our valentine's day drama

We were at Target and Phil was paying for everything while I was getting the kids into the car. We were there to buy a new lamp because Avery pulled the lamp off the table that morning. When I tried to assess the damage and put it back together I actually got electrocuted, sparks and everything!! I guess it's a good thing we were at Target and not the emergency room!

Anyway I got Tyler in first and then was getting Avery in. She was playing with my keys and I was about to take them away but Tyler started crying so I ran around to the other side of the car to give him his paci. It was cold and I closed Avery's door before running to the other side. Well she pressed the lock button!!!

I don't think I even realized the potential emergency until Phil came out and I had to tell him -the kids were locked inside. Thank god he was with me! Then Ty started screaming and pulled the bundle-me up over his face. Then I really started to panic. Both of our cell phones were also locked inside the car. DH ran inside to go call the police and I spoke very calmly to Avery through the window asking her (begging her) to please, pretty please press the OTHER button on the keys. She just kept pressing the lock button over and over thinking it was the funniest thing in the world. I was TERRIFIED she was going to drop the keys.

Thankfully she didn't drop them and eventually pressed the unlock button. Looking back on it I can't believe nobody stopped to ask if I needed help. I was practically crying and it was obvious I was talking to a very young child through a window for a much longer time than would be normal on a cold day.

Anyway note to self -- never let your LO play with your keys INSIDE of your car unless you are inside with him/her. I went back to Target today and got Avery her very own key set that looks like real keys and they even have a lock/unlock button.

Dear Avery -- 16 months old

Dear Avery -- 16 months old,

Already there are tears in my eyes, that is how much I miss you. Daddy and I are on our way to Aruba. We planned originally to bring you with us. But in the end I realized that that would be more for my sake than for yours and that you would be better off in the comfort of your own home with your Nana and Papa and your baby brother. Hard as it was to kiss you good-bye this morning, I know it was the right choice.

You amaze me still every day and you keep me on my toes. You are speaking about 100 words now and have mastered the two-word sentence -- “hat Dada”, “hi Ty”, “no nap” and “car Mama” (for when you want me to carry you -- which is quite often these days.)

We’ve had a rough couple of weeks. It started when you fell down a whole flight of stairs. You scared your mama half to death. We had playgroup at our house that morning. As always things were chaotic -- toys thrown everywhere, toddlers running around every which way. I was at the door saying good-bye to our friends and you and Hunter were playing at the bottom of the stairs. You were being silly and showing off, climbing up the stairs to try to get a reaction from me. And I let you go.

I let you go. I was right there -- only I learned that being right there at the bottom of the stairs does no good when your baby falls all the way from the top. I watched your little body land hard on every step, your sweet face twisted in terror. But there was nothing I could do to stop it. I’ve replayed that fall in my head a million times and each time there is still nothing I can do. I grabbed you at that last bounce and held you close to me crying out for my friends to help. Horrible thoughts raced through my head. But Amanda finally convinced me to put you down (I was sure your broken body would just crumble to the floor) and do you know what you did? You ran off and played! You were fine -- not a bruise, not a scrape, nothing. See sweet girl, you AMAZE me. You probably won’t even remember it. Me, on the other hand, I am scarred for life.

This, my dear, is motherhood.

A few days later I rushed Tyler to the ER with a high fever. He was diagnosed with RSV and had coughing fits so bad I thought he’d stop breathing. And then just when he was finally getting better, you and I got it too. The only thing worse than two sick babies is a sick mommy with two sick babies. It was tough.

And then finally, FINALLY when we were all on the mend, Daddy and I caught the stomach bug. Now that was BAD. Thankfully Nana and Papa were already on their way. In 16 months this was the first time I honestly could not take care of my babies. Even when I was in labor with your brother, on my hands and knees with contractions, I could still care for you. But not yesterday. I was SICK. You couldn’t understand why mama and dada were there but not there and you cried for me all day long. All I could do was hang my head over the toilet and tell you that I love you.

Sometimes that is all you can do. And obviously pray that the tummy bug germ hasn’t been passed on to you or your brother.

There was a moment during our course of bad luck when it seemed as though it just couldn’t get any worse. Your brother was in the high chair coughing his horrible heartbreaking cough. You were sitting in your booster seat, snot just pouring from your nose like a faucet, baby carrots and rice thrown all over the kitchen, jello in your hair, screaming in refusal to take your medicine for your double ear infection. Daddy and I were so tired our eyes hurt. Daddy kept trying until finally you threw up the pink gooey mess -- all over you, all over him, all over the booster seat, all over the floor. Daddy was stressed. It was, after-all, stressful.

And do you know what your mother here did? I laughed. Daddy didn’t really like that. But what was the alternative?

I had a vision in that moment -- Daddy and I many years down the road looking back on our life with two small babies -- the chaos, the tears, the sleepless nights, the snot, the puke, the jello in the hair. And I pictured us missing it. As stressful as it is at times, I know we will miss it once it is gone. We’ll long for it. And we won’t be able to get it back. We’ll look back and laugh until we cry. I am sure of it.

Avery, I am so proud of you in so many ways. You and your brother are the lights of my life. When I bring you to the gym or Target or the grocery store and you smile your big smile and say “hi-i” and “bye-ye” to every stranger we pass, I watch as your joy brings light to their faces. You, my sweet girl, are infectious. You amaze me. And I am truly proud to be your mother. I wouldn’t trade all the craziness for anything.

I am going to miss you so much this week. Daddy is too (he just leaned over on the plane and whispered to me that he misses you too.)

