There Goes My Waist Again

Dear Tyler -- 2 years olds

2011-11-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Tyler,

It seems like just yesterday you were this tiny little thing who used to curl up on my chest and sleep the day away. Now you are a running, jumping, singing, dancing happy little two-year-old boy. And you are every bit as sweet now as you were then (other than when you are kicking and screaming on the kitchen floor throwing a tantrum of course!)

Every day it seems you are doing or learning something new. You are talking in full sentences now. You substitute "L" for "S" so things like "lit down" and "I no lee it" might not be understandable to everyone but they are to me. We had our first snowstorm last week and the first words out of your mouth when I opened the curtains were, "I no lee no lowman."

The other morning I woke up to a loud thud. I ran to your room and threw open your door and there you were standing right there smiling and saying, "Hi mom." You had climbed out of your crib! I thought it might have been a fluke but you did it again the next morning. You were SO proud of yourself. You even got back it to show Vivi and I how you did it. You just threw your leg up over the top and pulled yourself right over and out. So we spent the morning making your big boy bed and practicing. Avery pretended to read you stories and tuck you in. You loved it! When it came time for naptime though, you didn't really understand that you actually had to sleep in your bed. But by nighttime you had figured it out. It's been about 3 or 4 successful days and nights now in your big boy bed so we took apart your crib today. You are officially a big boy!

Daddy and I gave you a toolbench for your birthday. You are obsessed with it. You love your tools more than anything. Sometimes you even sleep with your hammer or screwdriver. I think it's funny that your daddy was cursing his tools putting yours together. I'm not sure your love of tools comes from your father.

Your love of sports comes from your daddy though! You started your first sports class this week and you LOVED it. You were so proud to tell everyone you played soccer. You tried so hard to follow your teacher's directions but you got a little confused here and there. He told you to stand on your yellow circle. So you brought your yellow circle with you everywhere you went. Even when it was your turn to score a goal you had your yellow circle in hand. You are just too darn cute!

Halloween got postponed this year due to the big storm that knocked out all the power in our town. So we went trick-or-treating last night on your birthday. You thought it was all for you. You got the hang of ringing the doorbell and saying "trick-or-treat" but the very next words out of your mouth every single time were "open it". You just couldn't wait. As I pick through the candy stash now I see a lot of them have teeth marks through the wrapper. You love your candy.

Some other things you love these days -- doggies, Nana Pat's jam, Elmo, your lovey and blankie, firetrucks, cars, playing outside, vacuuming, getting your haircut, your playroom, cake, ice cream and anything sweet, your boots, wrestling with Daddy and your big sister. Things you hate -- broccoli, eggs and washing your face.

You are a true joy in every way and I love you more and more each day. Your smile truly lights up a room and your laugh is the sweetest sound I have ever heard in my life. You are such a wonderful little boy.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 3 years old

2011-09-25T13:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Avery (or Vivi as your brother calls you),

Today is your 3rd birthday. Where has the time gone? You are no longer a baby and barely a toddler. You are a full-grown 3-year-old child. And I love you more and more each day.

For your birthday you got a red balance bike from Nana Pat & Poppy, a sand table and hello kitty bathrobe from Nana & Papa, 5 new movies from Grammie & Zayde, and a dollhouse and soccer ball from me & Daddy. Of course you loved everything. When I asked which was your favorite your answer was "all". This morning we went to an indoor play place and bounced, climbed and slid all morning long. Daddy and I had just as much fun as you and your brother.

You are bouncing down the stairs in your new robe right now with your hair dripping wet, fresh from your tub asking both to be fed and to sit on my lap. Must finish later...

Ok, I bought myself a little more time while I make your requested birthday dinner (hot dogs & pasta with butter) by putting on your requested show (Calliou) and giving you and Tyler your requested snack (frozen waffle -- yes you love them frozen).

Let's see, things you love these days -- Dora, dolls, books, painting, play do, imaginary play, chicken nuggets, cake, ice cream, swinging, running, singing, dancing, going to school, getting your haircut and cuddling in. Things you hate -- getting your hair washed, waiting for anything, tags on your clothes and most vegetables. Oh and sleeping past 5am (yes, you are still up multiple times a night.)

You started school a few weeks ago and you love it. Your teachers are Mrs. Donahue and Mrs. Glaser. You love going and are SO exhausted when you come home. Those are your longest nap days. You love singing your ABC's and recently told Daddy that you want to dance to that song with him at your wedding. He might just hold you to it. You do get J and K mixed up but it's so cute the way you sing it that I haven't really tried to correct you too much. You've gotten really good at counting and can get to about 12 without getting mixed up. I think that's pretty good! You can identify almost all of the letters and sounds and are very interested in what things spell. You also know all of your shapes (even oval and crescent!), your colors, days of the week (in no particular order) and months of the year. Recently you were at a Ms. Madgical show at the gym and another mom said to me "Your daughter knew is was September, wow!!!" I told her it was because your birthday was this month but really it's just because you are so smart!! I am amazed by you every single day.

Daddy and I think you are going to be an athlete. You certainly are built like one. You are so tall and strong and solid. Sometimes we run the track at the gym. You love it but your brother sometimes tries to run the elevator instead so we don't do it too often anymore. But a few weeks ago you ran a whole mile!!!! 15 full laps around that track. I was SO PROUD of you. My 3-year-old track star. Some day you'll get to run in a real race, I promise.

You have filled me with more joy in the last 3 years than I ever could have imagined. I will spend the rest of my life trying to repay you for that. I love you so much my sweet girl. Happy Birthday.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 2 years old

2010-09-28T16:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Avery,

I write this with a bittersweet heart. You are no longer my baby. You are my toddler, my big girl, my child. You have grown into your own. You have a personality (and a strong one at that) with your very own opinions, likes and dislikes, interests and sense of humor. You have your own agenda and stand your ground at all times. You love chocolate chip cookies, coupons, Elmo, the backyard swing and your handsome little brother. You can jump, gallop, walk frontwards down the stairs, count to 7, sing happy birthday and identify a handful of letters. You speak in full sentences and recently told me that you are a genius. Your favorite birthday gifts were your roller coaster, kitchen and doctor's kit. You got two shots today and didn't cry one tear.

I could never fully put into words how proud I am of you.

I have now officially graduated from the 2 under 2 club. As challenging as it was (and it WAS challenging) I think I will honestly look back on it as the most wonderful time in my life. I LOVED LOVED LOVED having 2 under 2. I will miss it. But of course I look forward to my "babies" growing up together.

Can I still call you my baby for a little while longer? My favorite time of day is before nap-time when my two babies crawl into my lap and I read you stories and rock you both in the glider. You and your brother giggle and play and we rock and read and cuddle. I cherish those moments

Before bedtime we read Goodnight Moon every single night (by your request) and then we say our prayers. You have a favorite of those too. You call it "cake" since there is a picture of a birthday cake on the page. It is the Irish blessing that was recited during our wedding ceremony and it will always be my prayer for you.

May green be the grass you walk on

May blue be the skies above you

May pure be the joys that surround you

May true be the hearts that love you.

I love you sweet girl. Happy Birthday.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Tyler -- 6 months old

2010-05-09T16:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Tyler,

Today is Mother's Day. I know in theory this day is meant for children to thank their mothers for all they do. Well I'd really like to say thank you to you. You make being a mother the easiest, most wonderful thing in the world.

Honestly, you are the EASIEST baby. You go to sleep happy (totally on your own.) You wake up happy. You love the stroller. You love the car. You love the high chair. You love tummy time. You love to eat. I really can't think of anything you don't love. You don't complain. Ever. (well except when your big sis takes your toys away of course.) You are sitting up all on your own now and trying really hard to crawl. You love being tickled under your armpits. You love watching Daddy dance. You love when Avery jumps all over you. And of course you love your mommy.

As for poopy diapers, 5am feedings, spit-up and drool, all I can say is this -- my pleasure. Taking care of you and Avery is my greatest pleasure in life.

I am so blessed to be your mother.

Love,

Mommy

our valentine's day drama

2010-02-18T11:05:00.000-08:00

We were at Target and Phil was paying for everything while I was getting the kids into the car. We were there to buy a new lamp because Avery pulled the lamp off the table that morning. When I tried to assess the damage and put it back together I actually got electrocuted, sparks and everything!! I guess it's a good thing we were at Target and not the emergency room!

Anyway I got Tyler in first and then was getting Avery in. She was playing with my keys and I was about to take them away but Tyler started crying so I ran around to the other side of the car to give him his paci. It was cold and I closed Avery's door before running to the other side. Well she pressed the lock button!!!

I don't think I even realized the potential emergency until Phil came out and I had to tell him -the kids were locked inside. Thank god he was with me! Then Ty started screaming and pulled the bundle-me up over his face. Then I really started to panic. Both of our cell phones were also locked inside the car. DH ran inside to go call the police and I spoke very calmly to Avery through the window asking her (begging her) to please, pretty please press the OTHER button on the keys. She just kept pressing the lock button over and over thinking it was the funniest thing in the world. I was TERRIFIED she was going to drop the keys.

Thankfully she didn't drop them and eventually pressed the unlock button. Looking back on it I can't believe nobody stopped to ask if I needed help. I was practically crying and it was obvious I was talking to a very young child through a window for a much longer time than would be normal on a cold day.

Anyway note to self -- never let your LO play with your keys INSIDE of your car unless you are inside with him/her. I went back to Target today and got Avery her very own key set that looks like real keys and they even have a lock/unlock button.

Dear Avery -- 16 months old

2010-02-07T15:58:00.001-08:00

Dear Avery -- 16 months old,

Already there are tears in my eyes, that is how much I miss you. Daddy and I are on our way to Aruba. We planned originally to bring you with us. But in the end I realized that that would be more for my sake than for yours and that you would be better off in the comfort of your own home with your Nana and Papa and your baby brother. Hard as it was to kiss you good-bye this morning, I know it was the right choice.

You amaze me still every day and you keep me on my toes. You are speaking about 100 words now and have mastered the two-word sentence -- “hat Dada”, “hi Ty”, “no nap” and “car Mama” (for when you want me to carry you -- which is quite often these days.)

We’ve had a rough couple of weeks. It started when you fell down a whole flight of stairs. You scared your mama half to death. We had playgroup at our house that morning. As always things were chaotic -- toys thrown everywhere, toddlers running around every which way. I was at the door saying good-bye to our friends and you and Hunter were playing at the bottom of the stairs. You were being silly and showing off, climbing up the stairs to try to get a reaction from me. And I let you go.

I let you go. I was right there -- only I learned that being right there at the bottom of the stairs does no good when your baby falls all the way from the top. I watched your little body land hard on every step, your sweet face twisted in terror. But there was nothing I could do to stop it. I’ve replayed that fall in my head a million times and each time there is still nothing I can do. I grabbed you at that last bounce and held you close to me crying out for my friends to help. Horrible thoughts raced through my head. But Amanda finally convinced me to put you down (I was sure your broken body would just crumble to the floor) and do you know what you did? You ran off and played! You were fine -- not a bruise, not a scrape, nothing. See sweet girl, you AMAZE me. You probably won’t even remember it. Me, on the other hand, I am scarred for life.

This, my dear, is motherhood.

A few days later I rushed Tyler to the ER with a high fever. He was diagnosed with RSV and had coughing fits so bad I thought he’d stop breathing. And then just when he was finally getting better, you and I got it too. The only thing worse than two sick babies is a sick mommy with two sick babies. It was tough.

And then finally, FINALLY when we were all on the mend, Daddy and I caught the stomach bug. Now that was BAD. Thankfully Nana and Papa were already on their way. In 16 months this was the first time I honestly could not take care of my babies. Even when I was in labor with your brother, on my hands and knees with contractions, I could still care for you. But not yesterday. I was SICK. You couldn’t understand why mama and dada were there but not there and you cried for me all day long. All I could do was hang my head over the toilet and tell you that I love you.

Sometimes that is all you can do. And obviously pray that the tummy bug germ hasn’t been passed on to you or your brother.

There was a moment during our course of bad luck when it seemed as though it just couldn’t get any worse. Your brother was in the high chair coughing his horrible heartbreaking cough. You were sitting in your booster seat, snot just pouring from your nose like a faucet, baby carrots and rice thrown all over the kitchen, jello in your hair, screaming in refusal to take your medicine for your double ear infection. Daddy and I were so tired our eyes hurt. Daddy kept trying until finally you threw up the pink gooey mess -- all over you, all over him, all over the booster seat, all over the floor. Daddy was stressed. It was, after-all, stressful.

And do you know what your mother here did? I laughed. Daddy didn’t really like that. But what was the alternative?

I had a vision in that moment -- Daddy and I many years down the road looking back on our life with two small babies -- the chaos, the tears, the sleepless nights, the snot, the puke, the jello in the hair. And I pictured us missing it. As stressful as it is at times, I know we will miss it once it is gone. We’ll long for it. And we won’t be able to get it back. We’ll look back and laugh until we cry. I am sure of it.

Avery, I am so proud of you in so many ways. You and your brother are the lights of my life. When I bring you to the gym or Target or the grocery store and you smile your big smile and say “hi-i” and “bye-ye” to every stranger we pass, I watch as your joy brings light to their faces. You, my sweet girl, are infectious. You amaze me. And I am truly proud to be your mother. I wouldn’t trade all the craziness for anything.

