library. And we'll be starting a play group soon. I think you're starting to be a little social butterfly just like your mommy.

Sure there are little frustrations here and there. Sometimes you won't eat. Or nap. And sometimes you scream. But when you do, I am the one that gets to soothe you. I rock you back and forth and tell you over and over, "Mama's right here." 

I love that I'm right here. And when you smile up at me, all of that other stuff just disappears. There's no place else I'd want to be.

Before I was your mommy, though, I had another job. I was a teacher. For 10 years. I loved what I did. I was good at it and I was proud of myself for that. Daddy and I made the decision together for me to take this year off. We decided to do it as a gift to you. I wanted to save all of my time and energy and give it to you during this first year of your life. Daddy wanted you to be cared for by me, not some stranger. 

Turns out, this year is a gift to me too. A gift to our whole family I think. As Daddy likes to say, "a happy wife is a happy life." We're pretty happy around here, Avery.

Yesterday we went for a visit to my old school (you were quite a hit with all the ladies and all the kids!) and I realized this. I really don't miss it. It was fun to see my friends. But I don't want to spend my days teaching other people's children. I want to spend my days teaching you.

Someday I may decide to do both. I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. But for now I want you to know how much I just love being your mother. It is the best job in the world.

I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 10.5 weeks old

Dear Avery,

You are not the baby anymore. That's right -- your LITTLE cousin, Hadley Isabel, arrived on Sunday. I am beyond excited that she's here and she's healthy and she's A GIRL!!!!! Don't tell Auntie Shannon or Uncle Craig, but all of my fingers and toes were crossed for a girl! You don't know it yet but I think you're happy about this too.

I have so many dreams for you, sweet Avery. I think that's what mommies do -- they dream for their babies since their babies are too young to do it for themselves. 

And now I can dream for you and Hadley together. That you will grow up as cousins, best friends and "sisters." That you'll share dolls and clothes and shoes and make-up and bows. That you'll trade good laughs and good cries and all of your deepest darkest secrets. You're going to have so much fun growing up together! I just know it.

Let's just hope you don't share boyfriends.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 9 weeks old

Dear Avery,

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. With all the hustle-bustle of your Grandma & Poppy coming to visit, I'm worried I won't have a minute to write to you. So I will do it now.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect, a time to feel grateful for the things in your life. Last year at this time I struggled to feel thankful. My heart was broken and I thought I would never hold a beautiful baby in my arms and know that it was mine.

Today -- just one year later -- I hold you. You are fast asleep on my chest as I write this. I feel your tiny little foot kicking against my elbow and your tiny little fingers gripping on to my sweatshirt. And I hear you breathing in and out. You are so peaceful, so content. It is the most beautiful sound. 

I am thankful for your breath. Thankful for those tiny little fingers and toes. Thankful for all your smiles and your coos. 

I am thankful for you. More thankful than I could ever explain. Some day, when you hold a tiny child of your own, you will understand.

I am thankful for your wonderful daddy too. 

I am a lucky, lucky lady. I didn't know it a year ago. But I won't ever forget it now.

I love you sweet Avery.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 8 weeks old

Dear Avery,

We've started a family tradition. Every night at bedtime we tell one another about the best part of our day and the worst part of our day. Since you can't talk yet, Mommy has to guess for you. But you give me good clues. When you smile big and beautiful, I know you are happy. And when you scream and scream and scream, I know you are not. Yesterday I think the best part of your day was when I read you "Goodnight Moon." You just smiled and smiled and smiled and looked at me with those big wide eyes. The worst part of your day was definitely at the grocery store. Yikes!

Daddy asked me about my best part yesterday. I said it was seeing Grammy's face when she walked into D'angelos. We meet Grammy for lunch every Wednesday. She only gets a 30-minute lunch break but I'm telling you, it is the best 30 minutes of her whole week. Her whole face lights up when she sees you.

That's the thing, Avery. You have a special gift. You bring joy and light to everyone around you. 

Nana and Papa came the other day. It was Nana's birthday. I think spending it with you was her best present. And boy did you smile that big pretty smile at your Papa! We went to visit your great-grandparents, Nannie and Papa Bob, last week too. You followed Papa Bob with your eyes everywhere he went. He felt so loved by you. And I felt so blessed to be there to witness it.

We spend every Thursday with Auntie Shannon and Carter and Mason. When I meet Carter at his bus stop and tell him you are waiting inside with his mommy, he always shouts out a big "YES!" And Mason has started putting a diaper on his "Cookie" and giving him a bottle just like you!

Grandma and Poppy are coming next week for Thanksgiving. They can't wait. And I can't wait to give them the gift of you too. 

