my kids are giving me gray hairs

Last Thursday Avery somersaulted down the stairs and gave me a heart attack.

Sunday morning I rushed Tyler to the ER for a high fever. He was diagnosed with RSV and was admitted for a little over 24 hours. Since then he has had coughing attacks so bad I thought he was going to stop breathing.

This morning I was trying to rush off to the pediatrician (for the 3rd time since Monday) and had to run upstairs to get Avery dressed. I used to carry Ty up with us and let Avery go up the stairs herself but I am so paranoid of her falling again and not being able to stop her if Ty is in my arms. So I left Ty in the bouncy seat downstairs and carried Avery up -- I can't carry them both at once. Avery was in a mood and would NOT let me get her diaper changed. I could hear Tyler crying downstairs but couldn't leave Avery naked on the changing table (story of my life). She took forever and Tyler's crying turned into screaming. I was getting really stressed which just made Avery fight me more. Finally I ran downstairs with Avery half-dressed and Tyler was FACE DOWN in his bouncy seat!!!!!!!! Apparently the little stinker learned how to flip.

This is my own fault since I didn't strap him in and thought he was ok just sitting there. Poor thing scared himself to death and then his screaming turned into a full-blown coughing attack and he puked.

I am so exhausted I could cry. Oh the joys of motherhood.

Dear Tyler -- 2 months old

Dear Tyler,

This will be short. I am always writing letters to you and your sister in my head, they just never make it to the computer. My hands are always so full and my days so busy. By the time you and your sister have been fed, changed, bathed, entertained, rocked, read to, loved, etc. etc. I am just too tired to do much of anything but lie on the couch and watch bad tv. This is probably the busiest I will ever be. Ever.

And exhausting as it is, I love it.

People look at me like I'm crazy -- at the grocery store, the gym, the mall -- and they say, "wow, you sure do have my hands full." Well yes I do. And I couldn't be more proud of it. I love having two babies. I have never been more proud of anything in my entire life.

And I need to thank you, Tyler. I thank you for being quiet, mellow, sweet and easy. I thank you for sleeping so well. I thank you for eating so well. I thank you for going with the flow. I thank you for your big wide smiles that melt me. And I thank you for your patience.

I wish I could write more letters to you like I did for Avery. I wish I could hold you more. I wish I could give you more attention. I wish I could spend more time with just you. But I know someday you will understand why I couldn't. And I know you'll forgive me. And you'll never doubt how much I love you.

So in the meantime I'll make sure that when I do hold you, you feel nothing but warmth. And when I do give you attention, you see nothing but smiles. And when I do spend time with you, you feel nothing but love.

Thank you for being my good little boy.

I love you,

Mommy

tell me I am doing the right thing

I can't leave Avery with a random babysitter in Aruba. I just can't do it. If she were older and could tell us what happened maybe I could. But she's too young. It's a really nice resort and I'm sure the babysitting staff is great. But you just never know. What if somebody god forbid touched her. Or abducted her. Or yelled at her. I just can't do it. And there is just NO WAY she would let somebody else that she doesn't know put her to bed. It would be a total nightmare.

Phil and I haven't had a chance to fully talk about it yet and I hope he doesn't hate me for changing my mind. I'm hoping we can get a credit for the plane ticket and use it in March when we take the kids to Georgia. I also hope my in-laws are ok with watching both kids for a week. it's a lot and I feel bad asking them for so much. But I know they won't say no.

I'm still really upset about having to leave her. I know Tyler won't really miss us but she will. She cries when I leave her at the daycare at the gym and that's only for 2 hours. And then every time another mother comes to get their kid and she hears someone say "mama" she looks for me and then starts crying again when it isn't me. The thought of leaving her for a whole week and what that's going to do to her emotionally completely breaks my heart.

Please tell me I am doing the right thing.

freaking out about our trip

Phil has earned a trip to Aruba through his company, much like our trip to the Bahamas last year. Basically he reached his quota for the year and this is his reward. They pay for every last cent. It was an AMAZING trip last year and I am so proud of him for getting it again. He worked really really hard for this. So basically there is no way I am not going with him.

The plan right now is to leave Tyler with my in-laws and take Avery with us. I have NO qualms about leaving Ty. My in-laws did awesome with Avery last year and I know he is too young to miss us. I will miss him horribly of course but I need to do what is best for my children and I know a week in Aruba is not best for him.

It's Avery I'm worried about. She is still very attached to me and I feel like leaving her for a week would be too devastating for her. I just don't think I can put her through that. She would think I abandoned her. I honsetly think it would break her heart. This is why we decided to bring her this year.

