well if he doesn't have a pecker...

then he doesn't have a pecker. So be it.

This is what my grandma just said to me on the phone. Ha!!

fun day with Avery

I took Avery to the Halloween parade at my school. I loved my old school -- loved my co-workers, loved the parents, loved the kids. I got to see EVERYONE today. It was SOOOOOOO much fun. I must say I think I had the cutest little bumble bee there! Avery absolutely LOVED seeing all the kids. She was in her glory dancing around the parade. Of course I couldn't get her to stand still and smile for a picture but that's ok. And of course my "little pumpkin" was a huge hit. Some of the kids asked me if it was real. LOL. I am so happy BB decided to stay in and let Avery and I enjoy this very fun day!

boo!

Look, I swallowed a pumpkin!

The dancing did nothing -- stupid cervix :(

My cervix is still soft and open on the outside but closed on the inside so she couldn't strip my membranes. Not much more to report. Everything else looked good. She told me some women just have longer gestations. Great, I've been blessed with long gestations. How wonderful.

ok, BB can stay in

My mother-in-law had her consultation with the surgeon today. Her surgery will be sometime between Nov 12 - Nov 19 which means there is a really good chance she will not miss BB's grand entrance and she and my father-in-law will be able to come and take care of Avery. I am SO relieved!! I also feel like if her doctors were THAT worried they wouldn't be putting the surgery off for another 2 weeks.

So as much as I really want to meet BB I am ok with him/her cooking as long as needed. If BB wants a November birthday who am I to decide otherwise?!

And I'll feel a lot better about getting induced at 41 weeks if BB hasn't shown up by then rather than being induced today at 39 weeks. Do you hear that BB? I'll give you 2 more weeks if you need it. But I'll take you any time now!!!!

I could have been induced today

But we decided to go with Mother Nature instead. I know it was the right decision but I still feel like kicking myself. I just want to meet my baby already!

My mother-in-law's surgery will likely be the beginning of next week. She'll know more after her consultation with the surgeon today. If BB doesn't come before the surgery my in-laws will not be able to come. It's going to REALLY suck if she misses the birth of her grandchild. Then I will be really kicking myself. And we have not really figured out a plan B for Avery yet either.

Come on Mother Nature!!!!!!!

family date

We were walking through Faneuil Hall today in Boston and some guy walked by and yelled, "WOW!" and then starting laughing really hard. Then a few seconds after he passed us he yelled, "but you ain't got nothing in the back, god bless you!" I turned to Phil and said, "was he talking to ME?!?!?!" Turns out he was. LOL.

I was actually flattered by this. At least I "ain't got nothing in the back", right? I still can't figure out if he was saying wow and laughing because I am pregnant while pushing a baby in a stroller or because my belly is just THAT big. Has he never seen someone this pregnant before?!

dance this baby out

I hate this

I know you all think I am so patient because we didn't find out the sex but the truth is I am the LEAST patient person you will ever know. I HATE WAITING!!! Last night was such a tease. I'm sorry for teasing all of you too. This morning I have nothing. NOTHING. NADA. ZERO. I'm frustrated.

I'm just ready already. I want to meet my baby. I want to know if I am going to have a son in my life or two little girls. I want to know if Avery will go through life with a brother or a sister. I can't stand waiting anymore!!!

I hate not knowing when. It could be today, it could be 3 weeks from today. This is the part that is hardest for me. It is seriously making me crazy. Ok, I'm sorry for whining. I know there are much bigger things in the world and this is nothing to complain about. I just had to vent for a minute.

I think we've decided

to let nature take its course. We haven't finished talking about it and Phil says he wants to sleep on it. But I know him. And I know he doesn't want to do the induction. And he doesn't think his mother would want us to do it just because of her either.

We need to make a serious plan B for Avery which might include Phil coming home both nights (if possible) in time to do bedtime with her. It will be harder on all of us -- me, Phil, Avery, my mother-in-law. But I really just don't think I'm comfortable evicting BB before he/she is ready if it isn't medically necessary.

I have come to believe that this child was conceived at this time for a reason. And likewise this child will come into the world at a certain time for a reason. It's not up to me (or any of us) to decide when.

But I'm still hoping it's sooner rather than later!!