I am so proud of you for giving so much joy to all the people around you. I am so honored to be your mother.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 7 weeks old

Dear Avery,

I have a story to tell you today. You have a sister. You are our first-born, yes. But there was a baby -- a life -- that came before you. You have an angel sister. She was created and loved and celebrated. But never born. She went from my tummy straight to heaven. And it was one year ago today that she got her angel wings.

You never got to know her. And neither did we. But she touched us all and left Daddy and I with so much. She gave us joy. She gave us strength. She gave us hope. And more than anything else, she left us with perspective. She taught us to grieve without shame. To appreciate. To love without reservation. To believe in miracles.

She touched a lot of other people too. Strangers. Her tiny little life, short as it was, had weight. She will not be forgotten. 

So today we remember. And we thank her for her precious gifts. In fact, I'm looking at her best gift right now. 

Yes, my sweet girl, she gave us you. 

I love you both so much.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 6 weeks old

Dear Avery,

I left you with Daddy for the first time this week. Three times actually. It was only for an hour or so each time but I couldn't wait to get home to you. It wasn't that I was worried. It's just that I missed you. I hadn't left your side for six weeks. And not for the nine months before that. You've literally been attached to me for close to a year. It's strange to not have you right next to me. You've become a part of me. So much so that I can't even remember my life without you.

You are fast asleep in your swing as I write this. I am typing fast, hoping to get my thoughts out. I know that the minute you wake up, my "me" time is over. I'm hoping you sleep a little longer. But the truth is, I sometimes even miss you when you're sleeping.

I left you with Daddy so that I could go to the gym. And let me tell you, going back to the gym was hard. Not quite as hard as childbirth. But close. I've never not gone to the gym for a whole year before. My body has changed. And it can't do all the things it used to. I've been sore for three days now. 

It would have been so easy for me to not go. Ever. I have you now and I'm busy and out of shape and it takes effort to make the time to get there. And I miss you when I'm gone. And I know you certainly don't care if I'm fat!

But here's what I've come to realize. I need to go back for you as much as much as I need to go back for me. You need a mommy who is healthy and strong and whole. You need a mommy who feels good about herself and is not lost in the giant vast world of motherhood -- and what an easy place to lose your way.

So I make this commitment to you as I make it to me. I will not get lost. I will stand here with my two feet planted firmly to the ground and I will give to you everything I can. I will give you all of myself. 

But I won't let go of me in the process. 

Putting me first is putting you first. And meeting my own needs is the very best way to meet yours, even if it means missing you every once in a while. When I do things to better myself, I end up bettering myself as a mother too.

And anyway, your daddy sure does love his special time with you.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 5 weeks old

Dear Avery,

This weekend you will attend your second funeral. That's right. You have two great-grandmothers who chose to stay on this earth just long enough to know of your arrival and to experience the joy that you brought. Yes, my sweet girl, you have already brought so much joy to this earth.

Ma Doris died on your one-week birthday. She never got to meet you or hold you, but Zayde brought her your picture and you made her smile. I don't think she understood who you were, but she kissed you and loved you all the same. 

Ma Doris had a special saying. It wasn't something she said, though, until the late stages of her life. I guess it didn't come to her until she got old. As her mind drifted away and she got older and older, she said it more and more. At the end it was the only coherent thing she said at all. 

Not a lot of money but a lot of fun. 

This was a funny thing coming from Ma Doris, because there was a time when she actually did have a lot of money. But in the end, when logic and reason and even her own thoughts evaded her, she was left with only the lessons of life. And this is what she had to say, her message to us. The money never mattered. 

So I won't wish for riches for you, my sweet girl. Instead I'll wish for you a life that's rich with fun and happiness. I'll wish for you a life of joy.

Grandma Jane died two days ago. The picture above is of her when she was young. She never got to meet you either, but she knew that you were named for her. Avery Jane. And knowing that was better than a thousand presents. It was one of her greatest honors. I'm so proud of you for giving that to her. 

Daddy knows Grandma Jane a lot better than I do and I'm sure he'll tell you lots of stories about her. But here's what I know. She was strong. She was generous. And she knew how to love. How do I know? Because she brought eight children into this world. And a million grandchildren. And a countless number of great-grandchildren who will keep coming for many more years. She created a family. And this is her proof. If I had to describe her big family in one word, it would be this. Warm. And warmth doesn't just come by accident. It is something that is created only by strength, by generosity and by love. 

Daddy and I were proud to give you the name Jane. We know you'll carry her legacy and make her proud too. You already have. 

