my kids are giving me gray hairs

Last Thursday Avery somersaulted down the stairs and gave me a heart attack.

Sunday morning I rushed Tyler to the ER for a high fever. He was diagnosed with RSV and was admitted for a little over 24 hours. Since then he has had coughing attacks so bad I thought he was going to stop breathing.

This morning I was trying to rush off to the pediatrician (for the 3rd time since Monday) and had to run upstairs to get Avery dressed. I used to carry Ty up with us and let Avery go up the stairs herself but I am so paranoid of her falling again and not being able to stop her if Ty is in my arms. So I left Ty in the bouncy seat downstairs and carried Avery up -- I can't carry them both at once. Avery was in a mood and would NOT let me get her diaper changed. I could hear Tyler crying downstairs but couldn't leave Avery naked on the changing table (story of my life). She took forever and Tyler's crying turned into screaming. I was getting really stressed which just made Avery fight me more. Finally I ran downstairs with Avery half-dressed and Tyler was FACE DOWN in his bouncy seat!!!!!!!! Apparently the little stinker learned how to flip.

This is my own fault since I didn't strap him in and thought he was ok just sitting there. Poor thing scared himself to death and then his screaming turned into a full-blown coughing attack and he puked.

I am so exhausted I could cry. Oh the joys of motherhood.

Dear Tyler -- 2 months old

Dear Tyler,

This will be short. I am always writing letters to you and your sister in my head, they just never make it to the computer. My hands are always so full and my days so busy. By the time you and your sister have been fed, changed, bathed, entertained, rocked, read to, loved, etc. etc. I am just too tired to do much of anything but lie on the couch and watch bad tv. This is probably the busiest I will ever be. Ever.

And exhausting as it is, I love it.

People look at me like I'm crazy -- at the grocery store, the gym, the mall -- and they say, "wow, you sure do have my hands full." Well yes I do. And I couldn't be more proud of it. I love having two babies. I have never been more proud of anything in my entire life.

And I need to thank you, Tyler. I thank you for being quiet, mellow, sweet and easy. I thank you for sleeping so well. I thank you for eating so well. I thank you for going with the flow. I thank you for your big wide smiles that melt me. And I thank you for your patience.

I wish I could write more letters to you like I did for Avery. I wish I could hold you more. I wish I could give you more attention. I wish I could spend more time with just you. But I know someday you will understand why I couldn't. And I know you'll forgive me. And you'll never doubt how much I love you.

So in the meantime I'll make sure that when I do hold you, you feel nothing but warmth. And when I do give you attention, you see nothing but smiles. And when I do spend time with you, you feel nothing but love.

Thank you for being my good little boy.

I love you,

Mommy

tell me I am doing the right thing

I can't leave Avery with a random babysitter in Aruba. I just can't do it. If she were older and could tell us what happened maybe I could. But she's too young. It's a really nice resort and I'm sure the babysitting staff is great. But you just never know. What if somebody god forbid touched her. Or abducted her. Or yelled at her. I just can't do it. And there is just NO WAY she would let somebody else that she doesn't know put her to bed. It would be a total nightmare.

Phil and I haven't had a chance to fully talk about it yet and I hope he doesn't hate me for changing my mind. I'm hoping we can get a credit for the plane ticket and use it in March when we take the kids to Georgia. I also hope my in-laws are ok with watching both kids for a week. it's a lot and I feel bad asking them for so much. But I know they won't say no.

I'm still really upset about having to leave her. I know Tyler won't really miss us but she will. She cries when I leave her at the daycare at the gym and that's only for 2 hours. And then every time another mother comes to get their kid and she hears someone say "mama" she looks for me and then starts crying again when it isn't me. The thought of leaving her for a whole week and what that's going to do to her emotionally completely breaks my heart.

Please tell me I am doing the right thing.

freaking out about our trip

Phil has earned a trip to Aruba through his company, much like our trip to the Bahamas last year. Basically he reached his quota for the year and this is his reward. They pay for every last cent. It was an AMAZING trip last year and I am so proud of him for getting it again. He worked really really hard for this. So basically there is no way I am not going with him.

The plan right now is to leave Tyler with my in-laws and take Avery with us. I have NO qualms about leaving Ty. My in-laws did awesome with Avery last year and I know he is too young to miss us. I will miss him horribly of course but I need to do what is best for my children and I know a week in Aruba is not best for him.

It's Avery I'm worried about. She is still very attached to me and I feel like leaving her for a week would be too devastating for her. I just don't think I can put her through that. She would think I abandoned her. I honsetly think it would break her heart. This is why we decided to bring her this year.

But his company has an agenda and spouses are required to attend all of the events. The resort has a babysitting service but I am so nervous about this. How can I leave her with a stranger in a different country?!!!?!? All of the events are at night or during nap-time so taking her to the events wouldn't really work either. She is not a night owl at all and would be miserable. I'm nervous about getting her to sleep in an unfamiliar place, never mind doing it with a stranger.