Dear Avery,
I am on an airplane right now, a million miles away from you. I really thought about packing you up and taking you along with me. You did fit very nicely inside my suitcase, but I knew all along that I was going to have to say good-bye.
I left you last night, making sure you were filled with sweet dreams before I placed one last kiss on your forehead and walked away. I did better than I thought I would. No tears. Not then anyway. Nana & Papa called this morning and told me you woke up all smiles. I know you will be fine. You will be better than fine. You will have a ball.
You are the lucky one. You are too young to have any concept of time or miles.
I did ok until I stepped into the airport this morning. There was a woman with a baby. He was strapped to her chest, snuggling into his mama while she smoothed the hair on the top of his head and did the mama sway back and forth. I longed for you. Why weren’t you here with me too? The tears sprung to my eyes.
I felt compelled to talk to this mother and tell her that I was a mother too. I needed her – I needed SOMEONE – to know that I, too, knew how to do the mama sway. I walked up to her, asked how old her baby was and told her that my little girl was at home with her grandparents. The look on her face broke me. She thought I was crazy. The questions were there written all over her face. You left your 4-MONTH-OLD?!?! How could you?!? What kind of mother are you???
And now I am left to ponder these questions on my own. Am I selfish? Cold? Just plain crazy??? What kind of mother leaves her baby???
I want you to know that I never wanted to leave you. Never in a million years would I have actually planned a trip like this. But it is what it is and here I am. On my way. And I do know in the big picture, this was what was best for you and best for me and Daddy. Your daddy worked very, very hard for this week of tropical paradise. We deserve this. And god help me, we will enjoy it.
But still, it’s strange not having you here with me. Empty. I miss you so much my heart hurts. But it’s even more than that. There is another question burning inside of me.
Who am I without you?
I know who I am with you. I am beautiful. Even with my unwashed hair, unbrushed teeth and sweatpants stained with spit-up, I am still beautiful, the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. And I am funny. With my horrible nails-on-chalkboard singing voice, I can make your whole face light up and dance with laughter. And I am brilliant. You watch my every move with those wide awe-struck eyes of yours and you hang on my every word.
Your presence just makes me more. You love me so fully, it’s hard to imagine I even existed before you came along. I’m not so sure anymore that I ever did.
Other people have suddenly been drawn to me too. In the check-out line at the grocery store, the library, the bank – everyone wants to talk to me, be near me, be my friend. I’ve grown quite used to it. But it finally dawned on me today that they aren’t drawn to me. They are drawn toyou. Beautiful, amazing, perfect little you. Of course. Duh. Nobody has even looked twice at me on this plane to the Bahamas. I am no longer a shining star. I am ordinary.
I didn’t even realize that somehow in the last 4 months I had become an extension of you. And all along I thought it was supposed to be the other way around. Silly me.
As I’m writing this, though, I know it isn’t all true. I am sitting next to your daddy, the love of my life, and I know he sees me as you do. He saw me that way long before you were here. I’m not ordinary to him.
I was someone before you were born, my sweet girl. And I am still her. Just more.
And even if I don’t exist to all these strangers on the airplane, that's ok too. Because next week when I am holding you on my chest, swaying with you back and forth, smoothing the hair on the top of your head and watching you look up at me, I know I will be very, very far from ordinary.
I love you and miss you so much.
Love,
Mommy
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