Technically the name Jane means by the grace of God. By the grace of God, Grandma Jane lived a beautiful life. By the grace of God, you, our sweet Avery Jane, came to us healthy and whole. By the grace of God, you were the little girl we always dreamed of. God's best gift, his perfect miracle. 

By the grace of God, you came to us. I am so blessed to be your mother. I love you so much.

Love, 

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 4 weeks old

Dear Avery,

Do you know that you love the shower? You don't come in with me, of course, but you love the sound of the running water and the fan so I've started dragging your bassinet in every day while I get ready. 

Yesterday you started to fuss so I quickly jumped out, wrapped a towel around me and put my face where you could see me. And I said what I always say to you when you get fussy, "Mama's right here." Your crying stopped immediately and you looked up at me with those big wide eyes of yours. And then magic happened. 

You smiled.

I'd anticipated this moment forever. You hear about it all the time. Your baby's first smile. What could be more beautiful than that?

What I hadn't anticipated was what it would do to me on the inside. Your happy little face pulled at something deep within me. It melted me. This wasn't just gas. You were actually happy. And you were happy to see me. I've known all along that I loved you. But now here it was written all over your face -- you loved me too. 

Your smile made you more real to me. Suddenly you were more than just an eating/crying/pooping/sleeping machine. You were a person. You had a heart -- a heart that does more than just beat. A heart that feels. A heart that feels happy. A heart that feels loved. It's what I've always wanted for you. It's what I always will want for you. 

May your heart be forever filled with smiles. I love you.

Love,

Mommy

p.s. This is from a song Daddy and I have been listening to lately and it makes me cry every time:

I Loved Her First by Heartland

But I loved her first and I held her first

And a place in my heart will always be hers

From the first breath she breathed

When she first smiled at me

I knew the love of a father runs deep

Someday you might know what I'm going through

When a miracle smiles up at you

I loved her first

Dear Avery -- 3 weeks old

Dear Avery,

It might be hard for me to write this. I have so much I want to say but I haven't quite gotten the hang of typing one-handed yet and I never seem to have a long enough stretch without holding you.

And how I love holding you. I could stare at you forever. Your little silly faces. Your big funny stretches. Your wide curious eyes. Your delicate little mouth. Your soft skin. Your sweet baby smell. I could go on and on...

Before you were born, the thought of caring for an infant really freaked me out. I like kids, but babies? I just wasn't sure. They seemed so alien, so cranky, so breakable. I was never one of those people who loved to hold other people's babies. I just wasn't.

But everything changed for me the minute I first saw you. It's like a switch was turned on. You were mine. And there was nothing freaky about it. It was as natural as falling in love. It wasfalling in love.

I can't believe you are three weeks old already. The idea of you growing up right before my eyes both excites me and makes me want to weep. I am excited to keep getting to know you, to see who you become. I am excited for all the firsts. Who will you first smile at? What

 will your laugh sound like? Will your first word be Mama? Your first steps. Your first play in the snow. Your first day at the beach. Your first swim. I am so excited for all of it.

And I am sad for the passing of moments we will never have again. Even your birth -- and it was such a beautiful birth -- is now just a sweet memory already neatly tucked away. We never get to have it back.

You are now back to your birth weight, 7lbs, 11oz. As much as I've been hoping (praying) that you would finally start gaining weight, I now realize you will never again be this little. By next week you will likely be over 8lbs. And you'll never weigh under it again. You are going to grow. And grow. And grow. I'm not ready for this. I love you little. I wish you could stay tiny forever. I don't want you to grow up.

But I know it's my job to let you.

So I'm going to watch you do it. And I'm going to be proud of every moment. And cherish each of them. Even the little ones. Daddy is sitting across the room from me right now. He is feeding you your bottle. He has your tiny little head cupped in his big strong hand -- you in your cozy pink flowered sleeper and him in his pajamas. He is quietly staring at you. You are staring right back at him. And it melts me. He tells you that you can always have his nipple. He makes me laugh out loud. 

I love this moment. It's one that we won't have back. But how lucky we are that we have a million more to come.

I love you, sweet Avery.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Avery -- 11 days old

Dear Avery,

Before you were even two weeks old, you had already taught me so much. There you were -- tiny little you, just 11 days old and barely 7lbs -- and you were teaching Mommy lessons bigger than I was ready for. And you were completely oblivious to it. 

You taught me that sometimes (not usually but just sometimes) giving up is the right thing to do.

I never believed this before. I'm not a giver-upper. Some may call me stubborn. When I decide I'm going to do something, I do it. It's a quality I quite like about myself actually. I follow through. In fact, I hope you inherit this from me. How do you think I managed to give birth to you naturally? I said I was going to, and so I did.