I am going to miss you so much this week. Daddy is too (he just leaned over on the plane and whispered to me that he misses you too.)

Love,

Mommy

my kids are giving me gray hairs

2010-01-28T10:38:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday Avery somersaulted down the stairs and gave me a heart attack.

Sunday morning I rushed Tyler to the ER for a high fever. He was diagnosed with RSV and was admitted for a little over 24 hours. Since then he has had coughing attacks so bad I thought he was going to stop breathing.

This morning I was trying to rush off to the pediatrician (for the 3rd time since Monday) and had to run upstairs to get Avery dressed. I used to carry Ty up with us and let Avery go up the stairs herself but I am so paranoid of her falling again and not being able to stop her if Ty is in my arms. So I left Ty in the bouncy seat downstairs and carried Avery up -- I can't carry them both at once. Avery was in a mood and would NOT let me get her diaper changed. I could hear Tyler crying downstairs but couldn't leave Avery naked on the changing table (story of my life). She took forever and Tyler's crying turned into screaming. I was getting really stressed which just made Avery fight me more. Finally I ran downstairs with Avery half-dressed and Tyler was FACE DOWN in his bouncy seat!!!!!!!! Apparently the little stinker learned how to flip.

This is my own fault since I didn't strap him in and thought he was ok just sitting there. Poor thing scared himself to death and then his screaming turned into a full-blown coughing attack and he puked.

I am so exhausted I could cry. Oh the joys of motherhood.

Dear Tyler -- 2 months old

2010-01-06T16:46:00.001-08:00

Dear Tyler,

This will be short. I am always writing letters to you and your sister in my head, they just never make it to the computer. My hands are always so full and my days so busy. By the time you and your sister have been fed, changed, bathed, entertained, rocked, read to, loved, etc. etc. I am just too tired to do much of anything but lie on the couch and watch bad tv. This is probably the busiest I will ever be. Ever.

And exhausting as it is, I love it.

People look at me like I'm crazy -- at the grocery store, the gym, the mall -- and they say, "wow, you sure do have my hands full." Well yes I do. And I couldn't be more proud of it. I love having two babies. I have never been more proud of anything in my entire life.

And I need to thank you, Tyler. I thank you for being quiet, mellow, sweet and easy. I thank you for sleeping so well. I thank you for eating so well. I thank you for going with the flow. I thank you for your big wide smiles that melt me. And I thank you for your patience.

I wish I could write more letters to you like I did for Avery. I wish I could hold you more. I wish I could give you more attention. I wish I could spend more time with just you. But I know someday you will understand why I couldn't. And I know you'll forgive me. And you'll never doubt how much I love you.

So in the meantime I'll make sure that when I do hold you, you feel nothing but warmth. And when I do give you attention, you see nothing but smiles. And when I do spend time with you, you feel nothing but love.

Thank you for being my good little boy.

I love you,

Mommy

tell me I am doing the right thing

2010-01-05T10:12:00.001-08:00

I can't leave Avery with a random babysitter in Aruba. I just can't do it. If she were older and could tell us what happened maybe I could. But she's too young. It's a really nice resort and I'm sure the babysitting staff is great. But you just never know. What if somebody god forbid touched her. Or abducted her. Or yelled at her. I just can't do it. And there is just NO WAY she would let somebody else that she doesn't know put her to bed. It would be a total nightmare.

Phil and I haven't had a chance to fully talk about it yet and I hope he doesn't hate me for changing my mind. I'm hoping we can get a credit for the plane ticket and use it in March when we take the kids to Georgia. I also hope my in-laws are ok with watching both kids for a week. it's a lot and I feel bad asking them for so much. But I know they won't say no.

I'm still really upset about having to leave her. I know Tyler won't really miss us but she will. She cries when I leave her at the daycare at the gym and that's only for 2 hours. And then every time another mother comes to get their kid and she hears someone say "mama" she looks for me and then starts crying again when it isn't me. The thought of leaving her for a whole week and what that's going to do to her emotionally completely breaks my heart.

Please tell me I am doing the right thing.

freaking out about our trip

2010-01-04T10:11:00.000-08:00

Phil has earned a trip to Aruba through his company, much like our trip to the Bahamas last year. Basically he reached his quota for the year and this is his reward. They pay for every last cent. It was an AMAZING trip last year and I am so proud of him for getting it again. He worked really really hard for this. So basically there is no way I am not going with him.

The plan right now is to leave Tyler with my in-laws and take Avery with us. I have NO qualms about leaving Ty. My in-laws did awesome with Avery last year and I know he is too young to miss us. I will miss him horribly of course but I need to do what is best for my children and I know a week in Aruba is not best for him.

It's Avery I'm worried about. She is still very attached to me and I feel like leaving her for a week would be too devastating for her. I just don't think I can put her through that. She would think I abandoned her. I honsetly think it would break her heart. This is why we decided to bring her this year.

But his company has an agenda and spouses are required to attend all of the events. The resort has a babysitting service but I am so nervous about this. How can I leave her with a stranger in a different country?!!!?!? All of the events are at night or during nap-time so taking her to the events wouldn't really work either. She is not a night owl at all and would be miserable. I'm nervous about getting her to sleep in an unfamiliar place, never mind doing it with a stranger.

I love my little girl

2009-12-30T16:22:00.000-08:00

My little girl was sick today -- fever of 103.5. It took a high fever for me to realize what a wonderful, beautiful blessing she really is. The hitting and the food throwing and the whining are not what really matters. They are just part of growing up. What matters is that she is my child and I love her more than anything.

I just spent the last 30 minutes rocking her in the glider. I haven't done that in many many months. She's always too active and too busy. And let's be honest here, I'm always too busy too. Too busy doing the dishes or cleaning the kitchen or checking my email or whatever else I have on my to-do list.

What I sometimes forget is that she and her brother are at the TOP of my to-do list. Not bathing them or feeding them or washing their clothes. But loving them. Just BEING with them. That's what being a real mother is all about.

having a hard time with Avery

2009-12-29T18:47:00.001-08:00

I love Avery to death but she is so challenging. Right now there are 3 main issues that are going to be the death of me. She hits other kids (as well as Phil, myself and sometimes Tyler), she throws all of her food and I mean every last morsel and she whines ALL.DAY.LONG.

Ok one issue at a time. The hitting. The part that stresses me most is that I honestly DO NOT know what to do when it happens. I spoke to a friend who is a child psychologist a few weeks ago and she told me I need to remove her from the situation. Well that isn't always possible. I can't just leave playgroup the minute we get there. But it's at the point now that I don't even want to go anymore. It's embarrassing. I don't want my kid to be the bully. But she is. It is a horrible, horrible feeling and it makes me so sad. I will never ever judge a parent of a "bully" again. I promise you if I knew how to stop this behavior I would in a heartbeat.

My friend said this is all related to bringing home a new baby and wanting to get my attention. The hitting only happens in front of me. She is fine if I' not there. I've been trying to give her more attention. I've been taking her to the little kid's gym at my gym every day -- just me and her. But as soon as another kid comes along she starts with the hitting/slapping and it ruins it. I tried taking her shopping with me, just the two of us. I don't even want to go there -- all I can say is NEVER AGAIN. I thought putting her in the childcare at the gym would be good for her. But she throws a tantrum every time I leave her. And then she throws another tantrum every time it's time to go. It's taken me 20 minutes to get her coat on every time. Today I literally had to wrestle her on the floor to get it on. It wasn't pretty.

Next issue -- throwing food. It's getting ridiculous. I basically have to wash my entire kitchen after every meal. We haven't even tried to teach her to use utensils yet because mealtime is so stressful already. She is horribly picky too and I feel so stressed about getting her to eat anything healthy. I feel like a failure at just about every meal. We've tried saying no. We've tried totally ignoring it. We've tried giving her a reward (cookie or jello) if she doesn't throw her food. Nothing has helped. Phil thinks we should just take the food away as soon as she starts throwing. But how can I send her to bed hungry? She is still a baby. She even threw her snack at the gym childcare today. I could tell the teachers there were appalled by her behavior. What kind of kid throws their entire snacktrap across the room?!?!

And the whining. She is 15 months going on 15 years. She's always been this way -- 12 steps ahead of herself. Here's an example. She got the little people dollhouse for Christmas. Most 15-month-olds probably aren't ready to be into dollhouse stuff. But she is SO into it. She wants to make the little people sit in their little chairs. But she doesn't have the fine motor skills yet to do it. She tries and then gets frustrated with herself. So she whines for me to do it. So I put the little people in their chairs and she tries to pick them up and they fall off their chairs. And the whining starts again. And repeat this all day long. If it isn't the little people it's putting bibs on her dolls. And then taking the bibs off. Or dressing them in her pajamas. And then undressing them. She wants the doll in the highchair. And then she wants the doll out of the highchair. It's so constant. She literally says "momma" 182 times a day. "momma, momma, momma..."

I'm sorry this got so long. As you can see I am going crazy here. I think I'd feel better about all of these issues if I had ANY CLUE as to how to deal with them. But I don't. I'm totally stuck and totally exhausted. I just want to raise a kind, well-behaved little girl and I feel like I am failing miserably.

Thank the GOOD LORD that Tyler is so far totally easy and mellow. Fingers and toes crossed that he stays that way because I might go off the deep end if he doesn't.

3 hour naps

2009-12-22T12:26:00.001-08:00

are HEAVEN!!!!!!!! That's all I have to say. Avery NEVER did this until the day we brought Tyler home from the hospital, when she was 13 months old. So there is hope for all of you who know the pain of non-nappers!

I joined the gym!

2009-12-21T12:25:00.000-08:00

I checked it out last week and was really upset about the childwatch. It just seemed like way too many kids. I went again today to a different branch and the toddler area was blocked off in their own section. It's no bigger than my kitchen and always has an adult on watch. Today there were 3-4 kids and at most there are 7-8. The infant area is the same way in a separate area. I am ok with this.

The staff was really nice and knowledgeable and Avery immediately attached herself to the woman in the toddler area. Unfortunately the woman had to leave to pick up her child at school and Avery melted down and they had to come get me because she was so upset. But the good news is THEY CAME TO GET ME, which is what I asked them to do. So I didn't get to finish my class but oh well. My kids were safe and cared for. And I had a whole 30 minutes TO MYSELF!

I can't wait to go back tomorrow. Hopefully Avery will do a little better and I'll get to finish a whole class. I am SO excited to get my body back -- 7 more weeks to Aruba!!

I think we have a routine!

2009-12-14T16:49:00.000-08:00

This was one of my biggest anxieties before Ty was born -- how on earth would I manage my time to meet both of their needs. Well it's taken us 6 weeks but I think we've settled into a routine and it actually works!! The only issue is that there aren't any big windows of time to go out and do any errands because somebody always needs to be fed or Avery is napping. I'm hoping once Avery fully drops her morning nap it will free up some time to go out and get things done.

So here is our 15-month/6-week routine!

6:00 wake-up call from both babies, luckily Avery will play in her crib by herself for a while
6:00 change/feed Tyler
6:30 Avery breakfast
7:00 my coffee/breakfast
7:30 Tyler nap (usually on my chest in the ergo)
8:30 change/feed Tyler
9:00 Avery nap (sometimes she just plays in her crib)
my shower
9:15 laundry/clean
10:00 get both kids dressed
Tyler nap
11:00 change/feed Tyler
11:30 Avery lunch
12:00 my lunch
1:00 Avery & Tyler nap (yippee!!!)
1:30 change/feed Tyler
2:00 watch O.C.
3:00 Avery snack
Tyler nap
4:00 change/feed Tyler
5:00 Avery dinner
5:30 Avery bath
Tyler nap
me cook dinner
6:00 me & Phil dinner
6:30 change/feed Tyler
7:00 Avery bed
8:30 change/feed Tyler
9:00 me and Tyler bedtime
2:30 change/feed Tyler

my letter from work came today

2009-12-02T16:09:00.000-08:00

the letter saying I need to make a decision by Jan. 15 about next year. UGH.

I am currently on my 2nd year leave of absence from my teaching job. Phil thinks we've already decided. I've been telling him forever how glad I am that I can stay home, how it would be ridiculous to pay for daycare for 2 kids and how I could never imagine getting out the door with 2 kids and then commuting 45 min and getting to work by 8:00, when I would ever have time to get the groceries, do the laundry, clean the house, etc. -- how much more stressful it would be for all of us.

And this is all still true. But this is so final now. If I don't go back, I lose my job. It's not like I can ask them to hold my position for a THIRD year. I've been in limbo for 2 years now and it's been a safety net for me. I've still been a part of my school community. I've gone to the baby showers, bridal showers, funerals, parades, etc. I've always known in the back of my head that I COULD go back if I wanted to. And when people ask me what I do I still say I'm a teacher.

I was a teacher for 10 years before Avery was born. I was at this particular school for 5 years. It was a REALLY good job. It was a miracle I got hired in that district to begin with. They are the highest paying in the state and I could never find another teaching job that payed as well.

But it's not just that. I had FRIENDS there. I fit in. They were a second family to me. I never minded going to work. And I was proud to tell people what I did for a living. It was a huge part of my identity.

I love being a SAHM and I know how lucky I am that I even have the option to stay home with my children. It is the most wonderful thing in the world. But still, I feel like giving this up is like giving up a part of myself.