38 weeks

The update is there is no update. BB is still great. My cervix is still soft but pretty much closed. My midwife was not concerned about H1N1. I am feeling a little better today and I think it's just a slight cold. I talked to her about our mother-in-law predicament. Basically she has to have surgery the beginning of Nov (basically right around my EDD) and will not be able to help with Avery if BB decides to wait until then to arrive. My midwife mentioned the option of elective induction next week. I am REALLY torn on this. I have never been a big fan of elective inductions and can't even believe I am considering it. I am more of a let-mother-nature-do-its-thing kind of girl. The only other option we have for Avery is my brother & sister-in-law but they have 3 young kids of their own. Having my in-laws come here is definitely the best and least disruptive option for Avery. Doing what is best for her is my biggest priority. And knowing exactly when we'd be leaving for the hospital would make things a lot easier in that respect. But of course I want to do what's best for BB too. I don't like the idea of evicting him/her before it's really time. I don't like the idea of putting drugs into my body if it's not necessary. But I also know plenty of people who were induced and their babies turned out just fine. As for me, I think I would feel a little robbed about not going into labor on my own. I loved that part of it with Avery. Everything about it was so exciting. But I guess I had that experience with her. Maybe it's ok if I don't get it again? Like I said Avery & BB's needs are more important than my own this time around. I would still be able to labor in the tub and she said I'd still have a good chance of going naturally. MWs use pitocin differently than OBs. She said they use it much more gently and gradually so the chance of it leading to a c-section is less than if I were being induced by an OB. And of course I don't want mother-in-law to miss this. She is like the mother I never had and I love her dearly. I really WANT her to be a part of it and stay with us afterwards like she did with Avery. I'd hate for her to have to miss that and be dealing with the whole cancer scare instead. That would just suck for her. So as you can see I am really torn. We have to decide by Wednesday. Phil says he still needs more time to think about it but I think he would rather let nature take its course.

final boy name

We had a great time on our date although we feel lame that we were home by 8:00. Oh well. We're homebodies I guess.

Avery did great -- this is the FIRST time anyone has ever put her to bed besides myself or Phil or my mother-in-law. She cried for 10 minutes (not uncommon for her at all) and then rolled over and went to sleep. I'm so proud of all the progress she's made. And I really like/trust our babysitter. This was a HUGE step for us.

We had a really honest talk about names. In the end we both agreed that my maiden name is more appropriate as a middle name, not a first name. There are a lot of other reasons/associations/family issues and I do think this is the right decision. I'm glad we took the time to really talk it through. It was important.

And in our talk we both fell more in love with Tyler. The name means so much to Phil because of his friend Ty. I mean the guy died trying to save his wife's life -- can you get more noble than that? It means so much to me to give our son a name with such meaning.

I don't think Tyler Jacob flows quite as nicely but we aren't really planning on saying the first and middle name together all the time anyway. And in the end meaning is more important to me.

So after this very long explanation BB will probably turn out to be a girl! And FWIW I've been having somewhat painful contractions since dinner...

officially unattached!!

I can honestly say I think we fixed it. Phil is upstairs giving her a bath right now and she is nothing but laughs and squeals. There has been NO crying -- NONE -- in a few days now. If I had known it was going to be this easy I would have done it LONG ago. I'd say it took about a week -- there was A LOT of screaming the first few days but we didn't cave and I guess she finally learned that screaming about it was pointless.

I have now left her with the babysitter twice and she did great both times. Again, no crying. I also left her with my brother and sister-in-law (and her cousins of course) and she loved it and had a blast. This is like a HUGE weight off my chest. I will be able to spend time with BB without her and she will survive.

And the best part is that she seems all-around just happier lately. Listening to the two of them up there right now singing and laughing together while I sit down here and relax is seriously the most wonderful thing in the world.

37 weeks

Just got home from my 37-week appt. All is well. BB is head down and ready for action. My midwife did an internal and said I was better than a 0 but not quite a 1, whatever that means. I guess my cervix is ripe and soft and things have "started" but my inner cervix is not quite open yet. Part of me thinks that's just what they say so you're not disappointed about no progress. She said I could go into labor tonight or it could be a few more weeks. Lovely.

Anyway at the end of my appointment she said she's see me next week...or maybe she wouldn't. That gave me a little bit more hope. Sorry I don't have more to report!

ok, what am I forgetting?

