bringing Avery to the hospital?

I hadn't even considered her NOT coming but there was a big debate about this over on 2u2 yesterday. Now I'm really reconsidering. For one hospitals have a lot of germs. But that's not really the main thing.

Given her separation issues I'm worried about her seeing me and then having to leave me there. I feel like it's going to break her heart. Of course I want her to come for MY sake but is this really going to be the best thing for her? Is she too young to handle it? Also I am planning on having another natural birth but what if it doesn't turn out that way? What if I am hooked to an IV or something? I'm afraid it will really scare her. Plus I know her and she'll want to run around all over the place and I'm guessing the hospital room won't be very child-proofed.

She'll be staying at home with my in-laws and obviously they'll want to come ASAP to see the baby so I'm just not sure what to do. I certainly don't want them leaving her somewhere else so that THEY can come, you know? I want to make this transition as smooth for her as possible. I'm just not sure what to do.

Ugh, having a baby with a baby is SO much more confusing...

Avery is screaming upstairs

Can I ask for some advice on this? Our plan was to slowly phase me out. Instead of being the primary "bather" I now do all the background stuff -- running the bath, getting the washcloth, turning on the music, etc. and Phil does the actual bathing, undressing and dressing.

Then he rocks her on his lap while I read a story. She is actually ok with this part. Basically we've reversed roles. We're thinking we'll phase into him just doing everything and me staying downstairs.

But maybe it would be better if I was just out of the picture altogether??? And maybe just went up at the end to stay goodnight? Do this every night or just every few nights?? Any other ideas?

Phil is pretty ok with her screaming her head off and doesn't get too stressed about it. I, on the other hand, feel like my heart has been ripped out and that I am probably scarring her emotionally for life.

Dear Avery -- happy 1st birthday!

Dear Avery,

I'm sorry this letter is belated. I've had it written in my head now for a week but it's getting harder and harder to find the time to sit down at my computer and write. You are one busy little lady and I am one tired pregnant mama.

You are 1-year-old now. I don't know how or where the time went. But it did. You had such a wonderful birthday weekend. You woke up on the day of the your birthday all smiles and squeals. Daddy and I went to greet you and we sang you the first of many "happy birthdays". You danced and jumped up and down in your crib and sang along with us. You knew it was going to be a special day. Nana and Papa came to visit and we took you to the farm. I can't say you loved the goats (don't worry, I don't really love goats either) but you sure had a ball in the pumpkin patch. And boy did you have fun playing with your papa.

Saturday was the day of the big party. You were in your glory with all the kids running around our yard. I don't think you stopped moving the entire time. You loved every minute of it. So did I.

A year ago we brought home from the hospital this tiny, mysterious stranger. And somehow along the way you have become a little person. My best friend. My love. My daughter. Daddy and I are so proud of you. You are smart, affectionate, curious and always so independent. You can say mama, dada, nana, papa, bye-bye, pumpkin, car, and backpack. You can sing and dance and jump. I think your laugh will always be my favorite sound in the world.

Tonight I had an honest talk with you. I told you that the baby is coming. It's coming soon, sweetheart -- just four more weeks. Of course you don't know what that means. Yes, you love to kiss my belly but you have no idea what's in there. You're still a baby yourself. But I need you to understand what it doesn't mean. This baby is no replacement for you. And I will never love you any less. I will love you double.

Last week at the grocery store the cashier asked me how far apart my babies will be. When I told her 13 months she looked horrified and told me she hopes her daughter doesn't make the same mistake as me. I wanted to spit at her.

Being 8 months pregnant and taking care of you is challenging. I have days that are really, really hard -- days when I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed I can only bury my head and cry. Some days I am really terrified about adding another new life to the mix.

But let me tell you this. You are no mistake. And neither is your brother or sister. The two of you are God's greatest gifts to me. I will always cherish you. I thank my lucky stars every single day. I love you both more than you could ever know. I hope you always know that.

