i am going to lose my mind

Seriously. A 24 minute nap just isn't enough. It barely even counts. Why won't she sleep? Why??? Oh nap gods please, oh please, oh please help my baby. Her sobs are literally breaking my heart. I am sitting in the hallway right outside her nursery and I am on the verge of big fat sobs myself. I have NO IDEA how to help her.

I swear I'm not selfish. It's not like I want her to nap longer just so that I can have a break. (I mean what kind of break is it anyway when you're stuck in a chair in the hallway the whole time?) I want her to sleep because she needs it. The reason she is fussy all day long is because she isn't getting enough sleep. It's that simple. And all I want is for my baby to be happy. Why on earth is it so hard for me to give her that?!?!

so what's the big secret?

I know there must be some big secret that people aren't telling me. 

When I talk to other moms of 6 and 7-month-olds they tell me that it is the best stage ever. Their babies are blissfully happy, able to entertain themselves and sleeping better than ever. These are the women who bring their little angels with them everywhere they go, proudly showcasing their adorable goos and gaas and giggles for all the world to see.

I am not one of these mothers. And Avery is not one of these babies. Not anymore anyway.

We used to go places. We really did. But these days, even the grocery store is too difficult to manage. She's either in desperate need of a nap, she has a poop in her diaper or she's hungry. Have you ever tried feeding a baby with one arm, grabbing groceries with your other arm and pushing a shopping cart with your hip? I have. And it isn't very fun.  

And I know I've mentioned the car before. She just doesn't like it. You might even go so far to say that she hates it. Some might even call her a car screamer. I don't need to go into more detail than that. You get the picture. It isn't pretty.

The stroller is the same way. If I plan it right and she's tired and the stars are all aligned, she'll sleep. But if she wants to play, then she wants to play. And she doesn't want to be strapped into anything. We've had some pretty embarrassing moments in the neighborhood. What kind of baby screams bloody murder in the stroller?!?!?!

My kind apparently.

I love Avery to the moon and back. But I'll be honest. She isn't easy. Not anymore. Her sweet little giggles still completely light up my life, but they seem to be few and far between these days. They've been replaced with constant fussies.  She whines for my undivided attention every single second of the day. And I swear to you, she is crappiest napper in the history of all babykind.

None of this is her fault. It is all mine. She is just a baby. She only knows what she's been taught and what she's been given. And clearly I'm doing it all wrong. 

HELLO...can somebody please tell me the big secret?!?!!?

I don't feel resentful. I'm not jealous of these other moms. And I really do love my daughter more than anything. But I just feel delinquent (and utterly exhausted of course). Day after day, I try and I try. I put my whole heart and soul into it. But no matter what I do, I just can't seem to make my baby happy. Some days I'm convinced that she actually hates me.

I have no idea what on earth God was thinking by giving me another one. I hope he knows what he's doing.

Because I sure don't.

nap training 101

Like I said in my last post, I had the easiest baby in the world until the day I found out I was pregnant again. She was happy, sweet and simple. Sometimes she'd go days without any tears at all. I always knew what she needed. And her needs were easy to meet. Feed her. Change her. Smile at her. Put her down to sleep. 

She was like clockwork too. She slept 8pm-7am so consistently I don't think she even knew that the hours in between even existed. She wasn't a long napper, but she was consistent. She slept at the same times every day, every 3 hours on the dot. And she never fussed going down. You could put her in her crib and walk away and wallah, beautiful sleeping baby. I thought I had motherhood all figured out.

And then one day something happened. Somebody kidnapped my easy-to-figure-out, happily-sleeping baby and replaced her with a very active, very needy 6-month-old stranger. It started with a growth spurt. And then she started waking at night -- wanting to PLAY!! What?!?!? 

Turns out I hadn't figured out motherhood at all. I had just been spoiled silly for the first 5 months! This was the real deal. And I wasn't prepared for it. And on top of all that, I was pregnant, with my head in the toilet and my body begging for sleep. It wasn't very pretty.

And then there was the nap issue. I'd talk to other moms who told me that their 6-month-olds napped for 2 hours. IN A ROW!! What??!?!? Avery was still like clockwork but her clock was really, really short. Her naps were 30 minutes on the dot. Every single time. 