*hospital bag, labor bag and Avery's bag are all half-packed with a list of last minute things to be added
*Avery's information list is printed and ready to give to MIL (yes I typed up 5 whole pages about her routine/meals/etc.)
*infant seat installed
*extra seat for Avery installed in SIL's car -- she will be getting Avery when I go into labor
*will be getting another extra seat to put in DH's car so IL's can get Avery from SIL's house and to/from the hospital
*bottles & pacis sterilized and ready to go
*gender-neutral clothes all washed and put away (will send Mom out to buy boy clothes if BB is a boy and will ask MIL to wash girl clothes if BB is a girl)
*bassinet set up in our room
*3 changing stations set up with diapers/wipes/etc. (nursery, PnP, our bedroom)
*swing set up just outside gate to the kitchen so Avery cannot attack
*bouncy seat set up inside PnP so Avery cannot attack
*other bouncy seat set up in our bathroom so I can shower
*still don't know where to put activity mat -- might just do tummy time when Avery is upstairs sleeping
*totally stocked on groceries & supplies -- even made a meatloaf and put it in the freezer for our first official meal with our family of 4
*stocked on pads/hemmoroid cream etc. for me
*double stroller ready to go in the garage -- still have to learn how to use it
*email list created
*Kerri's # in my phone so DH can text her asap and she can let all of you know

Am I missing anything??? I'm finally feeling READY!

I don't think I can do this -- totally overwhelmed

I don't even know where to begin. What the f&*&**& was I thinking?!?!? Unless having an infant and a 1-year-old is easier than being pregnant with a 1-year-old (which I'm almost positive it isn't) I am totally screwed. I am at my breaking point. I know there are other people out there who have had babies this close together and survived just fine. But they don't have an Avery.

I love my daughter more than anything. But let's be real. She is not like other babies. She is wild and crazy. I love her for it. I'm SO proud of her all the time. But she's CHALLENGING. She hates the car. She hates the stroller. She basically hates anything that keeps her in one place. And she barely naps. So basically she never gives me a break. I am either entertaining her or chasing her ALL DAY LONG. I just don't see how this is going to work with an infant. It is already not working now and BB isn't even here yet.

I just feel like I am not going to make it. I have no picture in my mind of how this is going to work. And I am absolutely SCARED TO DEATH. Thank you for letting me vent...again.

holy crap, I don't hear screaming!!

No, I HEAR LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil is giving Avery a bath and this is the FIRST time she hasn't screamed the whole time. She did scream on the way up the stairs and for the first few minutes but the screams just stopped and out came the laughing. The two of them took a special trip to Target before dinner to pick out a special rubber ducky (it was a football one of course) and we all made a big deal of feeding, kissing and loving the ducky. We named it "ducky lovey". And I guess IT WORKED!!!

I'm so excited I think I might start crying!

she did GREAT with the babysitter!

Wahooooooo!!!!! I am SOOOOOOO happy! She called mama a few times right after I left but no crying at all. I took out a few new puzzles that she hadn't seen yet right before I left. That worked well. Babysitter said she ate all her lunch, drank her whole sippy and was happy as could be the WHOLE time. I am seriously doing the happy dance right now! Plus she just went down for her nap within minutes.

you will laugh at me

So after I wrote that last post about how Avery has made no progress with the separation thing and she will probably scream for the rest of her life every time Phil gives her a bath, he comes down the stairs and says, "It went great!"

Ha! Apparently she screamed during the bath but she wasn't calling for mama. She was screaming for her lovey! I do think this is progress. Now we just need to find a waterproof lovey and we will be all set!

After he got her out of the bath and gave her lovey back she was fine. Fine for jammies, fine for the story, fine for going in her crib. Went to sleep just FINE. I never even went up to say goodnight. I was planning to but Phil said it was going so well he decided to go with it and not call me up. And all that time I was panicking that this was never going to get any better.

Well at least now we know where she gets her "drama-queening" from. LOL.

separation anxiety update

no progress. none.

Who ever knew we'd have to do CIO for BATHS?!?!?! I think I have the most stubborn baby/toddler on the planet. She wants me to bathe her and will SCREAM at the top of her lungs every single night. I don't think she is anywhere close to giving in. Thank GOD Phil is much calmer than me and doesn't get frazzled by all the screaming. I on the other hand, feel like I am going to puke.