There are other options. My friend from work also just had a baby and at one point we discussed job-sharing (basically teaching the same class and each working half the week). She is coming over on Friday and I know it will come up. But in my heart I don't think this is for me. I'm sorry for rambling. I'm just nowhere near ready to make this decision.

"night-night Ty"

2009-12-02T09:09:00.001-08:00

Avery's first 2-word sentence!!! We were in Target and he was getting fussy. I said, "Tyler needs a night-night." Avery turns around in the cart (he was in his car seat in the back of the cart) and says "night-night Ty" and then blows him a kiss! I have never been more proud of my little girl. I must say she has REALLY stepped up to the plate on being the big sister. She is SO AMAZING with him!

harder or easier than I expected?

2009-11-23T16:36:00.000-08:00

I'd say 2 under 2 has moments of being really easy and moments of being really hard. When everyone is fed and changed and happy then I take a deep breath and look at my beautiful children and say, "wow this is great!" Then 2 minutes later everyone is crying and they are both hungry at once and both have poops in their diapers and groceries that need to be put away and the phone is ringing off the hook and I have to pee and I think, "oh my god, are you joking?!" But the good moments definitely outweigh the challenging ones. I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything.

I think the end of my pregnancy was actually harder than it is right now. I was so big and uncomfortable and it was really hard for me to take care of and play with Avery. And I had so much anxiety about all the unknowns.

Nothing is as scary as I thought it would be. Overall I'd say that I am loving my new life and when things get stressful I just pour myself another cup of coffee or another cup of wine, depending on the time of day.

how to take them to the doctor's today???

2009-11-19T07:43:00.000-08:00

We have an appt to re-check Avery's ear this morning. I'm glad because the poor thing just came off antibiotics and is sick again!!! Anyway I'm on my own here so will have to take both kids myself. Should I:

a. Avery in the maclaren, Ty in the ergo -- if Avery gets upset (which she often does at the doctors) it might be hard for me to hold her if he is on my chest
b. Ty in the snap&go, Avery holding my hand & carry her if she runs off -- she definitely might run off
c. double stroller -- pain to get in and out of the car, will take up the whole examining room

These are the kind of logistics that are hard to figure out with 2 under 2!!

ugh and here is my next dilemma -- he is due to eat at some point around our appt time. I could either wake him and feed him right now before we leave or hope for the best and try to get home before he gets hungry. I think it will be hard to feed him there if Avery is screaming adn throwing a tantrum.

2 hours later...

Well, I went with the snap-n-go. I realized I wasn't going to have time to feed him before I left so we just left a little early instead. That gave me just enough time to feed him in the waiting room. Unfortunately he ate too fast and then threw up all over himself and me. Some dumb guy in the waiting room kept telling me what a spitty baby I have.

Avery did fine until I had the nurse look at her diaper rash and she thought she was getting a shot. She freaked out and didn't stop freaking out until we got in the car so I ended up having to carry her out of there. Ty was screaming too. Big old screamfest. And she did take off in the parking lot as predicted.

Oh well, it's done and we all survived. Is it too early for my glass of wine?

a day in the life

2009-11-18T16:33:00.000-08:00

I am on my own tonight. Bedtime was challenging. I put Ty in the bassinet and wheeled him from the bathroom for Avery's bath to the nursery to get her in her jammies. He started crying so I tried putting him in his crib instead and was trying to get him to take the paci. Then I realized I had left Avery on the changing table alone!!!! OMG I have NEVER done that before. I feel like the worst mom ever. Thank GOD she was so concerned about her brother that she stayed totally still. Usually I am wrestling her while she is trying to climb or roll off. I don't know what I would have done if she had fallen off the changing table.

This is the second huge safety mistake I've made since Ty was born. The first was when I left the gate open at the top of the stairs and Avery climbed half-way down on her own. I don't know what my problem is (sleep-deprivation maybe??) but it really needs to stop.

This is the first time I've sat still all day long. Both babies are sleeping and everyone survived the day. I am having wine and cookie dough for dinner. I feel like I deserve it today.

Dear Tyler -- 9 days old

2009-11-13T16:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Tyler,

You are 9 days old today. You are the most beautiful, sweetest, most cuddliest little boy I have ever known. I fall more in love with you every minute. I apologize in advance if this letter turns out to be short. I've been writing it to you in my head for a few days now. But life with two babies is busy and your mama is one tired lady.

So I'll just tell you about my favorite part of the day. Naptime. Your sister has been napping better than ever since we brought you home (thanks to bribery and dairy-free cookies.) And her naptime is our naptime. I get you undressed to your diaper, lie you on my chest and wrap you up in my bathrobe. I put my hand against your back and plant little kisses on your tiny face. You love the warmth of me. We get comfy on the couch together and turn out the lights and just hang out. It is the one time of the day that I stop everything. I don't answer the phone or the door. I don't do dishes or laundry or dust. I don't get out my computer. We just spend time being together. I love watching your tiny little arm stretched out across me. I love your funny little expressions while you sleep. And I love listening to you breathe. There is nothing better.

When I was pregnant with you, I was scared. Not scared of losing you like I was with your sister. I was scared of having you. I didn't know how I would ever manage life with two babies. How would I take care of you both? Feed you both? Love you both? I was sure I would lose myself in the process.

Well little man, you've surprised me. None of those things turned out to be scary at all. No, sweetie, they've been wonderful. I never knew how much I wanted you until you got here. And now I couldn't imagine life without you. You have given me a whole new perspective. You have taught me to slow down and enjoy the moment. You have reminded me how to take one day at a time. You have forced me to breathe.

You are one special little boy. I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

checking in

2009-11-08T16:21:00.000-08:00

Avery is doing amazing with the transition. She just loves her new baby. Yesterday he was crying and she ran to get him her dolly bottle. It was so cute. My mother-in-law and I took her for her first haircut yesterday as something special to do as a big girl. Something about having a new baby made me suddenly ready for this 1st haircut I've been putting off. It was so much fun! The boys stayed home and watched football. I think Phil loves having a son. It melts my heart. And I do too. I never knew how much I wanted a little boy until I had one. I am so in love.

Home Sweet Home!

2009-11-06T15:38:00.000-08:00

Eveything is going great! Sweet little Tyler has pretty much just slept and made cute faces. Barely a fuss all day long. He is doing ver well on the formula and I don't think he has the same milk allergy that Avery did. He even had his first real poop!

Avery is very happy to have us home and is very excited about the "baba". She even learned how to say Ty. She was VERY excited about finally putting a real baby in the swing and was jumping up and down and clapping. She's still not feeling too great but she's hanging in there.

My in-laws have been so great. They've done all the cooking/cleaning/laundry/groceries/etc. And I am doing pretty good. Would love some time to sit here and catch up with all of you but I'll have to wait for my in-laws to leave for that I think. Still really tired and a little emotional and on edge but not too bad. Tyler and I took a wonderful nap together this afternoon -- I just love snuggling with my little man. And I am on my second glass of wine!

the night Tyler was born

2009-11-05T14:03:00.000-08:00

introducing Tyler Jacob

2009-11-05T14:01:00.001-08:00

IT'S A BOY!!!!!

2009-11-05T13:51:00.000-08:00

Welcome my beautiful boy Tyler Jacob!!! November 4, 2009, 12:48am, 8lbs 5oz 21 inches

On Tuesday morning I took Avery to a sing-along at the library and then to the park with a friend. It was a very normal day. I had given up on trying to get this baby to come and accepted that I would just be pregnant forever.

By the time I got home from the park and fed Avery lunch I started to feel really crampy. Around 2:00 I was changing her diaper and had to call for Phil because the contraction was hard enough that I couldn't stand up at the changing table. I knew this was something -- finally!

I still didn't want to call our "people" because I was so worried it was false labor. My sister-in-law finally came at 4:00 to pick up Avery, and Phil and I cleaned up the house and got everything ready. I tried to relax but the contractions picked up and we decided it was time to go!

The car ride wasn't so bad. The contractions were coming 5 minutes apart. It was a beautiful clear night with a near full moon. I wanted to remember everything and made Phil pull over and take a picture!

Got to the hospital around 6:30 and was very pleased to find out I was 4-6cm considering my cervix was still closed as of Monday. From then until midnight my labor was wonderful. I actually really enjoyed it and kept saying how much easier it was than Avery's labor. I spent a lot of time in the tub and it was like being at a spa. I loved it. The contractions were painful but nothing I couldn't handle. I never got the epi. Phil was an awesome coach and reminded me through every contraction that I was doing a great job and it would be over soon.

My midwife checked me again at 12:30 and I was a 7. This is when things got crazy. My water broke and then everything just started happening SO FAST. I went from a 7 to a 10 in less than 15 minutes. The contractions were right on top of each other and I thought I was going to die. Lots of screaming. Then I had the sudden urge to push and nobody was ready. They kept telling me to wait but I couldn't help it. Three pushes later he was born!!! This was at 12:48am.

The cord was wrapped tightly around his neck and he was blue and not crying. I swear he opened his eyes and looked at me though so I never felt scared. I knew he was going to be ok. They had to take him away (just to the other side of the room -- I could still see him) and I still didn't know if it was a boy or a girl. I thought I saw a little "pecker" (as my grandma would say) as they took him away. And then Phil yelled, "It's a boy!!!" That moment was so incredible. Everyone in the room stayed very calm so I had no idea what was going on. Phil saw everything though and was scared to death.

Anyway little Tyler is perfectly fine now. He is sleeping away so peacefully. He has a full head of dark hair and looks so much like Avery did as a newborn. I am so in love all over again. Avery is coming to visit around 11 and I am so excited for her to meet her baby brother!!!

well if he doesn't have a pecker...

2009-10-30T10:14:00.001-07:00

then he doesn't have a pecker. So be it.

This is what my grandma just said to me on the phone. Ha!!

fun day with Avery

2009-10-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

I took Avery to the Halloween parade at my school. I loved my old school -- loved my co-workers, loved the parents, loved the kids. I got to see EVERYONE today. It was SOOOOOOO much fun. I must say I think I had the cutest little bumble bee there! Avery absolutely LOVED seeing all the kids. She was in her glory dancing around the parade. Of course I couldn't get her to stand still and smile for a picture but that's ok. And of course my "little pumpkin" was a huge hit. Some of the kids asked me if it was real. LOL. I am so happy BB decided to stay in and let Avery and I enjoy this very fun day!

boo!

2009-10-28T17:28:00.001-07:00

Look, I swallowed a pumpkin!

The dancing did nothing -- stupid cervix :(

2009-10-27T16:33:00.001-07:00

My cervix is still soft and open on the outside but closed on the inside so she couldn't strip my membranes. Not much more to report. Everything else looked good. She told me some women just have longer gestations. Great, I've been blessed with long gestations. How wonderful.

ok, BB can stay in

2009-10-26T18:43:00.001-07:00

My mother-in-law had her consultation with the surgeon today. Her surgery will be sometime between Nov 12 - Nov 19 which means there is a really good chance she will not miss BB's grand entrance and she and my father-in-law will be able to come and take care of Avery. I am SO relieved!! I also feel like if her doctors were THAT worried they wouldn't be putting the surgery off for another 2 weeks.

So as much as I really want to meet BB I am ok with him/her cooking as long as needed. If BB wants a November birthday who am I to decide otherwise?!

And I'll feel a lot better about getting induced at 41 weeks if BB hasn't shown up by then rather than being induced today at 39 weeks. Do you hear that BB? I'll give you 2 more weeks if you need it. But I'll take you any time now!!!!

I could have been induced today

2009-10-26T18:42:00.001-07:00

But we decided to go with Mother Nature instead. I know it was the right decision but I still feel like kicking myself. I just want to meet my baby already!

My mother-in-law's surgery will likely be the beginning of next week. She'll know more after her consultation with the surgeon today. If BB doesn't come before the surgery my in-laws will not be able to come. It's going to REALLY suck if she misses the birth of her grandchild. Then I will be really kicking myself. And we have not really figured out a plan B for Avery yet either.

Come on Mother Nature!!!!!!!

family date

2009-10-25T18:39:00.000-07:00

We were walking through Faneuil Hall today in Boston and some guy walked by and yelled, "WOW!" and then starting laughing really hard. Then a few seconds after he passed us he yelled, "but you ain't got nothing in the back, god bless you!" I turned to Phil and said, "was he talking to ME?!?!?!" Turns out he was. LOL.

I was actually flattered by this. At least I "ain't got nothing in the back", right? I still can't figure out if he was saying wow and laughing because I am pregnant while pushing a baby in a stroller or because my belly is just THAT big. Has he never seen someone this pregnant before?!

dance this baby out

2009-10-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

I hate this

2009-10-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

I know you all think I am so patient because we didn't find out the sex but the truth is I am the LEAST patient person you will ever know. I HATE WAITING!!! Last night was such a tease. I'm sorry for teasing all of you too. This morning I have nothing. NOTHING. NADA. ZERO. I'm frustrated.

I'm just ready already. I want to meet my baby. I want to know if I am going to have a son in my life or two little girls. I want to know if Avery will go through life with a brother or a sister. I can't stand waiting anymore!!!

I hate not knowing when. It could be today, it could be 3 weeks from today. This is the part that is hardest for me. It is seriously making me crazy. Ok, I'm sorry for whining. I know there are much bigger things in the world and this is nothing to complain about. I just had to vent for a minute.