But his company has an agenda and spouses are required to attend all of the events. The resort has a babysitting service but I am so nervous about this. How can I leave her with a stranger in a different country?!!!?!? All of the events are at night or during nap-time so taking her to the events wouldn't really work either. She is not a night owl at all and would be miserable. I'm nervous about getting her to sleep in an unfamiliar place, never mind doing it with a stranger.

I love my little girl

My little girl was sick today -- fever of 103.5. It took a high fever for me to realize what a wonderful, beautiful blessing she really is. The hitting and the food throwing and the whining are not what really matters. They are just part of growing up. What matters is that she is my child and I love her more than anything.

I just spent the last 30 minutes rocking her in the glider. I haven't done that in many many months. She's always too active and too busy. And let's be honest here, I'm always too busy too. Too busy doing the dishes or cleaning the kitchen or checking my email or whatever else I have on my to-do list.

What I sometimes forget is that she and her brother are at the TOP of my to-do list. Not bathing them or feeding them or washing their clothes. But loving them. Just BEING with them. That's what being a real mother is all about.

having a hard time with Avery

I love Avery to death but she is so challenging. Right now there are 3 main issues that are going to be the death of me. She hits other kids (as well as Phil, myself and sometimes Tyler), she throws all of her food and I mean every last morsel and she whines ALL.DAY.LONG.

Ok one issue at a time. The hitting. The part that stresses me most is that I honestly DO NOT know what to do when it happens. I spoke to a friend who is a child psychologist a few weeks ago and she told me I need to remove her from the situation. Well that isn't always possible. I can't just leave playgroup the minute we get there. But it's at the point now that I don't even want to go anymore. It's embarrassing. I don't want my kid to be the bully. But she is. It is a horrible, horrible feeling and it makes me so sad. I will never ever judge a parent of a "bully" again. I promise you if I knew how to stop this behavior I would in a heartbeat.

My friend said this is all related to bringing home a new baby and wanting to get my attention. The hitting only happens in front of me. She is fine if I' not there. I've been trying to give her more attention. I've been taking her to the little kid's gym at my gym every day -- just me and her. But as soon as another kid comes along she starts with the hitting/slapping and it ruins it. I tried taking her shopping with me, just the two of us. I don't even want to go there -- all I can say is NEVER AGAIN. I thought putting her in the childcare at the gym would be good for her. But she throws a tantrum every time I leave her. And then she throws another tantrum every time it's time to go. It's taken me 20 minutes to get her coat on every time. Today I literally had to wrestle her on the floor to get it on. It wasn't pretty.

Next issue -- throwing food. It's getting ridiculous. I basically have to wash my entire kitchen after every meal. We haven't even tried to teach her to use utensils yet because mealtime is so stressful already. She is horribly picky too and I feel so stressed about getting her to eat anything healthy. I feel like a failure at just about every meal. We've tried saying no. We've tried totally ignoring it. We've tried giving her a reward (cookie or jello) if she doesn't throw her food. Nothing has helped. Phil thinks we should just take the food away as soon as she starts throwing. But how can I send her to bed hungry? She is still a baby. She even threw her snack at the gym childcare today. I could tell the teachers there were appalled by her behavior. What kind of kid throws their entire snacktrap across the room?!?!

And the whining. She is 15 months going on 15 years. She's always been this way -- 12 steps ahead of herself. Here's an example. She got the little people dollhouse for Christmas. Most 15-month-olds probably aren't ready to be into dollhouse stuff. But she is SO into it. She wants to make the little people sit in their little chairs. But she doesn't have the fine motor skills yet to do it. She tries and then gets frustrated with herself. So she whines for me to do it. So I put the little people in their chairs and she tries to pick them up and they fall off their chairs. And the whining starts again. And repeat this all day long. If it isn't the little people it's putting bibs on her dolls. And then taking the bibs off. Or dressing them in her pajamas. And then undressing them. She wants the doll in the highchair. And then she wants the doll out of the highchair. It's so constant. She literally says "momma" 182 times a day. "momma, momma, momma..."

I'm sorry this got so long. As you can see I am going crazy here. I think I'd feel better about all of these issues if I had ANY CLUE as to how to deal with them. But I don't. I'm totally stuck and totally exhausted. I just want to raise a kind, well-behaved little girl and I feel like I am failing miserably.

Thank the GOOD LORD that Tyler is so far totally easy and mellow. Fingers and toes crossed that he stays that way because I might go off the deep end if he doesn't.

3 hour naps

are HEAVEN!!!!!!!! That's all I have to say. Avery NEVER did this until the day we brought Tyler home from the hospital, when she was 13 months old. So there is hope for all of you who know the pain of non-nappers!