Do you know that you love the shower? You don't come in with me, of course, but you love the sound of the running water and the fan so I've started dragging your bassinet in every day while I get ready.
Yesterday you started to fuss so I quickly jumped out, wrapped a towel around me and put my face where you could see me. And I said what I always say to you when you get fussy, "Mama's right here." Your crying stopped immediately and you looked up at me with those big wide eyes of yours. And then magic happened.
You smiled.
I'd anticipated this moment forever. You hear about it all the time. Your baby's first smile. What could be more beautiful than that?
What I hadn't anticipated was what it would do to me on the inside. Your happy little face pulled at something deep within me. It melted me. This wasn't just gas. You were actually happy. And you were happy to see me. I've known all along that I loved you. But now here it was written all over your face -- you loved me too.
Your smile made you more real to me. Suddenly you were more than just an eating/crying/pooping/sleeping machine. You were a person. You had a heart -- a heart that does more than just beat. A heart that feels. A heart that feels happy. A heart that feels loved. It's what I've always wanted for you. It's what I always will want for you.
May your heart be forever filled with smiles. I love you.
Love,
Mommy
p.s. This is from a song Daddy and I have been listening to lately and it makes me cry every time:
I Loved Her First by Heartland
But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
Someday you might know what I'm going through
When a miracle smiles up at you
I loved her first
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