Dear Avery -- 4 months old

Dear Avery,

You are 4 months old now. You are rolling all over the place, cooing to your "friends", reaching for your toys, trying to hold your bottle on your own, smiling at every new face and always, always laughing at your daddy.

Right now you are sleeping away in your crib, Daddy is on the road, the snow is falling and the house is quiet.

Next week Daddy and I are going away on a trip. I wish you could come with us. But you wouldn't like it very much. It will be hot and sandy and unfamiliar. And your toys wouldn't fit in our suitcase anyway.

So you will stay with Nana and Papa. I know you will love it there. They will shower you with hugs and cuddles and kisses. They will feed you and sing to you and play with you and read you bedtime stories. They will love you to pieces every minute of every day that we are gone.

I'm hoping you won't even miss us. I pray that you are too young to recognize our absence and that you will just be happy to be fed and bathed and loved. I think this is going to be a whole lot harder for me than it will be for you. I'm going to hate leaving you. It's going to just break my heart. 

But I promise to come back. And when I do, I will be rested, rejuvenated and even more in love with your daddy than I already am. I'll also be more in love with you. I will be full of energy and ready to give you my undivided attention and cherish all of our little moments together. I can't wait for that giant toothless smile of yours and those big bright eyes to welcome me home. I am going to swoop you right up and hold you close to me and kiss you all over. 

And you won't even remember that I was ever gone.

I love you.

Love,

Mommy.

Dear Avery -- Tummy Bug :(

Dear Avery,

It's been a rough week. You are sick with a tummy bug and it just seems to be lingering and lingering. Daddy had to go away to Maine for work so it's just me and you, sweetheart. 

Last night was the worst of it. (I hope) There I was with you in the bathroom. Both of us dripping in puke. A puddle on the floor. Your diaper filled with diarrhea. Your body arched in pain. Your screams breaking my heart. Your little helpless face begging me to fix it.

And it hit me.

This is motherhood. Raw and pure and true. This is what it's all about. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a magician. I have neither a prescription pad nor a magic wand. I can't always just make it all go away. The only thing I have to offer you is a mother's love. 

And in that smelly, messy, panicky moment, I had never loved you more. 

My job as your mother is to love the hell out of you. Literally. Love that tummy bug HELL right out of you. And so that's what I'm going to do. No matter how many sleepless nights, dirty diapers and loads of laundry it takes, I am going to love you back to health.

After I got us all cleaned up, I called Auntie Shannon to come over with some medicine. And then I wrapped you up in a towel and I held you close to me. And loved you.

By the time she got here, you were all smiles again. My happy little girl. The tummy bug isn't gone yet. You still don't feel so good. But even so, you are happy. 

And let me tell you, you are so very loved. 

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 3 1/2 months old

Dear Avery,

Yesterday you had your very first big BUMP. You hit that beautiful little head of yours on the family room floor. HARD!!! You screamed bloody murder. Even a dance with your daddy in the mirror didn't make you all better.

It wasn't like I had my back turned or anything. We were playing together on your playmat. I was holding your hands! But still, it happened. And boy did I feel terrible. I'm your mother -- isn't it my job to protect you???

The answer to that, I'm afraid, is yes and no. Unfortunately that won't be your last bump in life. I wish I could spare you from all pain, but the reality is you will have your fair share of skinned knees, stubbed toes and broken hearts just like everybody else. I can do everything in my power to cushion your falls (and I will!) but I can't always stop you from falling.

What I can do, though, is hold you close, rock you in my arms and kiss away your tears when you do fall. That's what I did for you yesterday. 

And it's what I will do for you forever and ever. I love you so much sweet girl.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- Happy 2009!

Dear Avery,

How do I sum up 2008? A year of excitement. A year of wonder. A year of anticipation. 2008 was a year of big changes in the world. Our first black president. The tanking of the economy. Michael Phelps defining new limits.