I think we've decided

2009-10-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

to let nature take its course. We haven't finished talking about it and Phil says he wants to sleep on it. But I know him. And I know he doesn't want to do the induction. And he doesn't think his mother would want us to do it just because of her either.

We need to make a serious plan B for Avery which might include Phil coming home both nights (if possible) in time to do bedtime with her. It will be harder on all of us -- me, Phil, Avery, my mother-in-law. But I really just don't think I'm comfortable evicting BB before he/she is ready if it isn't medically necessary.

I have come to believe that this child was conceived at this time for a reason. And likewise this child will come into the world at a certain time for a reason. It's not up to me (or any of us) to decide when.

But I'm still hoping it's sooner rather than later!!

38 weeks

2009-10-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

The update is there is no update. BB is still great. My cervix is still soft but pretty much closed. My midwife was not concerned about H1N1. I am feeling a little better today and I think it's just a slight cold.

I talked to her about our mother-in-law predicament. Basically she has to have surgery the beginning of Nov (basically right around my EDD) and will not be able to help with Avery if BB decides to wait until then to arrive. My midwife mentioned the option of elective induction next week. I am REALLY torn on this. I have never been a big fan of elective inductions and can't even believe I am considering it. I am more of a let-mother-nature-do-its-thing kind of girl.

The only other option we have for Avery is my brother & sister-in-law but they have 3 young kids of their own. Having my in-laws come here is definitely the best and least disruptive option for Avery. Doing what is best for her is my biggest priority. And knowing exactly when we'd be leaving for the hospital would make things a lot easier in that respect.

But of course I want to do what's best for BB too. I don't like the idea of evicting him/her before it's really time. I don't like the idea of putting drugs into my body if it's not necessary. But I also know plenty of people who were induced and their babies turned out just fine.

As for me, I think I would feel a little robbed about not going into labor on my own. I loved that part of it with Avery. Everything about it was so exciting. But I guess I had that experience with her. Maybe it's ok if I don't get it again? Like I said Avery & BB's needs are more important than my own this time around. I would still be able to labor in the tub and she said I'd still have a good chance of going naturally. MWs use pitocin differently than OBs. She said they use it much more gently and gradually so the chance of it leading to a c-section is less than if I were being induced by an OB.

And of course I don't want mother-in-law to miss this. She is like the mother I never had and I love her dearly. I really WANT her to be a part of it and stay with us afterwards like she did with Avery. I'd hate for her to have to miss that and be dealing with the whole cancer scare instead. That would just suck for her.

So as you can see I am really torn. We have to decide by Wednesday. Phil says he still needs more time to think about it but I think he would rather let nature take its course.

final boy name

2009-10-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

We had a great time on our date although we feel lame that we were home by 8:00. Oh well. We're homebodies I guess.

Avery did great -- this is the FIRST time anyone has ever put her to bed besides myself or Phil or my mother-in-law. She cried for 10 minutes (not uncommon for her at all) and then rolled over and went to sleep. I'm so proud of all the progress she's made. And I really like/trust our babysitter. This was a HUGE step for us.

We had a really honest talk about names. In the end we both agreed that my maiden name is more appropriate as a middle name, not a first name. There are a lot of other reasons/associations/family issues and I do think this is the right decision. I'm glad we took the time to really talk it through. It was important.

And in our talk we both fell more in love with Tyler. The name means so much to Phil because of his friend Ty. I mean the guy died trying to save his wife's life -- can you get more noble than that? It means so much to me to give our son a name with such meaning.

I don't think Tyler Jacob flows quite as nicely but we aren't really planning on saying the first and middle name together all the time anyway. And in the end meaning is more important to me.

So after this very long explanation BB will probably turn out to be a girl! And FWIW I've been having somewhat painful contractions since dinner...

officially unattached!!

2009-10-14T18:20:00.000-07:00

I can honestly say I think we fixed it. Phil is upstairs giving her a bath right now and she is nothing but laughs and squeals. There has been NO crying -- NONE -- in a few days now. If I had known it was going to be this easy I would have done it LONG ago. I'd say it took about a week -- there was A LOT of screaming the first few days but we didn't cave and I guess she finally learned that screaming about it was pointless.

I have now left her with the babysitter twice and she did great both times. Again, no crying. I also left her with my brother and sister-in-law (and her cousins of course) and she loved it and had a blast. This is like a HUGE weight off my chest. I will be able to spend time with BB without her and she will survive.

And the best part is that she seems all-around just happier lately. Listening to the two of them up there right now singing and laughing together while I sit down here and relax is seriously the most wonderful thing in the world.

37 weeks

2009-10-14T18:18:00.000-07:00

Just got home from my 37-week appt. All is well. BB is head down and ready for action. My midwife did an internal and said I was better than a 0 but not quite a 1, whatever that means. I guess my cervix is ripe and soft and things have "started" but my inner cervix is not quite open yet. Part of me thinks that's just what they say so you're not disappointed about no progress. She said I could go into labor tonight or it could be a few more weeks. Lovely.

Anyway at the end of my appointment she said she's see me next week...or maybe she wouldn't. That gave me a little bit more hope. Sorry I don't have more to report!

ok, what am I forgetting?

2009-10-13T18:15:00.000-07:00

*hospital bag, labor bag and Avery's bag are all half-packed with a list of last minute things to be added
*Avery's information list is printed and ready to give to MIL (yes I typed up 5 whole pages about her routine/meals/etc.)
*infant seat installed
*extra seat for Avery installed in SIL's car -- she will be getting Avery when I go into labor
*will be getting another extra seat to put in DH's car so IL's can get Avery from SIL's house and to/from the hospital
*bottles & pacis sterilized and ready to go
*gender-neutral clothes all washed and put away (will send Mom out to buy boy clothes if BB is a boy and will ask MIL to wash girl clothes if BB is a girl)
*bassinet set up in our room
*3 changing stations set up with diapers/wipes/etc. (nursery, PnP, our bedroom)
*swing set up just outside gate to the kitchen so Avery cannot attack
*bouncy seat set up inside PnP so Avery cannot attack
*other bouncy seat set up in our bathroom so I can shower
*still don't know where to put activity mat -- might just do tummy time when Avery is upstairs sleeping
*totally stocked on groceries & supplies -- even made a meatloaf and put it in the freezer for our first official meal with our family of 4
*stocked on pads/hemmoroid cream etc. for me
*double stroller ready to go in the garage -- still have to learn how to use it
*email list created
*Kerri's # in my phone so DH can text her asap and she can let all of you know

Am I missing anything??? I'm finally feeling READY!

I don't think I can do this -- totally overwhelmed

2009-10-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin. What the f&*&**& was I thinking?!?!? Unless having an infant and a 1-year-old is easier than being pregnant with a 1-year-old (which I'm almost positive it isn't) I am totally screwed. I am at my breaking point. I know there are other people out there who have had babies this close together and survived just fine. But they don't have an Avery.

I love my daughter more than anything. But let's be real. She is not like other babies. She is wild and crazy. I love her for it. I'm SO proud of her all the time. But she's CHALLENGING. She hates the car. She hates the stroller. She basically hates anything that keeps her in one place. And she barely naps. So basically she never gives me a break. I am either entertaining her or chasing her ALL DAY LONG. I just don't see how this is going to work with an infant. It is already not working now and BB isn't even here yet.

I just feel like I am not going to make it. I have no picture in my mind of how this is going to work. And I am absolutely SCARED TO DEATH. Thank you for letting me vent...again.

holy crap, I don't hear screaming!!

2009-10-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

No, I HEAR LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil is giving Avery a bath and this is the FIRST time she hasn't screamed the whole time. She did scream on the way up the stairs and for the first few minutes but the screams just stopped and out came the laughing. The two of them took a special trip to Target before dinner to pick out a special rubber ducky (it was a football one of course) and we all made a big deal of feeding, kissing and loving the ducky. We named it "ducky lovey". And I guess IT WORKED!!!

I'm so excited I think I might start crying!

she did GREAT with the babysitter!

2009-10-06T17:13:00.000-07:00

Wahooooooo!!!!! I am SOOOOOOO happy! She called mama a few times right after I left but no crying at all. I took out a few new puzzles that she hadn't seen yet right before I left. That worked well. Babysitter said she ate all her lunch, drank her whole sippy and was happy as could be the WHOLE time. I am seriously doing the happy dance right now! Plus she just went down for her nap within minutes.

you will laugh at me

2009-10-05T17:11:00.000-07:00

So after I wrote that last post about how Avery has made no progress with the separation thing and she will probably scream for the rest of her life every time Phil gives her a bath, he comes down the stairs and says, "It went great!"

Ha! Apparently she screamed during the bath but she wasn't calling for mama. She was screaming for her lovey! I do think this is progress. Now we just need to find a waterproof lovey and we will be all set!

After he got her out of the bath and gave her lovey back she was fine. Fine for jammies, fine for the story, fine for going in her crib. Went to sleep just FINE. I never even went up to say goodnight. I was planning to but Phil said it was going so well he decided to go with it and not call me up. And all that time I was panicking that this was never going to get any better.

Well at least now we know where she gets her "drama-queening" from. LOL.

separation anxiety update

2009-10-05T17:09:00.000-07:00

no progress. none.

Who ever knew we'd have to do CIO for BATHS?!?!?! I think I have the most stubborn baby/toddler on the planet. She wants me to bathe her and will SCREAM at the top of her lungs every single night. I don't think she is anywhere close to giving in. Thank GOD Phil is much calmer than me and doesn't get frazzled by all the screaming. I on the other hand, feel like I am going to puke.

Please somebody tell me this will only take a few more days. I can't do this every night for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow I am leaving her with the babysitter. Shoot me now if she screams like this the whole time I am gone. Crying doesn't bother me. But let me just tell you, my lovely daughter takes it to the EXTREME. And it SUCKS.

bringing Avery to the hospital?

2009-10-04T17:05:00.000-07:00

I hadn't even considered her NOT coming but there was a big debate about this over on 2u2 yesterday. Now I'm really reconsidering. For one hospitals have a lot of germs. But that's not really the main thing.

Given her separation issues I'm worried about her seeing me and then having to leave me there. I feel like it's going to break her heart. Of course I want her to come for MY sake but is this really going to be the best thing for her? Is she too young to handle it? Also I am planning on having another natural birth but what if it doesn't turn out that way? What if I am hooked to an IV or something? I'm afraid it will really scare her. Plus I know her and she'll want to run around all over the place and I'm guessing the hospital room won't be very child-proofed.

She'll be staying at home with my in-laws and obviously they'll want to come ASAP to see the baby so I'm just not sure what to do. I certainly don't want them leaving her somewhere else so that THEY can come, you know? I want to make this transition as smooth for her as possible. I'm just not sure what to do.

Ugh, having a baby with a baby is SO much more confusing...

Avery is screaming upstairs

2009-10-03T17:07:00.000-07:00

Can I ask for some advice on this? Our plan was to slowly phase me out. Instead of being the primary "bather" I now do all the background stuff -- running the bath, getting the washcloth, turning on the music, etc. and Phil does the actual bathing, undressing and dressing.

Then he rocks her on his lap while I read a story. She is actually ok with this part. Basically we've reversed roles. We're thinking we'll phase into him just doing everything and me staying downstairs.

But maybe it would be better if I was just out of the picture altogether??? And maybe just went up at the end to stay goodnight? Do this every night or just every few nights?? Any other ideas?

Phil is pretty ok with her screaming her head off and doesn't get too stressed about it. I, on the other hand, feel like my heart has been ripped out and that I am probably scarring her emotionally for life.

Dear Avery -- happy 1st birthday!

2009-10-01T16:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Avery,

I'm sorry this letter is belated. I've had it written in my head now for a week but it's getting harder and harder to find the time to sit down at my computer and write. You are one busy little lady and I am one tired pregnant mama.

You are 1-year-old now. I don't know how or where the time went. But it did. You had such a wonderful birthday weekend. You woke up on the day of the your birthday all smiles and squeals. Daddy and I went to greet you and we sang you the first of many "happy birthdays". You danced and jumped up and down in your crib and sang along with us. You knew it was going to be a special day. Nana and Papa came to visit and we took you to the farm. I can't say you loved the goats (don't worry, I don't really love goats either) but you sure had a ball in the pumpkin patch. And boy did you have fun playing with your papa.

Saturday was the day of the big party. You were in your glory with all the kids running around our yard. I don't think you stopped moving the entire time. You loved every minute of it. So did I.

A year ago we brought home from the hospital this tiny, mysterious stranger. And somehow along the way you have become a little person. My best friend. My love. My daughter. Daddy and I are so proud of you. You are smart, affectionate, curious and always so independent. You can say mama, dada, nana, papa, bye-bye, pumpkin, car, and backpack. You can sing and dance and jump. I think your laugh will always be my favorite sound in the world.

Tonight I had an honest talk with you. I told you that the baby is coming. It's coming soon, sweetheart -- just four more weeks. Of course you don't know what that means. Yes, you love to kiss my belly but you have no idea what's in there. You're still a baby yourself. But I need you to understand what it doesn't mean. This baby is no replacement for you. And I will never love you any less. I will love you double.

Last week at the grocery store the cashier asked me how far apart my babies will be. When I told her 13 months she looked horrified and told me she hopes her daughter doesn't make the same mistake as me. I wanted to spit at her.