So I did the only thing I could. I took out every sleep book from the library and read until I was blue in the face. And all of the books confirmed it -- 30 minute naps were not enough. Not for her and not for me. I needed a break. And 30 minutes was barely long enough for me to pee, brush my teeth and inhale a sleeve of saltines. 

I was slowly but surely going crazy.

I tried letting her cry. I tried soothing her right away. I tried letting her nap with me. I tried putting her down at different times. Every solution just created a new problem. I felt more and more inadequate. And more and more exhausted. Sleep is one of the most basic needs and I couldn't figure out a way to provide that for my daughter. I was a failure.

Going anywhere in the car presented even more problems. Either I was trying desperately for her to fall asleep or I was trying desperately for her to not fall asleep so it wouldn't ruin her nap. I'd drive with the windows open, radio turned up, my arm in the back swinging toys in her face and the stress in the pit of my stomach making me physically ill. 

Yup, nap-time was going to be the death of me.

I write this post as if it's a problem of the past that's been solved. Sorry to disappoint you but it hasn't. I sit here now in Avery's nursery with the black-out shades hiding me away from the beautiful day. I am trying a new form of nap training this week. She is supposed to be sleeping and I'm here to soothe her back to sleep when she wakes up. Fat chance. She is babbling away right now and playing with her toes. How do you soothe that? I guess it beats screaming. But this girl could care less about sleep. 

I wish I could say the same for myself.

my little brown dress

I swear I had the easiest baby in the world until the day I found out I was pregnant again. I am 11 weeks today and I'm still wondering how on earth this happened. It's not like my husband and I don't know where babies come from. And we're not stupid either. 

Well maybe a little. 

I didn't want to go back on the pill. He didn't want to use condoms. Insurance wouldn't cover an IUD. And then we thought, well maybe we should just leave it in God's hands. It might be nice to have two close together. 

It took a lot of effort to get pregnant the first (and second) times -- ovulation predictor kits, pre-seed, charting, temping, boring planned out baby-making sex, and lots and lots of stress. Never in a million years did I think this would actually happen with nothing. And I mean nothing! Other than a few margaritas on the beach of course. And a little brown dress. Turns out I'm Fertile Myrtle.

Let me tell you about this little brown dress. I wore it to the brunch the morning after our wedding. And I wore it again on our honeymoon in Switzerland. The dress is nothing fancy but it's special to me and it's my favorite. Did I mention it's a size 4? I suppose that might be why it's my favorite.

Anyway, shortly after Avery was born, my husband's company rewarded him with an all-expense-paid trip to the Bahamas. It was that day that I reached into the back of my closet and pulled out my little brown dress and hung it on my closet door. I was not going to be the girl who has a baby and then lets herself go. I just wasn't going to be her. I was going to get my  butt (and my belly) back into that size 4 dress if it killed me.

And did I work my butt off!! Once Avery started sleeping through the night, I started dragging myself out of bed at 5:30 to make it to my 6am spinning classes at the gym. (Seriously who does that?!?!) I took a Pilates class on Saturdays and a Strength Training class on Sundays. I followed Weight Watchers religiously and never missed a meeting. I didn't eat desert. I cut my carbs. And within 4 months I had lost ALL of my baby weight plus an additional 8lbs. I was back to my wedding weight. And back into my size 4 dress!

The picture on the sidebar is from the Bahamas. Me in my little brown dress. This might have actually been taken just hours before we conceived (or after -- who can remember?) So where did that dress get me? Feeling sexy enough to seduce my husband? Being sexy enough for him to seduce me back? And there we go. Knocked up again. 

I blame the dress.

Well back to the back of my closet it goes. Because it will be a long LONG time before I'll fit into that thing again, if ever. So much for all that work. All those early mornings. All that determination. Now when people see me they think, "Poor thing still hasn't taken her baby weight off. She's still got a belly." And this is what I was so determined to avoid in the first place. And that's what pisses me off more than anything -- I did avoid it, dammit. 

Like I said, I have nobody to blame but the damn dress.

Dear Avery -- 6 months old!!