It was a year of big changes in my world too. It was the year I became a mother. It was the year I got to watch Daddy fall in love all over again. 2008 was the year of you.

How could 2009 ever top that? Well that's the best part. 2009 will be the year of you too. It will be the year of your first steps and your first words and your first birthday. It will hold so many treasures for us. And so will 2010 and 2011 and 2012 and so on and so on.

Every year will be the year of you. Your are ours forever. I really am the luckiest mommy on earth.

I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 3 months old

Dear Avery,

I can't believe you are 3 months old already! You have gone from being an infant -- a newborn -- to being a real live BABY! You are sturdy and fat and curious and happy and beautiful.

Last night was your first night in your crib. Daddy and I missed you. One of our favorite things to do is to watch you sleep. But we knew it was time to let you do it on your own. Hard as it was, we had to let you grow up a little. We had to let you go.

Turns out you still needed us though. You cried every 20 minutes for your binky. Daddy and I took turns running into your room to give it to you. It wasn't a good night's sleep for either of us but we didn't mind. You still woke up all smiles and that was all that mattered to us.

Some day I suppose you'll leave us again. You'll want to have a sleepover or go on a date or go off to college or get an apartment or get married. That won't be easy for us either. Like last night, we'll miss you. But we'll have to let you go. And as long as you're all smiles, we'll know it's the right thing to do.

You certainly won't be needing your binky by then. But whatever it is you do need, Daddy and I will come running. Whether you're down the hall or around the world, I can promise you this -- we'll be there.

We love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 13 weeks old

Dear Avery,

Daddy and I were just talking about how we get excited to wake up in the morning because we know you'll be there ready to greet us with that big smile of yours. There is nothing more beautiful. And it's even better now that you're consistently sleeping until morning! Every day with you, Avery, is a gift. And I treasure each and every one of them. 

You celebrated the start of your first Hanukkah the other night and are about to celebrate your very first Christmas. All of these firsts with you are so special and I am so lucky to spend them all with you. 

Daddy asked me what I wanted from Santa this year. I told him I already have everything I could ever want.

I love you and Daddy so much.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 12 weeks old

Dear Avery,

Yesterday was our Weight Watchers day. I love bringing you there. And you love it too. You stand on my lap and look around and smile at everyone. You are so social. And boy do you bring joy to all the old ladies at our meeting. They always tell me what a good baby you are!

I didn't lose any weight this week. Actually I gained a little. But it's ok. Because I gained something else while we were there. A new friend.

You'd think that making friends as an adult is easy. Actually it isn't. It's a little bit trickier than it was as a kid. And I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it. 

I've always had good friends. Friendship has been a constant source of joy and energy and warmth and love in my life. I wouldn't trade my friends for anything.

But as I've grown up, so have they. They have jobs and families and travels and schedules. They have lives. And theirs don't always line up with mine. I find myself talking about you sleeping through the night or throwing up all over me or pooping on our neighbor's rug. And you know what? They're not always all that interested. I don't blame them really. I wouldn't have been interested a few months ago either. 

But time marches on. Old chapters close and new ones open.  Kind of like friendships. Only old friendships don't have to end. They are the most special kind. But there's always room for new ones.

So you and I are making new friends together. Thomas is just about a month older than you. The old ladies in our meeting like to say that he's your boyfriend. You sure do love looking at him! Thomas is your new friend. And his mommy is my new friend.

We did the same with our neighbors. Hunter is a month younger than you. He is your other new friend and his mommy is mine. They don't mind talking about poop. In fact, it was his rug you pooped on!

The other day we went to play with Michelle and Zoey. Do you know that Michelle is my oldest friend? I've known her my whole entire life. Our mommies became friends when we were babies. And now our babies are friends. Amazing, isn't it?

Finding a friend is like finding a treasure. I'm so proud of us, Avery. What a wonderful adventure we're having finding them together.

I love you sweet girl.

Love,

Mommy