Being 8 months pregnant and taking care of you is challenging. I have days that are really, really hard -- days when I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed I can only bury my head and cry. Some days I am really terrified about adding another new life to the mix.

But let me tell you this. You are no mistake. And neither is your brother or sister. The two of you are God's greatest gifts to me. I will always cherish you. I thank my lucky stars every single day. I love you both more than you could ever know. I hope you always know that.

Love,

Mommy

35 weeks

2009-09-29T16:58:00.000-07:00

MW couldn't feel the head and thought the baby might be breech so I had to have an u/s. I was excited about that but Avery certainly didn't enjoy sitting there in the stroller in the dark -- "mama, mama, mama, mama, mama!!!!!" Turns out the head IS down and everything looked fine.

MW was concerned about my recent throwing-up-so-sick-I'm-going-to-die episodes (last was the night of Avery's party) and I have to go back for an u/s on my gallbladder tomorrow. I also had to test my iron again today. I am terrified of having another hemmorrage after birth.

She also wasn't thrilled with the amount I've been doing lately. She said over-doing it is not going to cause PTL but she ordered me to really take time to put my feet up and rest every day. I really am trying!

She didn't see any need to check my cervix. She said it really doesn't give any information. You can be 3cm for weeks and it means nothing. Fine with me.

My appt which usually lasts 20 minutes took an hour and a half today. Poor Avery. And we have to go back again tomorrow. She was so sweet though hugging and kissing me while the nurse was taking my b/p. I think she thought I was getting a shot like she did yesterday. And then she was hugging and kissing the baby too. I just love my sweet little girl. And my sweet little BB too.

really walking now

2009-08-27T11:10:00.001-07:00

Sorry these videos are so late -- she actually started REALLY walking about a week ago and she's getting better every day!

Amy

2009-08-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Avery,

It's been a while since I've written and I'm sorry. Life just gets busy. And well, sometimes I get a little lazy. I am 7 months pregnant now and you are just about 11 months old. So I guess that's my excuse. You are keeping me very busy and your little brother or sister is keeping me very exhausted. And I love you both more than anything.

When you were about 5 months old you got to meet a beautiful person. Her name was Amy. She was the warmest person I've ever known. She and I did our master's program together at UVM but our friendship went so much deeper. Somehow she became my family. I called her Auntie Amy. I think I was like a daughter to her. Silly as it sounds, she kept a picture of me on her refrigerator.

That's the thing about Amy. She was silly. But she didn't care who laughed at her. You couldn't not laugh in Amy's presence. Because Amy was always, always laughing. And her laugh was contagious. That was her greatest gift.

Amy was in the middle of her chemo treatments when your daddy and I got married. She wasn't sure whether or not she'd be able to make it to our wedding. It was a 4-hour trip for her. I'll never forget it though. Daddy and I had just said our "I do's" and were walking along the beach with our photographer. And there was Amy -- yelling "hi Ani!" (that's what she called me) at the top of her lungs and waving her arms frantically and laughing and laughing. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see anyone. A lot of things made my day that day but seeing Amy was definitely one of them.

Amy had a surprise birthday party in March. You were just 5 months old. It wasn't easy to travel with you at that age. You still hated the car and screamed all the way to Vermont. But I knew I had to go and I knew I had to bring you. I just knew she had to meet you. Amy was shocked by the party and even more shocked to see me there. I loved that moment when she saw you for the first time. It totally made her day.

I was only about 5 weeks pregnant at the time and wasn't telling people yet. But as I hugged Amy good-bye, I whispered to her, "I'm pregnant again!" She squealed and laughed and hugged me hard. She was SO happy for me. What a wonderful moment. The picture above was taken just after that -- what a special picture of all four of us. It was the last time I ever saw her.

We have to cancel our trip to Nantucket this weekend so that Daddy and I can go to Amy's funeral. I was really excited to bring you to Nantucket. It was going to be a really, really fun weekend. But here's the lesson. There are just some things in life that are more important than fun. Honoring a loved one's life is one of them.

I know that Amy will be looking down from heaven and laughing out loud at the site of me and Laurie together -- both with our big pregnant bellies. My hope is that she'll be feeling just as joyful and loved to see me at her funeral as I was to see her at my wedding.

That's what friendship is all about.

I love you sweet girl.

Love,

Mommy

Look Who's Walking

2009-08-09T15:23:00.000-07:00

one-handed walking

2009-07-21T16:47:00.000-07:00

No Hands!

2009-07-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

Avery has started standing on her own and is just SO proud of herself! I'm thinking her first steps are not far off.

Family Weekend in Cape Cod

2009-07-12T17:00:00.001-07:00

Dear Avery -- pee and poop

2009-07-08T16:38:00.000-07:00

A lot of people got a good laugh out of these confessions last night so I'll write them out again here. Maybe Avery will have a good laugh some day too.

Dear Avery,

I always change you upstairs in the nursery on your changing table. Problem is you don't seem to like it anymore. You wiggle and kick your legs and toss and turn and make many attempts to crawl right off the table. I bribe you with hairbrushes and remote controls and puffs. But more often than not, changing you is a lot like wrestling an alligator.

So last night Daddy had dinner cooking on the stove and he announced that it would be ready in 3 minutes. You had already eaten and were stripped down to your diaper crawling around like a madwoman. I noticed your diaper looked very full and decided to change you real quick before dinner. In the interest of time I thought I'd do it right there in the family room instead of dragging you upstairs. I pulled a fresh diaper from the diaper bag and pulled your wet one off. I didn't even bother to lie you down first. Only it wasn't just wet. No, to my great surprise, you had yourself a giant poop hiding in there.

I was not prepared at all. I didn't even have any wipes handy. It was too late anyway. Little Miss Kicker that you are, you stepped right into it and then proceeded to step all over me. I shrieked, picked you up by your armpits and started to rush you up the stairs.

Daddy came to see what all the shrieking was about and yelled out, "There's a turd hanging from her butt!!"

And that's when it happened. Right at the bottom of the stairs, that turd fell right off your butt and landed right in the middle of our tile floor.

I wasn't mad about it. Not at all. No sweetheart, I thought it was just about the funniest thing that ever happened. I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. I laughed so hard my side hurt. I laughed so hard I peed my pants -- which isn't that uncommon these days.

And while we're talking about pee, I have one other quick story for you. Last weekend we went to a 4th of July BBQ at Hunter's house. I peed my pants there too. I had to confess to Hunter's mommy because I kept going back and forth to the bathroom to try to fix it and she asked me what was up. She said she'd let me borrow a pair of maternity pants but she'd already lent them all to me. In fact, I was wearing her pants. Yes, honey, I peed Hunter's mommy's pants.

I guess this is what happens when you spend 17 of the last 21 months pregnant. I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Happy 4th of July!

2009-07-04T11:58:00.001-07:00

kissing the baby

2009-06-29T17:35:00.000-07:00

only fussy because she REALLY wanted the video camera. But still, what a sweet big sister!

Dear Avery -- 9 months old

2009-06-27T16:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Avery,

To my beautiful little girl girl -- I know it doesn't seem possible but I still fall more in love with you every single day.

I brought you to the beach today. It was Nannie's 85th birthday. Daddy is sick so he stayed home. It was just me and you. And let me tell you, it was a near perfect day.

I was a little worried about the hour long drive since we all know you're not a big fan of the car. But guess what? You slept like a perfect little angel -- both ways! Mommy remembered your lovey this time and as soon as you had that in your hands you were out. There were NO tears at all.

The weather wasn't great but you didn't care. I didn't care either. You loved the sand, loved the waves, loved the fresh cool ocean breeze and loved all the sounds and smells of the ocean. You loved all the things that I love. And of course you loved playing with your cousins all day. I think you made Nannie's whole birthday. You made my whole day too.

I just put you to bed. After you finished your bottle you lied there on my chest cuddling into me like you always do. I love when you do that -- looking up at me with your big beautiful eyes, hanging on my every word. I told you tonight how proud I am of you, how proud I am to be your mother. I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

learning to walk

2009-06-14T11:02:00.000-07:00

19-week ultrasound

2009-06-05T09:44:00.000-07:00

I remember this same monumental milestone just a little over a year ago. Last time I couldn't sleep. I was too excited and was up at the crack of dawn. This time I was up at the crack of dawn too, but only because I had to shower, get Avery and I both dressed and fed, pack the diaper bag, load Avery into the car and make it to the appointment on time.

Last time my husband and I enjoyed the drive, talking about how excited we were to see our baby. This time we had to drive separately. I went the long way to give Avery plenty of time to nap in the car. Only she didn't nap. She screamed instead. I pulled over 6 different times to stick the pacifier back in, praying all the while that she would just fall asleep. My prayers were answered...six minutes before we got there. Of course.

Last time my husband stood next to me, holding my hand, both of us eyes glued to the screen. The room was silent as we watched our baby in complete awe. This time my husband held Avery and did everything under the sun to entertain her, including lots of dancing and bouncing. I had to ask him to move a few times because he was blocking my view. I could barely hear what the technician was saying because the room was filled with Avery's babbles and shrieks.

Last time I excitedly called all my family on the ride home and shared the wonderful news of our healthy baby. This time I set my ipod on repeat as loud as it would go to "hot, hot hot" to try to calm my screaming baby (or at least drown out the sound) and made the 45-minute drive in less than 35 minutes. I told myself that if I got pulled over for speeding, at least I'd have a safe person to hand Avery over to. And I'd tell him that she comes with a free ipod set on repeat to "hot hot hot".

Last time I came home and dreamed about being a mother. I had never been so excited and couldn't stop smiling. This time I came home and sobbed, wondering how on earth I'm ever going to be able to handle two when I clearly can't even handle one.

There was only one part of today that was the same as last year. When the technician asked the big question, "do you want to know the sex?" we said no. Last time I was tempted. This time I really wasn't. Despite all of the challenges my little girl brings me every day, that beautiful moment of "it's a girl" in the delivery room was hands-down the most incredible one of my entire life. I can't wait to have that again, although, "it's a boy" would be just as wonderful.

And for the record, I've been calling girl all along but last night I dreamed it was a boy. He was 6lbs 8oz at birth and had lots of thick blonde hair as a toddler. He was cute as can be. I guess we'll find out in about 4-5 months!

Dear Avery -- 8 months old

2009-05-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Avery,

You are becoming such a big, beautiful, curious little lady. You love balls, dolls, water bottles, remote controls, cell phones, books, hairbrushes and anything that makes music. And of course your mommy and daddy. You are so cuddly these days and so sweet.

In fact you are a lot of things lately that I couldn't say you were a month or so ago. Mostly you are just happy. It's what I've been wanting for you for so long. And dare I say it -- you are even easy.

See, sweetheart, you are finally getting the sleep that you need. You wake up from your naps full of energy and smiles and you play quietly in your crib until I come to get you. If I didn't have the video monitor I'd probably think you were still sleeping. But I get to watch you -- sitting up talking to your dolly, reading your book and clapping your binkies together with joy. There are no more tears. None. It's such a beautiful thing.

It was a tough road to get you here and I doubted myself many times. But I know now that I've given you a precious gift and it was the best thing I could have done. I think you know it too. I swear you love me even more these days. You give me hugs and kisses and cuddles. There is nothing better in the whole wide world.

And we don't butt heads anymore. You give me time to shower and clean and cook and get everything else done so that when nap-time is over I get to do nothing but play with you. It's my best part of the day.

We solved our stroller problem too. We take wagon walks now instead and you LOVE it. You play with mommy's water bottle and eat your ritz crackers and smile at everyone in the neighborhood and babble away the whole time. You are in your glory.

You bring me so much joy. I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

Bathtime

2009-05-18T16:56:00.001-07:00

She loves her big girl bath but doesn't have much interest in getting dressed afterwards!

So fast!

2009-05-16T16:26:00.000-07:00

CIO

2009-05-16T05:28:00.000-07:00

Babies can only learn what we take the time to teach them.

I've learned this lesson now loud and clear. I had been expecting too much from Avery -- expecting her to nap the "right" way when I had never taught her the "right" way. People told me she's start stretching her naps once we started solids. Nope. Then they told me she'd do it once she started crawling. Nope. Everyone convinced me that she would just do this on her own. Or she'd never do it at all. And that I'd just have to accept that.

So I did accept it. I gave up. But I was still frustrated and exhausted. She was a fussy, overtired, clingy, high-maintenance baby and I was going all day with her with just a 30-minute break here and there. I loved her but I was becoming depressed. I couldn't fathom how on earth I would ever do this with a newborn added to the mix in a few months. It wasn't working for any of us.

It was a friend of a friend who finally sat me down (over the phone), told it to me straight and gave me a plan. It worked for her and it would work for me -- she promised. But I had to be committed and I had to be patient. And then this woman called me every single day and offered me a kind of support that made all the difference in the world. This stranger saved my family.

Letting her cry it out wasn't easy. There was a lot of screaming involved. Hearing my daughter scream and not rushing up the stairs to save her took a kind of strength I wasn't sure I could muster. There were a lot of tears from me too.

But I kept reminding myself over and over and over that the hardest lessons in life are often the best ones. And that it is my responsibility as her mother to also be her teacher. My husband would argue that that is our biggest responsibility. It was up to us to teach her how to soothe herself and get the rest she so desperately needs. She wasn't hurt. She wasn't in danger. She wasn't hungry. She wasn't wet. She was going to be ok.