Dear Avery,

You are 6 months old today -- half-way to your first birthday!!!! I can't believe how much you keep growing and changing and learning every single day. You are eating real people food, waving bye-bye and getting up on your hands and knees and rocking back and forth. I think crawling might just be around the corner. You certainly want to GO!

You also get sweeter every day. Your cuddles still completely melt my heart and your beautiful little giggle is still my favorite thing in the whole wide world.

I'm sorry I haven't been writing to you much. You've been keeping me very busy. And very tired. You've been going through this phase lately (let's HOPE it's just a phase) where you want to start the day at 4:00am. Mommy and Daddy aren't as fond of this idea. And of course your little brother or sister growing inside of me is making me very tired too. 

But you and I have this good little thing going on these days. We nap together. People used to always tell me, "Nap when the baby naps" but I never really bought into it. I had too much to do -- laundry, cooking, cleaning, writing. Well all of that has now gone out the window. What's important is that you and I get our playtime together and that we get our beauty sleep. 

So every day around 2:00 we go upstairs, get under the covers of my big comfy bed and curl up together with a few of your toys. We play for a few minutes and then we drift off. I don't really know who falls asleep first. But sometimes we don't wake up until after 4:00. I open my eyes and there you are snuggled up in my arms with your rosy little cheeks, breathing quietly in and out and dreaming away. 

I love our naps together, Avery. And I can tell you love them too. It's such a special, special time for us -- all three of us. 

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 5 1/2 months old

Dear Avery,

I wish I could tell you I was big and brave and confident with this new life growing inside of me. I really thought I would be. I already have you. And the proof is in the pudding -- my bodycan in fact do this. 

And I wasn't planning for anything more just yet anyway. I already have you! I don't need anything more. So why am I such an anxious mess?

As it turns out, it isn't really about need at all. No, sweetheart, it's about love. I already love this new little life inside of me. I love it with all of my being. I love it like I love you. And to tell you the truth, I am scared to death of losing it.

I've experienced both sides of the coin. I've lost a life inside of me. And I've tasted the miracle that this tiny life could be. How can I not want that again?

One of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn is this one -- there are no guarantees. You can hope. You can want. You can plan. You can pray. But in the end, there are certain things you just can't control. Unfortunately the miracle of life is one of them. I guess that's what makes it a miracle, right? 

So yes, I am scared. I am anxious. I am worried. I am counting down the hours to my first ultrasound on Friday. But...I do believe in miracles. 

And you, sweet girl, are my reason why.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- big news!

Dear Avery,

Daddy and I have some very exciting news for you. The dolly in this picture is not the only baby we brought home for you from the Bahamas. That's right, my sweet girl, come November, you are going to be a BIG SISTER!!!!

This news is a surprise to us -- a very welcome surprise! Some people might tell me I'm crazy. They might think that you're going to get jipped. You will only be 13 months when this new baby comes home -- still a baby yourself! I'm going to need to figure out  a lot of things. How will I hold you both? Bathe you both? Feed you both? Soothe you both? How will I ever carry you AND a diaper bag AND a newborn in a car seat?

Some people might ask me another question too. How will I ever love you both?

Yes, you are going to have to share a lot of things. You will need to share your toys and your books and maybe even your clothes. And sometimes you might not be so happy about that. 

But let me be clear on this. You will never need to share my love. There's no limit to love. It just grows. And Daddy and I will always have plenty to go around. Bringing home a new baby won't ever mean that we'll love you any less. If anything, it will mean that we'll love you more. 

You will always be our first born. The first kick in my tummy. The first smile that melted us. The first giggle that filled our hearts. These things will always belong to you.

And now you get to be the BIG SISTER, something that I never got to be myself. I always dreamed of having a little sibling close in age. It was my biggest wish. This new baby is going to adore you. And you are going to just love having somebody to play with. The two of you will share a bond that is different than anything Daddy and I could ever offer you. And I can't wait to witness it.

No, sweet child, I don't think you're getting jipped at all. In fact, I think you and your little brother or sister are just about the luckiest babies in the whole wide world. I am so SO happy for you.

I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

p.s. this is how you told Daddy the news!