Love,

Mommy

my kids are giving me gray hairs

Last Thursday Avery somersaulted down the stairs and gave me a heart attack.

Sunday morning I rushed Tyler to the ER for a high fever. He was diagnosed with RSV and was admitted for a little over 24 hours. Since then he has had coughing attacks so bad I thought he was going to stop breathing.

This morning I was trying to rush off to the pediatrician (for the 3rd time since Monday) and had to run upstairs to get Avery dressed. I used to carry Ty up with us and let Avery go up the stairs herself but I am so paranoid of her falling again and not being able to stop her if Ty is in my arms. So I left Ty in the bouncy seat downstairs and carried Avery up -- I can't carry them both at once. Avery was in a mood and would NOT let me get her diaper changed. I could hear Tyler crying downstairs but couldn't leave Avery naked on the changing table (story of my life). She took forever and Tyler's crying turned into screaming. I was getting really stressed which just made Avery fight me more. Finally I ran downstairs with Avery half-dressed and Tyler was FACE DOWN in his bouncy seat!!!!!!!! Apparently the little stinker learned how to flip.

This is my own fault since I didn't strap him in and thought he was ok just sitting there. Poor thing scared himself to death and then his screaming turned into a full-blown coughing attack and he puked.

I am so exhausted I could cry. Oh the joys of motherhood.

Dear Tyler -- 2 months old

Dear Tyler,

This will be short. I am always writing letters to you and your sister in my head, they just never make it to the computer. My hands are always so full and my days so busy. By the time you and your sister have been fed, changed, bathed, entertained, rocked, read to, loved, etc. etc. I am just too tired to do much of anything but lie on the couch and watch bad tv. This is probably the busiest I will ever be. Ever.

And exhausting as it is, I love it.

People look at me like I'm crazy -- at the grocery store, the gym, the mall -- and they say, "wow, you sure do have my hands full." Well yes I do. And I couldn't be more proud of it. I love having two babies. I have never been more proud of anything in my entire life.

And I need to thank you, Tyler. I thank you for being quiet, mellow, sweet and easy. I thank you for sleeping so well. I thank you for eating so well. I thank you for going with the flow. I thank you for your big wide smiles that melt me. And I thank you for your patience.

I wish I could write more letters to you like I did for Avery. I wish I could hold you more. I wish I could give you more attention. I wish I could spend more time with just you. But I know someday you will understand why I couldn't. And I know you'll forgive me. And you'll never doubt how much I love you.

So in the meantime I'll make sure that when I do hold you, you feel nothing but warmth. And when I do give you attention, you see nothing but smiles. And when I do spend time with you, you feel nothing but love.

Thank you for being my good little boy.

I love you,

Mommy

tell me I am doing the right thing

I can't leave Avery with a random babysitter in Aruba. I just can't do it. If she were older and could tell us what happened maybe I could. But she's too young. It's a really nice resort and I'm sure the babysitting staff is great. But you just never know. What if somebody god forbid touched her. Or abducted her. Or yelled at her. I just can't do it. And there is just NO WAY she would let somebody else that she doesn't know put her to bed. It would be a total nightmare.

Phil and I haven't had a chance to fully talk about it yet and I hope he doesn't hate me for changing my mind. I'm hoping we can get a credit for the plane ticket and use it in March when we take the kids to Georgia. I also hope my in-laws are ok with watching both kids for a week. it's a lot and I feel bad asking them for so much. But I know they won't say no.

I'm still really upset about having to leave her. I know Tyler won't really miss us but she will. She cries when I leave her at the daycare at the gym and that's only for 2 hours. And then every time another mother comes to get their kid and she hears someone say "mama" she looks for me and then starts crying again when it isn't me. The thought of leaving her for a whole week and what that's going to do to her emotionally completely breaks my heart.

Please tell me I am doing the right thing.

freaking out about our trip

Phil has earned a trip to Aruba through his company, much like our trip to the Bahamas last year. Basically he reached his quota for the year and this is his reward. They pay for every last cent. It was an AMAZING trip last year and I am so proud of him for getting it again. He worked really really hard for this. So basically there is no way I am not going with him.

The plan right now is to leave Tyler with my in-laws and take Avery with us. I have NO qualms about leaving Ty. My in-laws did awesome with Avery last year and I know he is too young to miss us. I will miss him horribly of course but I need to do what is best for my children and I know a week in Aruba is not best for him.

It's Avery I'm worried about. She is still very attached to me and I feel like leaving her for a week would be too devastating for her. I just don't think I can put her through that. She would think I abandoned her. I honsetly think it would break her heart. This is why we decided to bring her this year.

But his company has an agenda and spouses are required to attend all of the events. The resort has a babysitting service but I am so nervous about this. How can I leave her with a stranger in a different country?!!!?!? All of the events are at night or during nap-time so taking her to the events wouldn't really work either. She is not a night owl at all and would be miserable. I'm nervous about getting her to sleep in an unfamiliar place, never mind doing it with a stranger.

I love my little girl

My little girl was sick today -- fever of 103.5. It took a high fever for me to realize what a wonderful, beautiful blessing she really is. The hitting and the food throwing and the whining are not what really matters. They are just part of growing up. What matters is that she is my child and I love her more than anything.

I just spent the last 30 minutes rocking her in the glider. I haven't done that in many many months. She's always too active and too busy. And let's be honest here, I'm always too busy too. Too busy doing the dishes or cleaning the kitchen or checking my email or whatever else I have on my to-do list.

What I sometimes forget is that she and her brother are at the TOP of my to-do list. Not bathing them or feeding them or washing their clothes. But loving them. Just BEING with them. That's what being a real mother is all about.