And saving her actually meant not rushing up the stairs.

I know that CIO is not the best choice for every family. This was pretty much our last resort. But after 9 days I can tell you that it did work for us. Avery is in the middle of her morning nap right now. She woke after 45 minutes, fussed for 30 seconds, rolled over and went back to sleep. I am watching her on the video monitor right now cuddled up with her lovey, dreaming away peacefully.

With complete pride, I can tell you this was absolutely the right choice for us. She is happier, more independent, less clingy and has a new spark that I haven't seen before. She is enjoyable.

I am happier too. I have my life back. I am the one in control again. No matter what happens, I know I get my 3 hours to myself every day. I can shower, read, write, have my cup of coffee, put my feet up or do anything else I feel like doing. I wake up excited for the day instead of dreading it. All I can say is that this has changed everything.

I am so proud of my little girl. And I am so proud of myself for having the strength to give her this gift.

Dear Avery -- our first Mother's Day

2009-05-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Avery,

It was a glorious day. You slept 11 1/2 hours last night and played happily in your crib after you woke up. You gave me snuggles and hugs and kisses. And then you gave me a special Mother's Day nap -- over an hour and a half! What more could a momma ask for?

You are the best gift I have ever been given. I love you a million trillion bazillion godillion. And even more than that.

We went out for a special brunch today -- just you, me and Daddy. And then the plan was to plant a Mother's Day tree together in our front yard so we can watch each year as you and the tree and your little brother or sister all grow up together.

But we got sidetracked with a little red wagon. It was a random thought today but we went with it. And it turned into Daddy's big project. He was on a mission. I can't really say it was smooth sailing. But after 2 trips to Walmart, runs to 2 different Targets and a long time in the car stuck in a traffic jam, we got your wagon. And boy was it worth it. You LOVE that thing. And there is nothing, and I mean nothing, in the world that makes me happier than to see you lit up with joy. I think Daddy really knew how to make my day. Did I mention he also dusted, cleaned the bathroom and made the formula today? Your daddy is a good man.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I really am the luckiest lady in all the world. And I am so honored to be your mother.

Love,

Mommy

Who doesn't love Sesame Street?

2009-05-07T06:37:00.000-07:00

I spent the first 7 months of Avery's life trying to steer her away from the tv. When she was really little she was fascinated by it, stretching her neck in every which direction just to catch a glimpse of the big, bright, moving, sound-making machine. On many occasions I had to turn the darn thing off and remind her that her real live mother was much more interesting.

Nowadays she could really care less. Problem is, I kind of want her to care.

See, showering is a challenge. She gets bored sitting in her bouncy seat in the bathroom. And who can blame her? She's a moving, cruising, adventure-seeking little lady. Sitting just isn't her thing. But can I really have her crawling around while I'm behind the curtain. My husband doesn't like the idea. He's afraid she'll lick the toilet. And quite frankly, I'm getting a little tired of playing peek-a-boo while trying to rinse the shampoo out of my hair. But I'm desperate for my 10 uninterrupted minutes of pure hot shower heaven. Is that too much to ask?

Naps are out of the question. By the time I'd get my teeth brushed, clothes off and water on, she'd be screaming letting me know naptime is over. So we decided we'd give up our fight, bow our heads in shame and do what I said I'd never do. Television. Introduce her to Sesame Street. It's educational, right?

So I dragged the exersaucer up to our bedroom and stuck it in front of the tv. I set her up with toys, books and the best children's show of all time. And guess what? She could care less. Apparently Big Bird just isn't her thing.

Yet I find myself embarrassingly mesmerized by the giant yellow bird. We turn it on for her in the morning too when my husband and I need a few extra minutes of shut-eye. She plays happily with her toys and I lie there in bed studying the letter of the day with Elmo and wishing I were 3 again.

Seriously, who doesn't love Sesame Street?

2nd child syndrome

2009-04-29T14:32:00.000-07:00

I have a whole folder full of Avery's ultrasound pictures tucked safely away in her baby box -- 6 weeks, 9 weeks, 12 weeks, 18 weeks, 30 weeks, 37 weeks. I had one hanging on the refrigerator throughout my entire pregnancy. And I always had one in my purse ready to show off wherever I could. I was so proud of my little gummy bear!

This time around, the picture on this blog is all there is. Literally. There was an envelope with these 12-week originals and there was a pile from the 6-week ultrasound too. But they've all mysteriously disappeared. I didn't have a chance to show them off to anybody. Not even my mother.

I was the second child in my family. When I was pregnant with Avery, I asked my mother if I could look at my own baby book. She searched and searched and searched and finally concluded that maybe she just never made one.

So I guess this is the way it goes. I'm so sorry Baby Bahama. It looks like you have officially contracted the second child syndrome.

Dear Avery -- 7 months old

2009-04-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Avery,

I am writing this letter 2 weeks late because you give me very little time to write these days! You are one busy little girl -- crawling all over the place and getting into everything. Half the time I am literally out of breath from chasing you.

Oh and the other day I went to get you after a nap and there you were, standing up in your crib with your head and arms dangling over the side -- you almost gave me a heart attack!! Daddy and Papa lowered the crib that night!

These pictures were from the day you turned 7 months old. We took you to Lake Massapoag where Mommy grew up. It was such a wonderful, special day. Daddy and I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

introducing Baby Bahama!

2009-04-23T04:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, it really is a baby in there with a real beating heart, real waving arms and real kicking feet. It's official -- I am really having another baby!

good-bye to my skinny jeans

2009-04-21T05:11:00.000-07:00

I remember about a week after Avery was born, I braved it up, pulled out my skinny jeans and tried to squeeze myself into them. I could barely get one leg in. It was depressing. But I kept working at it.

I also remember the day a month or two later that I got both legs in. And I remember the day I zipped them all the way up. Pure bliss.

I've worn those beautiful skinny jeans just about every day since. (And I've washed them a thousand times too due to all the spit-up). The bottoms are now frayed and just a week or so ago I noticed a tiny little tear in the left knee that has since grown into a full-blown hole. My jeans have been like my post-partum blankie. I don't go anywhere without them.

Sadly, though, I think our relationship is coming to an end. I am wearing them right now as I type this. But I have to be honest, I'm not very comfortable. I've got a muffin top and it doesn't feel good. And here's a confession -- sometimes when I'm driving, I actually unzip them and let my belly out.

Last time around I couldn't wait to wear my maternity clothes. I had nothing but pure pride for my elastic waist bands and tent shirts. This time around is very different. I look at my maternity wardrobe and I feel a certain loathing. I swear, I just packed it all up.

I've dreaded this day. But I think it might be time. Goodbye skinny jeans. Welcome back maternity.

Look Who's Crawling!

2009-04-19T13:39:00.000-07:00

can I be clear on something?

2009-04-19T06:02:00.000-07:00

I love my daughter. I love her incredibly, more uniquely than anything I've ever loved in my life. It's a love that is pure and unconditional and from the deepest part of my core. She is my biggest joy and my greatest pride. I have moments with her that are so sweet and and wonderful I want to box them up and save them forever. I can honestly say she is the best gift I have ever been given.

But like any mother, I have moments that are difficult too. Motherhood is hard. I do love it, but it's much harder than I ever thought it would be. Adjusting to being a SAHM is hard too. Wonderful, yes. But also hard. Being pregnant while raising a 6-month-old is hard too. Also wonderful. But also hard.

I try not to show my frustrations to my daughter. I don't yell at her. I don't ignore her. Even in my most annoyed state, even when I am lugging her under my arm while pushing a stroller uphill, I paint a smile on my face and kiss her forehead and tell her in my gentlest voice that I love her.

Because I do.

well that wasn't fun

2009-04-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

Avery is having a 30-minute nap kind of day. What's new. I really am trying to just let it go. But it makes for a VEEEEEEERRRRRRYYYYYYYY long day when nap-time is only 30 minutes. So my husband suggested taking her for a walk. It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Why not, right?

I'll tell you why not. Avery decided exactly half-way through our neighborhood loop that she didn't want to be in the stroller anymore. She wanted OUT and she wanted OUT NOW! I realized then that I forgot to bring the ergo carrier with me. I also forgot my cell phone. Nobody was coming to save us. And let me tell you, her screaming doesn't die down in a situation like this. It gets worse and worse and worse and louder and louder and louder. There was only one solution.

So off we went -- a 17-pound baby in one arm and a giant jogging stroller in the other. Bugs in my face, sweat on my back and my panti-liner bunched up in my undies. Yes I am still wearing panti-liners almost 7 months after delivery. I know I need to do my kegels but I barely have time to breathe, never mind remember to flex. Sorry I digress.

We walked over a mile like that, most of it up-hill. Do you know how heavy 17 pounds is after a mile?!?!? I'm sure I was breaking some cardinal rule of pregnancy with this one. But what choice did I have?

I'm trying to enjoy my beautiful baby girl. I really am. But all I could think was "well this isn't fun." In fact, I said that right out loud for all the world to hear. THIS ISN'T FUN AT ALL!!!!!

My hands are full. Literally. How I am going to make room in them for another precious, helpless, needy little life? Can somebody please tell me how on earth am I going to do this?

Dear Avery -- your baby brother or sister

2009-04-18T09:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Avery,

Yesterday was a special day. You came with me to my 12-week appointment. We had to wait a little while in the waiting room. And you -- my little social butterfly -- you loved it. You smiled and laughed and played peek-a-boo with every person who walked by. You were the hit of the office, with your Pebbles style ponytail and your silly little giggles. You lit up the day. And you were so excited, I think you thought we were at Disney World or something.

And then it was our turn. I got on the table and faced the stroller so that you could see everything. I know you obviously had no idea what was going on and I know you won't remember it, but it was so amazing for me to share this special moment with you. You were sitting there smiling ear to ear while my midwife and I listened to the little thump-thump-thump-thump-thump of your little baby brother or sister. I'll never forget that moment. My two babies together.

I love you both.

Love,

Mommy

thump-thump-thump-thump-thump

2009-04-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

Today was my 12-week appointment and I heard the heartbeat of my new little miracle. I don't know that I truly believed it was in there until I actually heard it for myself. Yup, it's definitely in there.

Avery was so good. We had to wait a little while and she smiled and giggled and played peek-a-boo with everyone who walked by. She was the hit of the office. I think my little social butterfly thought we were at Disney World.

One woman smiled at me before she left and told me to be sure to enjoy her. I smiled back. And inside something clicked. I think I've been forgetting to do that lately. I've been so caught up in schedules and sleep patterns and stupid nap training that I've been making us both crazy. Neither one of us have been able to enjoy anything.

Who knew enjoying my beautiful baby girl would be such a hard thing to figure out how to do??? I never dreamed that it would take any actual effort. I know I'm a control freak but I never knew that that would be such an impossible fit with motherhood. I should have left that one behind in the delivery room. The two just don't go hand in hand.

So I am going to stop. I am going to let Avery just be Avery. If she sleeps, she sleeps. And if she doesn't, then oh well. Life will go on. We have too much to enjoy together.

Who knows, maybe I'll get it right next time around.

i am going to lose my mind

2009-04-16T05:59:00.000-07:00

Seriously. A 24 minute nap just isn't enough. It barely even counts. Why won't she sleep? Why??? Oh nap gods please, oh please, oh please help my baby. Her sobs are literally breaking my heart. I am sitting in the hallway right outside her nursery and I am on the verge of big fat sobs myself. I have NO IDEA how to help her.

I swear I'm not selfish. It's not like I want her to nap longer just so that I can have a break. (I mean what kind of break is it anyway when you're stuck in a chair in the hallway the whole time?) I want her to sleep because she needs it. The reason she is fussy all day long is because she isn't getting enough sleep. It's that simple. And all I want is for my baby to be happy. Why on earth is it so hard for me to give her that?!?!

so what's the big secret?

2009-04-15T16:36:00.000-07:00

I know there must be some big secret that people aren't telling me.

When I talk to other moms of 6 and 7-month-olds they tell me that it is the best stage ever. Their babies are blissfully happy, able to entertain themselves and sleeping better than ever. These are the women who bring their little angels with them everywhere they go, proudly showcasing their adorable goos and gaas and giggles for all the world to see.

I am not one of these mothers. And Avery is not one of these babies. Not anymore anyway.

We used to go places. We really did. But these days, even the grocery store is too difficult to manage. She's either in desperate need of a nap, she has a poop in her diaper or she's hungry. Have you ever tried feeding a baby with one arm, grabbing groceries with your other arm and pushing a shopping cart with your hip? I have. And it isn't very fun.

And I know I've mentioned the car before. She just doesn't like it. You might even go so far to say that she hates it. Some might even call her a car screamer. I don't need to go into more detail than that. You get the picture. It isn't pretty.

The stroller is the same way. If I plan it right and she's tired and the stars are all aligned, she'll sleep. But if she wants to play, then she wants to play. And she doesn't want to be strapped into anything. We've had some pretty embarrassing moments in the neighborhood. What kind of baby screams bloody murder in the stroller?!?!?!

My kind apparently.

I love Avery to the moon and back. But I'll be honest. She isn't easy. Not anymore. Her sweet little giggles still completely light up my life, but they seem to be few and far between these days. They've been replaced with constant fussies. She whines for my undivided attention every single second of the day. And I swear to you, she is crappiest napper in the history of all babykind.

