Dear Avery -- 6 weeks old

Dear Avery,

I left you with Daddy for the first time this week. Three times actually. It was only for an hour or so each time but I couldn't wait to get home to you. It wasn't that I was worried. It's just that I missed you. I hadn't left your side for six weeks. And not for the nine months before that. You've literally been attached to me for close to a year. It's strange to not have you right next to me. You've become a part of me. So much so that I can't even remember my life without you.

You are fast asleep in your swing as I write this. I am typing fast, hoping to get my thoughts out. I know that the minute you wake up, my "me" time is over. I'm hoping you sleep a little longer. But the truth is, I sometimes even miss you when you're sleeping.

I left you with Daddy so that I could go to the gym. And let me tell you, going back to the gym was hard. Not quite as hard as childbirth. But close. I've never not gone to the gym for a whole year before. My body has changed. And it can't do all the things it used to. I've been sore for three days now. 

It would have been so easy for me to not go. Ever. I have you now and I'm busy and out of shape and it takes effort to make the time to get there. And I miss you when I'm gone. And I know you certainly don't care if I'm fat!

But here's what I've come to realize. I need to go back for you as much as much as I need to go back for me. You need a mommy who is healthy and strong and whole. You need a mommy who feels good about herself and is not lost in the giant vast world of motherhood -- and what an easy place to lose your way.

So I make this commitment to you as I make it to me. I will not get lost. I will stand here with my two feet planted firmly to the ground and I will give to you everything I can. I will give you all of myself. 

But I won't let go of me in the process. 

Putting me first is putting you first. And meeting my own needs is the very best way to meet yours, even if it means missing you every once in a while. When I do things to better myself, I end up bettering myself as a mother too.

And anyway, your daddy sure does love his special time with you.

Love,

Mommy