Please somebody tell me this will only take a few more days. I can't do this every night for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow I am leaving her with the babysitter. Shoot me now if she screams like this the whole time I am gone. Crying doesn't bother me. But let me just tell you, my lovely daughter takes it to the EXTREME. And it SUCKS.

bringing Avery to the hospital?

I hadn't even considered her NOT coming but there was a big debate about this over on 2u2 yesterday. Now I'm really reconsidering. For one hospitals have a lot of germs. But that's not really the main thing.

Given her separation issues I'm worried about her seeing me and then having to leave me there. I feel like it's going to break her heart. Of course I want her to come for MY sake but is this really going to be the best thing for her? Is she too young to handle it? Also I am planning on having another natural birth but what if it doesn't turn out that way? What if I am hooked to an IV or something? I'm afraid it will really scare her. Plus I know her and she'll want to run around all over the place and I'm guessing the hospital room won't be very child-proofed.

She'll be staying at home with my in-laws and obviously they'll want to come ASAP to see the baby so I'm just not sure what to do. I certainly don't want them leaving her somewhere else so that THEY can come, you know? I want to make this transition as smooth for her as possible. I'm just not sure what to do.

Ugh, having a baby with a baby is SO much more confusing...

Avery is screaming upstairs

Can I ask for some advice on this? Our plan was to slowly phase me out. Instead of being the primary "bather" I now do all the background stuff -- running the bath, getting the washcloth, turning on the music, etc. and Phil does the actual bathing, undressing and dressing.

Then he rocks her on his lap while I read a story. She is actually ok with this part. Basically we've reversed roles. We're thinking we'll phase into him just doing everything and me staying downstairs.

But maybe it would be better if I was just out of the picture altogether??? And maybe just went up at the end to stay goodnight? Do this every night or just every few nights?? Any other ideas?

Phil is pretty ok with her screaming her head off and doesn't get too stressed about it. I, on the other hand, feel like my heart has been ripped out and that I am probably scarring her emotionally for life.

Dear Avery -- happy 1st birthday!

Dear Avery,

I'm sorry this letter is belated. I've had it written in my head now for a week but it's getting harder and harder to find the time to sit down at my computer and write. You are one busy little lady and I am one tired pregnant mama.

You are 1-year-old now. I don't know how or where the time went. But it did. You had such a wonderful birthday weekend. You woke up on the day of the your birthday all smiles and squeals. Daddy and I went to greet you and we sang you the first of many "happy birthdays". You danced and jumped up and down in your crib and sang along with us. You knew it was going to be a special day. Nana and Papa came to visit and we took you to the farm. I can't say you loved the goats (don't worry, I don't really love goats either) but you sure had a ball in the pumpkin patch. And boy did you have fun playing with your papa.

Saturday was the day of the big party. You were in your glory with all the kids running around our yard. I don't think you stopped moving the entire time. You loved every minute of it. So did I.

A year ago we brought home from the hospital this tiny, mysterious stranger. And somehow along the way you have become a little person. My best friend. My love. My daughter. Daddy and I are so proud of you. You are smart, affectionate, curious and always so independent. You can say mama, dada, nana, papa, bye-bye, pumpkin, car, and backpack. You can sing and dance and jump. I think your laugh will always be my favorite sound in the world.

Tonight I had an honest talk with you. I told you that the baby is coming. It's coming soon, sweetheart -- just four more weeks. Of course you don't know what that means. Yes, you love to kiss my belly but you have no idea what's in there. You're still a baby yourself. But I need you to understand what it doesn't mean. This baby is no replacement for you. And I will never love you any less. I will love you double.

Last week at the grocery store the cashier asked me how far apart my babies will be. When I told her 13 months she looked horrified and told me she hopes her daughter doesn't make the same mistake as me. I wanted to spit at her.

Being 8 months pregnant and taking care of you is challenging. I have days that are really, really hard -- days when I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed I can only bury my head and cry. Some days I am really terrified about adding another new life to the mix.

But let me tell you this. You are no mistake. And neither is your brother or sister. The two of you are God's greatest gifts to me. I will always cherish you. I thank my lucky stars every single day. I love you both more than you could ever know. I hope you always know that.

Love,

Mommy