The first week that we brought you home from the hospital was not easy. It was beautiful, yes. But not easy. My love for you was so sudden, so shocking and so tremendous, I thought I could drown in it. Daddy and I were filled with more joy than we knew what to do with. Then Daddy came down with the flu. That was hard. He wanted so badly to keep you and I healthy that he sacrificed holding you and touching you and being close to you. And boy did he miss you! This broke my heart. And how could I take care of him when I was so overwhelmed by taking care of you? Yes, that first week or so was very hard.

I was committed to breastfeeding you. I had my heart set on it. I bought all the bras and creams and pads. I loved the thought of nourishing you with my own body. 

Only it turns out I wasn't nourishing you. My milk never came in. I don't know why. I gave up on trying to figure it out. All I know is that my little girl wasn't gaining any weight and it broke my heart. We waited it out for 11 days and tried EVERYTHING. It was exhausting and upsetting. And so painful to see you hungry day after day after day. I knew it wasn't supposed to be this way and I couldn't stand it anymore. After a very long weekend of feeding and pumping and supplementing with a medicine syringe and lots and lots of crying, (both me and you) Daddy and I made a decision. We couldn't starve you for another minute. We went straight from the pediatrician's office to Target and bought you a whole car-load full of formula.

And we haven't looked back. You are thriving and happy now. This makes Daddy and I so happy. Looking back on it, I actually wish I had made the switch sooner. I was told the first two weeks of breastfeeding were the hardest. So I was trying to stick it out. Trying to follow through. Keeping my word. 

Being stubborn. 

Now I know there are certain things in life in which trying to be a hero gets you nowhere. There are certain times when giving up is the right thing to do. Feeding your child is one of them. When your daughter is hungry, you feed her. Period.

There are moments now when you ferociously take your bottle in your tiny little mouth and you suck like your life depends on it. Your big wide eyes look right into me and I wonder what you're thinking. I whisper to you my promise over and over again, "Mama's not going to starve you."

I hope you believe me. I love you so much sweet Avery.

Love, 

Mommy

Dear Avery -- night before you were born

Dear Baby,

It is the wee hours of September 25 and I think this might turn out to be your birthday. I am writing this in between contractions as Daddy tries to get some sleep upstairs. I might be interrupted a lot, but I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight and I need a project to pass the time while I'm not on the floor trying to breathe. So writing you this letter it is.

I want you to know about this night -- this magical night that you decided was the right one to come out and meet us. We planned on pork chops for dinner. Daddy always grills the meat and I always do the extras. Tonight it was steamed carrots and warm biscuits. I asked Daddy if maybe he could make the pork chops a little spicy to help give you a boost. Daddy liked that idea. He warned me before our first bite that he might have overdone it. Boy was he right! We both started coughing and turning red right away. It was the hottest thing I've ever tasted. Ever!! And then all we could do was laugh and laugh and laugh. Daddy kept apologizing for ruining dinner but I told him he didn't ruin it at all. He made it one I won't ever forget.

After dinner we decided to take a ride on Rocky Road. This is a dirt road through the woods at the end of our street. Some day it will probably be developed into a beautiful neighborhood. You might not ever remember it as dirt road. But for now it's a special secret path that Daddy and I discovered a few nights ago. It's really really bumpy! It's a little scary too. But it's special. Because we drive down it just for you -- to help give you a boost. And I think you like it. I love having silly adventures like that with your daddy. And I love that you get to have them with us now too.

After Rocky Road we came home and started to watch "The Office." This is Daddy's all-time favorite show. Mine too. But you started letting us know you were getting ready to come out. And Daddy and I are so excited to meet you that we decided to give you one more boost. Daddy and I love to take walks together but we usually walk during the day and it's really dark out at night around here! So we decided to just walk up and down our driveway. We did 24 laps. If the neighbors saw us, I bet they thought we looked really funny!

Then we changed our minds and decided the dark wasn't going to stop us. We put on our sneakers and headed out to the neighborhood. It's a whole other world in the dark. And I loved it. There are so many stars out tonight and Daddy and I both made a wish. Daddy's wish was quick and mine was long. He made fun of me for that but I didn't care. I have a lot to wish for. And I think maybe you heard me.

It's very late now but I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight at all and that's ok with me. I want to spend the whole night with you. I want to tell you how proud I am of you. We are in this labor thing together, ok? And I promise you I'll take care of you through it. I'll take care of you through your whole life. I promise.

So don't be scared, sweet baby. Mommy's not scared either. We'll get through this together, and at the end of it Daddy and I will be waiting for you. The whole world will be waiting for you. 

Happy Birth Day. I love you.

Love,
Mommy