Love,

Mommy

35 weeks

MW couldn't feel the head and thought the baby might be breech so I had to have an u/s. I was excited about that but Avery certainly didn't enjoy sitting there in the stroller in the dark -- "mama, mama, mama, mama, mama!!!!!" Turns out the head IS down and everything looked fine.

MW was concerned about my recent throwing-up-so-sick-I'm-going-to-die episodes (last was the night of Avery's party) and I have to go back for an u/s on my gallbladder tomorrow. I also had to test my iron again today. I am terrified of having another hemmorrage after birth.

She also wasn't thrilled with the amount I've been doing lately. She said over-doing it is not going to cause PTL but she ordered me to really take time to put my feet up and rest every day. I really am trying!

She didn't see any need to check my cervix. She said it really doesn't give any information. You can be 3cm for weeks and it means nothing. Fine with me.

My appt which usually lasts 20 minutes took an hour and a half today. Poor Avery. And we have to go back again tomorrow. She was so sweet though hugging and kissing me while the nurse was taking my b/p. I think she thought I was getting a shot like she did yesterday. And then she was hugging and kissing the baby too. I just love my sweet little girl. And my sweet little BB too.

really walking now

Sorry these videos are so late -- she actually started REALLY walking about a week ago and she's getting better every day!

Amy

Dear Avery,

It's been a while since I've written and I'm sorry. Life just gets busy. And well, sometimes I get a little lazy. I am 7 months pregnant now and you are just about 11 months old. So I guess that's my excuse. You are keeping me very busy and your little brother or sister is keeping me very exhausted. And I love you both more than anything.

When you were about 5 months old you got to meet a beautiful person. Her name was Amy. She was the warmest person I've ever known. She and I did our master's program together at UVM but our friendship went so much deeper. Somehow she became my family. I called her Auntie Amy. I think I was like a daughter to her. Silly as it sounds, she kept a picture of me on her refrigerator.

That's the thing about Amy. She was silly. But she didn't care who laughed at her. You couldn't not laugh in Amy's presence. Because Amy was always, always laughing. And her laugh was contagious. That was her greatest gift.

Amy was in the middle of her chemo treatments when your daddy and I got married. She wasn't sure whether or not she'd be able to make it to our wedding. It was a 4-hour trip for her. I'll never forget it though. Daddy and I had just said our "I do's" and were walking along the beach with our photographer. And there was Amy -- yelling "hi Ani!" (that's what she called me) at the top of her lungs and waving her arms frantically and laughing and laughing. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see anyone. A lot of things made my day that day but seeing Amy was definitely one of them.

Amy had a surprise birthday party in March. You were just 5 months old. It wasn't easy to travel with you at that age. You still hated the car and screamed all the way to Vermont. But I knew I had to go and I knew I had to bring you. I just knew she had to meet you. Amy was shocked by the party and even more shocked to see me there. I loved that moment when she saw you for the first time. It totally made her day.

I was only about 5 weeks pregnant at the time and wasn't telling people yet. But as I hugged Amy good-bye, I whispered to her, "I'm pregnant again!" She squealed and laughed and hugged me hard. She was SO happy for me. What a wonderful moment. The picture above was taken just after that -- what a special picture of all four of us. It was the last time I ever saw her. 

We have to cancel our trip to Nantucket this weekend so that Daddy and I can go to Amy's funeral. I was really excited to bring you to Nantucket. It was going to be a really, really fun weekend. But here's the lesson. There are just some things in life that are more important than fun. Honoring a loved one's life is one of them. 

I know that Amy will be looking down from heaven and laughing out loud at the site of me and Laurie together -- both with our big pregnant bellies. My hope is that she'll be feeling just as joyful and loved to see me at her funeral as I was to see her at my wedding.

That's what friendship is all about.

I love you sweet girl.

Love,

Mommy

Look Who's Walking