None of this is her fault. It is all mine. She is just a baby. She only knows what she's been taught and what she's been given. And clearly I'm doing it all wrong.

HELLO...can somebody please tell me the big secret?!?!!?

I don't feel resentful. I'm not jealous of these other moms. And I really do love my daughter more than anything. But I just feel delinquent (and utterly exhausted of course). Day after day, I try and I try. I put my whole heart and soul into it. But no matter what I do, I just can't seem to make my baby happy. Some days I'm convinced that she actually hates me.

I have no idea what on earth God was thinking by giving me another one. I hope he knows what he's doing.

Because I sure don't.

nap training 101

2009-04-14T05:17:00.001-07:00

Like I said in my last post, I had the easiest baby in the world until the day I found out I was pregnant again. She was happy, sweet and simple. Sometimes she'd go days without any tears at all. I always knew what she needed. And her needs were easy to meet. Feed her. Change her. Smile at her. Put her down to sleep.

She was like clockwork too. She slept 8pm-7am so consistently I don't think she even knew that the hours in between even existed. She wasn't a long napper, but she was consistent. She slept at the same times every day, every 3 hours on the dot. And she never fussed going down. You could put her in her crib and walk away and wallah, beautiful sleeping baby. I thought I had motherhood all figured out.

And then one day something happened. Somebody kidnapped my easy-to-figure-out, happily-sleeping baby and replaced her with a very active, very needy 6-month-old stranger. It started with a growth spurt. And then she started waking at night -- wanting to PLAY!! What?!?!?

Turns out I hadn't figured out motherhood at all. I had just been spoiled silly for the first 5 months! This was the real deal. And I wasn't prepared for it. And on top of all that, I was pregnant, with my head in the toilet and my body begging for sleep. It wasn't very pretty.

And then there was the nap issue. I'd talk to other moms who told me that their 6-month-olds napped for 2 hours. IN A ROW!! What??!?!? Avery was still like clockwork but her clock was really, really short. Her naps were 30 minutes on the dot. Every single time.

So I did the only thing I could. I took out every sleep book from the library and read until I was blue in the face. And all of the books confirmed it -- 30 minute naps were not enough. Not for her and not for me. I needed a break. And 30 minutes was barely long enough for me to pee, brush my teeth and inhale a sleeve of saltines.

I was slowly but surely going crazy.

I tried letting her cry. I tried soothing her right away. I tried letting her nap with me. I tried putting her down at different times. Every solution just created a new problem. I felt more and more inadequate. And more and more exhausted. Sleep is one of the most basic needs and I couldn't figure out a way to provide that for my daughter. I was a failure.

Going anywhere in the car presented even more problems. Either I was trying desperately for her to fall asleep or I was trying desperately for her to not fall asleep so it wouldn't ruin her nap. I'd drive with the windows open, radio turned up, my arm in the back swinging toys in her face and the stress in the pit of my stomach making me physically ill.

Yup, nap-time was going to be the death of me.

I write this post as if it's a problem of the past that's been solved. Sorry to disappoint you but it hasn't. I sit here now in Avery's nursery with the black-out shades hiding me away from the beautiful day. I am trying a new form of nap training this week. She is supposed to be sleeping and I'm here to soothe her back to sleep when she wakes up. Fat chance. She is babbling away right now and playing with her toes. How do you soothe that? I guess it beats screaming. But this girl could care less about sleep.

I wish I could say the same for myself.

my little brown dress

2009-04-13T05:14:00.000-07:00

I swear I had the easiest baby in the world until the day I found out I was pregnant again. I am 11 weeks today and I'm still wondering how on earth this happened. It's not like my husband and I don't know where babies come from. And we're not stupid either.

Well maybe a little.

I didn't want to go back on the pill. He didn't want to use condoms. Insurance wouldn't cover an IUD. And then we thought, well maybe we should just leave it in God's hands. It might be nice to have two close together.

It took a lot of effort to get pregnant the first (and second) times -- ovulation predictor kits, pre-seed, charting, temping, boring planned out baby-making sex, and lots and lots of stress. Never in a million years did I think this would actually happen with nothing. And I mean nothing! Other than a few margaritas on the beach of course. And a little brown dress. Turns out I'm Fertile Myrtle.

Let me tell you about this little brown dress. I wore it to the brunch the morning after our wedding. And I wore it again on our honeymoon in Switzerland. The dress is nothing fancy but it's special to me and it's my favorite. Did I mention it's a size 4? I suppose that might be why it's my favorite.

Anyway, shortly after Avery was born, my husband's company rewarded him with an all-expense-paid trip to the Bahamas. It was that day that I reached into the back of my closet and pulled out my little brown dress and hung it on my closet door. I was not going to be the girl who has a baby and then lets herself go. I just wasn't going to be her. I was going to get my butt (and my belly) back into that size 4 dress if it killed me.

And did I work my butt off!! Once Avery started sleeping through the night, I started dragging myself out of bed at 5:30 to make it to my 6am spinning classes at the gym. (Seriously who does that?!?!) I took a Pilates class on Saturdays and a Strength Training class on Sundays. I followed Weight Watchers religiously and never missed a meeting. I didn't eat desert. I cut my carbs. And within 4 months I had lost ALL of my baby weight plus an additional 8lbs. I was back to my wedding weight. And back into my size 4 dress!

The picture on the sidebar is from the Bahamas. Me in my little brown dress. This might have actually been taken just hours before we conceived (or after -- who can remember?) So where did that dress get me? Feeling sexy enough to seduce my husband? Being sexy enough for him to seduce me back? And there we go. Knocked up again.

I blame the dress.

Well back to the back of my closet it goes. Because it will be a long LONG time before I'll fit into that thing again, if ever. So much for all that work. All those early mornings. All that determination. Now when people see me they think, "Poor thing still hasn't taken her baby weight off. She's still got a belly." And this is what I was so determined to avoid in the first place. And that's what pisses me off more than anything -- I did avoid it, dammit.

Like I said, I have nobody to blame but the damn dress.

Dear Avery -- 6 months old!!

2009-03-25T09:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Avery,

You are 6 months old today -- half-way to your first birthday!!!! I can't believe how much you keep growing and changing and learning every single day. You are eating real people food, waving bye-bye and getting up on your hands and knees and rocking back and forth. I think crawling might just be around the corner. You certainly want to GO!

You also get sweeter every day. Your cuddles still completely melt my heart and your beautiful little giggle is still my favorite thing in the whole wide world.

I'm sorry I haven't been writing to you much. You've been keeping me very busy. And very tired. You've been going through this phase lately (let's HOPE it's just a phase) where you want to start the day at 4:00am. Mommy and Daddy aren't as fond of this idea. And of course your little brother or sister growing inside of me is making me very tired too.

But you and I have this good little thing going on these days. We nap together. People used to always tell me, "Nap when the baby naps" but I never really bought into it. I had too much to do -- laundry, cooking, cleaning, writing. Well all of that has now gone out the window. What's important is that you and I get our playtime together and that we get our beauty sleep.

So every day around 2:00 we go upstairs, get under the covers of my big comfy bed and curl up together with a few of your toys. We play for a few minutes and then we drift off. I don't really know who falls asleep first. But sometimes we don't wake up until after 4:00. I open my eyes and there you are snuggled up in my arms with your rosy little cheeks, breathing quietly in and out and dreaming away.

I love our naps together, Avery. And I can tell you love them too. It's such a special, special time for us -- all three of us.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 5 1/2 months old

2009-03-09T09:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Avery,

I wish I could tell you I was big and brave and confident with this new life growing inside of me. I really thought I would be. I already have you. And the proof is in the pudding -- my bodycan in fact do this.

And I wasn't planning for anything more just yet anyway. I already have you! I don't need anything more. So why am I such an anxious mess?

As it turns out, it isn't really about need at all. No, sweetheart, it's about love. I already love this new little life inside of me. I love it with all of my being. I love it like I love you. And to tell you the truth, I am scared to death of losing it.

I've experienced both sides of the coin. I've lost a life inside of me. And I've tasted the miracle that this tiny life could be. How can I not want that again?

One of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn is this one -- there are no guarantees. You can hope. You can want. You can plan. You can pray. But in the end, there are certain things you just can't control. Unfortunately the miracle of life is one of them. I guess that's what makes it a miracle, right?

So yes, I am scared. I am anxious. I am worried. I am counting down the hours to my first ultrasound on Friday. But...I do believe in miracles.

And you, sweet girl, are my reason why.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- big news!

2009-02-27T09:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

Daddy and I have some very exciting news for you. The dolly in this picture is not the only baby we brought home for you from the Bahamas. That's right, my sweet girl, come November, you are going to be a BIG SISTER!!!!

This news is a surprise to us -- a very welcome surprise! Some people might tell me I'm crazy. They might think that you're going to get jipped. You will only be 13 months when this new baby comes home -- still a baby yourself! I'm going to need to figure out a lot of things. How will I hold you both? Bathe you both? Feed you both? Soothe you both? How will I ever carry you AND a diaper bag AND a newborn in a car seat?

Some people might ask me another question too. How will I ever love you both?

Yes, you are going to have to share a lot of things. You will need to share your toys and your books and maybe even your clothes. And sometimes you might not be so happy about that.

But let me be clear on this. You will never need to share my love. There's no limit to love. It just grows. And Daddy and I will always have plenty to go around. Bringing home a new baby won't ever mean that we'll love you any less. If anything, it will mean that we'll love you more.

You will always be our first born. The first kick in my tummy. The first smile that melted us. The first giggle that filled our hearts. These things will always belong to you.

And now you get to be the BIG SISTER, something that I never got to be myself. I always dreamed of having a little sibling close in age. It was my biggest wish. This new baby is going to adore you. And you are going to just love having somebody to play with. The two of you will share a bond that is different than anything Daddy and I could ever offer you. And I can't wait to witness it.

No, sweet child, I don't think you're getting jipped at all. In fact, I think you and your little brother or sister are just about the luckiest babies in the whole wide world. I am so SO happy for you.

I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

p.s. this is how you told Daddy the news!

Dear Avery -- 5 months old

2009-02-23T09:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

Where has the time gone? You are getting to be such a big beautiful baby. And you started sitting up on your own today!!! I couldn't wait to come home to you after my trip. I practically ran into the house to see you. Do you know that I fall more in love with you every single day?

Last week I had an accident. These things happen, even to grown-ups. I dropped and broke my laptop. It was like a technological fire. Everything was gone -- my music, my poetry, all of my hundreds of pictures of sweet you. The entire hard drive needed to be replaced. I sat there with the computer doctor as he broke this sad news to me. If this had happened a year ago, I know I would have broken down and sobbed for hours. I would have been just devastated.

But I didn't shed any tears. I was frustrated, yes. But I knew it wasn't the end of the world. I looked at you in your stroller flirting away with the computer doctor and I smiled. And then I thanked God. I dropped a laptop. Not you.

When I was a little girl, your Uncle Craig and I had an accident. We dropped an entire jug of apple juice onto Nannie's kitchen floor while she was outside hanging laundry on the clothesline. This was back in the day when everything was glass. The jug shattered and the juice spilled everywhere. We were terrified. We were sure she would kill us. But to our great surprise, Nannie walked in, looked around and said, "Well, let's start cleaning it up." She wasn't even mad!! Nobody was hurt. It could be fixed.

This was my first lesson in not crying over spilled milk -- or in this case, spilled apple juice. I've thought back to this day often and I've spent my life trying to perfect that calm that Nannie so eloquently modeled for me that day in her juice-covered kitchen.

But this hasn't been easy for me. Some spills just seem bigger than others. Last summer I was in hysterics because I closed the trunk of my car on my sunglasses. I was very far from calm. And it was a pair of sunglasses for pete's sake.

You have given me such a gift, Avery. Perspective. You have taught me to look at life with a whole new set of eyes. You have shown me what matters. You have made the small stuff easier to handle. And you've helped me see that it's almost all small stuff. You've finally brought clarity to the lesson that my grandmother tried so hard to teach me so many years ago.

You, sweet girl, have made my world a happier place. Just by being you.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- from the Bahamas

2009-02-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

I am writing this from the Bahamas. I am looking out over the balcony -- the sun is shining, the palm trees are swaying, the ocean is glistening aqua blue. I miss you.

I keep thinking about what it would be like if you were here with us. I know you'd love all the bright colors -- the trees, the ocean, the gardens -- and I know you'd love the little kiddy pool. But here's what you'd hate --that fresh, strong ocean breeze and the beautiful, hard stone floor of our suite. And I know you'd just try to eat all the soft white sand.

I think we made the right choice to leave you with Nana and Papa.

Daddy and I are having a really good time. We've been snorkeling along the coral reef and seen Nemo up close and personal. We've had frozen cocktails right on the beach. We've floated on boogie boards and let the waves carry us wherever they've wanted us to go. We've gone running together barefoot on the white sandy beach. We've eaten fresh conch salad pulled right from the shell in front of our eyes. We've had fancy dinners, boat rides to tiny islands and cold drinks in the hot tub. We've been massaged head to toe, waited on hand and foot and treated like nothing less than royalty. As I type this, Daddy is taking a lazy afternoon nap and I am wrapped in my robe, fresh from a long hot bubble bath. This is the vacation of a life-time.

