Dear Avery -- 9 weeks old

Dear Avery,

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. With all the hustle-bustle of your Grandma & Poppy coming to visit, I'm worried I won't have a minute to write to you. So I will do it now.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect, a time to feel grateful for the things in your life. Last year at this time I struggled to feel thankful. My heart was broken and I thought I would never hold a beautiful baby in my arms and know that it was mine.

Today -- just one year later -- I hold you. You are fast asleep on my chest as I write this. I feel your tiny little foot kicking against my elbow and your tiny little fingers gripping on to my sweatshirt. And I hear you breathing in and out. You are so peaceful, so content. It is the most beautiful sound. 

I am thankful for your breath. Thankful for those tiny little fingers and toes. Thankful for all your smiles and your coos. 

I am thankful for you. More thankful than I could ever explain. Some day, when you hold a tiny child of your own, you will understand.

I am thankful for your wonderful daddy too. 

I am a lucky, lucky lady. I didn't know it a year ago. But I won't ever forget it now.

I love you sweet Avery.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 8 weeks old

Dear Avery,

We've started a family tradition. Every night at bedtime we tell one another about the best part of our day and the worst part of our day. Since you can't talk yet, Mommy has to guess for you. But you give me good clues. When you smile big and beautiful, I know you are happy. And when you scream and scream and scream, I know you are not. Yesterday I think the best part of your day was when I read you "Goodnight Moon." You just smiled and smiled and smiled and looked at me with those big wide eyes. The worst part of your day was definitely at the grocery store. Yikes!

Daddy asked me about my best part yesterday. I said it was seeing Grammy's face when she walked into D'angelos. We meet Grammy for lunch every Wednesday. She only gets a 30-minute lunch break but I'm telling you, it is the best 30 minutes of her whole week. Her whole face lights up when she sees you.

That's the thing, Avery. You have a special gift. You bring joy and light to everyone around you. 

Nana and Papa came the other day. It was Nana's birthday. I think spending it with you was her best present. And boy did you smile that big pretty smile at your Papa! We went to visit your great-grandparents, Nannie and Papa Bob, last week too. You followed Papa Bob with your eyes everywhere he went. He felt so loved by you. And I felt so blessed to be there to witness it.

We spend every Thursday with Auntie Shannon and Carter and Mason. When I meet Carter at his bus stop and tell him you are waiting inside with his mommy, he always shouts out a big "YES!" And Mason has started putting a diaper on his "Cookie" and giving him a bottle just like you!

Grandma and Poppy are coming next week for Thanksgiving. They can't wait. And I can't wait to give them the gift of you too. 

I am so proud of you for giving so much joy to all the people around you. I am so honored to be your mother.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 7 weeks old

Dear Avery,

I have a story to tell you today. You have a sister. You are our first-born, yes. But there was a baby -- a life -- that came before you. You have an angel sister. She was created and loved and celebrated. But never born. She went from my tummy straight to heaven. And it was one year ago today that she got her angel wings.

You never got to know her. And neither did we. But she touched us all and left Daddy and I with so much. She gave us joy. She gave us strength. She gave us hope. And more than anything else, she left us with perspective. She taught us to grieve without shame. To appreciate. To love without reservation. To believe in miracles.

She touched a lot of other people too. Strangers. Her tiny little life, short as it was, had weight. She will not be forgotten. 

So today we remember. And we thank her for her precious gifts. In fact, I'm looking at her best gift right now. 

Yes, my sweet girl, she gave us you. 

I love you both so much.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 6 weeks old

Dear Avery,

I left you with Daddy for the first time this week. Three times actually. It was only for an hour or so each time but I couldn't wait to get home to you. It wasn't that I was worried. It's just that I missed you. I hadn't left your side for six weeks. And not for the nine months before that. You've literally been attached to me for close to a year. It's strange to not have you right next to me. You've become a part of me. So much so that I can't even remember my life without you.

You are fast asleep in your swing as I write this. I am typing fast, hoping to get my thoughts out. I know that the minute you wake up, my "me" time is over. I'm hoping you sleep a little longer. But the truth is, I sometimes even miss you when you're sleeping.

I left you with Daddy so that I could go to the gym. And let me tell you, going back to the gym was hard. Not quite as hard as childbirth. But close. I've never not gone to the gym for a whole year before. My body has changed. And it can't do all the things it used to. I've been sore for three days now. 

It would have been so easy for me to not go. Ever. I have you now and I'm busy and out of shape and it takes effort to make the time to get there. And I miss you when I'm gone. And I know you certainly don't care if I'm fat!

But here's what I've come to realize. I need to go back for you as much as much as I need to go back for me. You need a mommy who is healthy and strong and whole. You need a mommy who feels good about herself and is not lost in the giant vast world of motherhood -- and what an easy place to lose your way.

So I make this commitment to you as I make it to me. I will not get lost. I will stand here with my two feet planted firmly to the ground and I will give to you everything I can. I will give you all of myself. 

But I won't let go of me in the process. 

Putting me first is putting you first. And meeting my own needs is the very best way to meet yours, even if it means missing you every once in a while. When I do things to better myself, I end up bettering myself as a mother too.

And anyway, your daddy sure does love his special time with you.

Love,

Mommy