Still, though, the best part of my every day here is coming back to our suite to watch the little 30-second videos of you that Nana and Papa keep sending us. Beautiful, little, smiling you. I am going to be so happy to come home to you.

As much as I am missing you right now, I know that Daddy and I will return to you even better parents than when we left. A good parent is a happy parent. And a happy parent comes from a happy marriage. Taking time to do things together as a couple is just as important as tucking you in at night. This step back from reality has brought Daddy and I a step closer together. We are falling in love all over again.

Somebody once told me that the key to a happy marriage is to do just that -- find a way to fall in love over and over and over again. So far, I'd have to agree.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Avery -- 4 1/2 months old

2009-02-08T09:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

I am on an airplane right now, a million miles away from you. I really thought about packing you up and taking you along with me. You did fit very nicely inside my suitcase, but I knew all along that I was going to have to say good-bye.

I left you last night, making sure you were filled with sweet dreams before I placed one last kiss on your forehead and walked away. I did better than I thought I would. No tears. Not then anyway. Nana & Papa called this morning and told me you woke up all smiles. I know you will be fine. You will be better than fine. You will have a ball.

You are the lucky one. You are too young to have any concept of time or miles.

I did ok until I stepped into the airport this morning. There was a woman with a baby. He was strapped to her chest, snuggling into his mama while she smoothed the hair on the top of his head and did the mama sway back and forth. I longed for you. Why weren’t you here with me too? The tears sprung to my eyes.

I felt compelled to talk to this mother and tell her that I was a mother too. I needed her – I needed SOMEONE – to know that I, too, knew how to do the mama sway. I walked up to her, asked how old her baby was and told her that my little girl was at home with her grandparents. The look on her face broke me. She thought I was crazy. The questions were there written all over her face. You left your 4-MONTH-OLD?!?! How could you?!? What kind of mother are you???

And now I am left to ponder these questions on my own. Am I selfish? Cold? Just plain crazy??? What kind of mother leaves her baby???

I want you to know that I never wanted to leave you. Never in a million years would I have actually planned a trip like this. But it is what it is and here I am. On my way. And I do know in the big picture, this was what was best for you and best for me and Daddy. Your daddy worked very, very hard for this week of tropical paradise. We deserve this. And god help me, we will enjoy it.

But still, it’s strange not having you here with me. Empty. I miss you so much my heart hurts. But it’s even more than that. There is another question burning inside of me.

Who am I without you?

I know who I am with you. I am beautiful. Even with my unwashed hair, unbrushed teeth and sweatpants stained with spit-up, I am still beautiful, the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. And I am funny. With my horrible nails-on-chalkboard singing voice, I can make your whole face light up and dance with laughter. And I am brilliant. You watch my every move with those wide awe-struck eyes of yours and you hang on my every word.

Your presence just makes me more. You love me so fully, it’s hard to imagine I even existed before you came along. I’m not so sure anymore that I ever did.

Other people have suddenly been drawn to me too. In the check-out line at the grocery store, the library, the bank – everyone wants to talk to me, be near me, be my friend. I’ve grown quite used to it. But it finally dawned on me today that they aren’t drawn to me. They are drawn toyou. Beautiful, amazing, perfect little you. Of course. Duh. Nobody has even looked twice at me on this plane to the Bahamas. I am no longer a shining star. I am ordinary.

I didn’t even realize that somehow in the last 4 months I had become an extension of you. And all along I thought it was supposed to be the other way around. Silly me.

As I’m writing this, though, I know it isn’t all true. I am sitting next to your daddy, the love of my life, and I know he sees me as you do. He saw me that way long before you were here. I’m not ordinary to him.

I was someone before you were born, my sweet girl. And I am still her. Just more.

And even if I don’t exist to all these strangers on the airplane, that's ok too. Because next week when I am holding you on my chest, swaying with you back and forth, smoothing the hair on the top of your head and watching you look up at me, I know I will be very, very far from ordinary.

I love you and miss you so much.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Avery -- 4 months old

2009-01-28T09:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

You are 4 months old now. You are rolling all over the place, cooing to your "friends", reaching for your toys, trying to hold your bottle on your own, smiling at every new face and always, always laughing at your daddy.

Right now you are sleeping away in your crib, Daddy is on the road, the snow is falling and the house is quiet.

Next week Daddy and I are going away on a trip. I wish you could come with us. But you wouldn't like it very much. It will be hot and sandy and unfamiliar. And your toys wouldn't fit in our suitcase anyway.

So you will stay with Nana and Papa. I know you will love it there. They will shower you with hugs and cuddles and kisses. They will feed you and sing to you and play with you and read you bedtime stories. They will love you to pieces every minute of every day that we are gone.

I'm hoping you won't even miss us. I pray that you are too young to recognize our absence and that you will just be happy to be fed and bathed and loved. I think this is going to be a whole lot harder for me than it will be for you. I'm going to hate leaving you. It's going to just break my heart.

But I promise to come back. And when I do, I will be rested, rejuvenated and even more in love with your daddy than I already am. I'll also be more in love with you. I will be full of energy and ready to give you my undivided attention and cherish all of our little moments together. I can't wait for that giant toothless smile of yours and those big bright eyes to welcome me home. I am going to swoop you right up and hold you close to me and kiss you all over.

And you won't even remember that I was ever gone.

I love you.

Love,

Mommy.

Dear Avery -- Tummy Bug :(

2009-01-23T09:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

It's been a rough week. You are sick with a tummy bug and it just seems to be lingering and lingering. Daddy had to go away to Maine for work so it's just me and you, sweetheart.

Last night was the worst of it. (I hope) There I was with you in the bathroom. Both of us dripping in puke. A puddle on the floor. Your diaper filled with diarrhea. Your body arched in pain. Your screams breaking my heart. Your little helpless face begging me to fix it.

And it hit me.

This is motherhood. Raw and pure and true. This is what it's all about. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a magician. I have neither a prescription pad nor a magic wand. I can't always just make it all go away. The only thing I have to offer you is a mother's love.

And in that smelly, messy, panicky moment, I had never loved you more.

My job as your mother is to love the hell out of you. Literally. Love that tummy bug HELL right out of you. And so that's what I'm going to do. No matter how many sleepless nights, dirty diapers and loads of laundry it takes, I am going to love you back to health.

After I got us all cleaned up, I called Auntie Shannon to come over with some medicine. And then I wrapped you up in a towel and I held you close to me. And loved you.

By the time she got here, you were all smiles again. My happy little girl. The tummy bug isn't gone yet. You still don't feel so good. But even so, you are happy.

And let me tell you, you are so very loved.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 3 1/2 months old

2009-01-07T09:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

Yesterday you had your very first big BUMP. You hit that beautiful little head of yours on the family room floor. HARD!!! You screamed bloody murder. Even a dance with your daddy in the mirror didn't make you all better.

It wasn't like I had my back turned or anything. We were playing together on your playmat. I was holding your hands! But still, it happened. And boy did I feel terrible. I'm your mother -- isn't it my job to protect you???

The answer to that, I'm afraid, is yes and no. Unfortunately that won't be your last bump in life. I wish I could spare you from all pain, but the reality is you will have your fair share of skinned knees, stubbed toes and broken hearts just like everybody else. I can do everything in my power to cushion your falls (and I will!) but I can't always stop you from falling.

What I can do, though, is hold you close, rock you in my arms and kiss away your tears when you do fall. That's what I did for you yesterday.

And it's what I will do for you forever and ever. I love you so much sweet girl.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- Happy 2009!

2009-01-01T09:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

How do I sum up 2008? A year of excitement. A year of wonder. A year of anticipation. 2008 was a year of big changes in the world. Our first black president. The tanking of the economy. Michael Phelps defining new limits.

It was a year of big changes in my world too. It was the year I became a mother. It was the year I got to watch Daddy fall in love all over again. 2008 was the year of you.

How could 2009 ever top that? Well that's the best part. 2009 will be the year of you too. It will be the year of your first steps and your first words and your first birthday. It will hold so many treasures for us. And so will 2010 and 2011 and 2012 and so on and so on.

Every year will be the year of you. Your are ours forever. I really am the luckiest mommy on earth.

I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 3 months old

2008-12-29T10:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

I can't believe you are 3 months old already! You have gone from being an infant -- a newborn -- to being a real live BABY! You are sturdy and fat and curious and happy and beautiful.

Last night was your first night in your crib. Daddy and I missed you. One of our favorite things to do is to watch you sleep. But we knew it was time to let you do it on your own. Hard as it was, we had to let you grow up a little. We had to let you go.

Turns out you still needed us though. You cried every 20 minutes for your binky. Daddy and I took turns running into your room to give it to you. It wasn't a good night's sleep for either of us but we didn't mind. You still woke up all smiles and that was all that mattered to us.

Some day I suppose you'll leave us again. You'll want to have a sleepover or go on a date or go off to college or get an apartment or get married. That won't be easy for us either. Like last night, we'll miss you. But we'll have to let you go. And as long as you're all smiles, we'll know it's the right thing to do.

You certainly won't be needing your binky by then. But whatever it is you do need, Daddy and I will come running. Whether you're down the hall or around the world, I can promise you this -- we'll be there.

We love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 13 weeks old

2008-12-23T10:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

Daddy and I were just talking about how we get excited to wake up in the morning because we know you'll be there ready to greet us with that big smile of yours. There is nothing more beautiful. And it's even better now that you're consistently sleeping until morning! Every day with you, Avery, is a gift. And I treasure each and every one of them.

You celebrated the start of your first Hanukkah the other night and are about to celebrate your very first Christmas. All of these firsts with you are so special and I am so lucky to spend them all with you.

Daddy asked me what I wanted from Santa this year. I told him I already have everything I could ever want.

I love you and Daddy so much.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 12 weeks old

2008-12-18T10:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

Yesterday was our Weight Watchers day. I love bringing you there. And you love it too. You stand on my lap and look around and smile at everyone. You are so social. And boy do you bring joy to all the old ladies at our meeting. They always tell me what a good baby you are!

I didn't lose any weight this week. Actually I gained a little. But it's ok. Because I gained something else while we were there. A new friend.

You'd think that making friends as an adult is easy. Actually it isn't. It's a little bit trickier than it was as a kid. And I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it.

I've always had good friends. Friendship has been a constant source of joy and energy and warmth and love in my life. I wouldn't trade my friends for anything.

But as I've grown up, so have they. They have jobs and families and travels and schedules. They have lives. And theirs don't always line up with mine. I find myself talking about you sleeping through the night or throwing up all over me or pooping on our neighbor's rug. And you know what? They're not always all that interested. I don't blame them really. I wouldn't have been interested a few months ago either.

But time marches on. Old chapters close and new ones open. Kind of like friendships. Only old friendships don't have to end. They are the most special kind. But there's always room for new ones.

So you and I are making new friends together. Thomas is just about a month older than you. The old ladies in our meeting like to say that he's your boyfriend. You sure do love looking at him! Thomas is your new friend. And his mommy is my new friend.

We did the same with our neighbors. Hunter is a month younger than you. He is your other new friend and his mommy is mine. They don't mind talking about poop. In fact, it was his rug you pooped on!

The other day we went to play with Michelle and Zoey. Do you know that Michelle is my oldest friend? I've known her my whole entire life. Our mommies became friends when we were babies. And now our babies are friends. Amazing, isn't it?

Finding a friend is like finding a treasure. I'm so proud of us, Avery. What a wonderful adventure we're having finding them together.

I love you sweet girl.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 11 weeks old

2008-12-10T10:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

I used to worry about postpartum depression. I worried that without working, I'd be sitting at home all day bored to death. I feared that I would desperately miss interacting with other adults. I was afraid I would get frustrated with you. Bored. Lonely.

Turns out, though, the only postpartum thing I have is postpartum euphoria. I love being at home with you. I am the happiest and fullest I've ever been. I love our walks together. I love playing with you. I love singing to you and dancing around crazy to make you laugh. I love feeding you and bathing you and dressing you and putting little bows in your hair. I don't even mind changing your stinky diapers. I love being the one to take care of you. I just love all of it.

I've done a good job making friends and keeping busy. We have lunch with Grammy every Wednesday. We see Auntie Shannon and Carter and Mason (and now Hadley!) all the time. We go to Weight Watchers every week. We have playdates with our neighbors. We go to story hour at the library. And we'll be starting a play group soon. I think you're starting to be a little social butterfly just like your mommy.

Sure there are little frustrations here and there. Sometimes you won't eat. Or nap. And sometimes you scream. But when you do, I am the one that gets to soothe you. I rock you back and forth and tell you over and over, "Mama's right here."

I love that I'm right here. And when you smile up at me, all of that other stuff just disappears. There's no place else I'd want to be.

Before I was your mommy, though, I had another job. I was a teacher. For 10 years. I loved what I did. I was good at it and I was proud of myself for that. Daddy and I made the decision together for me to take this year off. We decided to do it as a gift to you. I wanted to save all of my time and energy and give it to you during this first year of your life. Daddy wanted you to be cared for by me, not some stranger.

Turns out, this year is a gift to me too. A gift to our whole family I think. As Daddy likes to say, "a happy wife is a happy life." We're pretty happy around here, Avery.

Yesterday we went for a visit to my old school (you were quite a hit with all the ladies and all the kids!) and I realized this. I really don't miss it. It was fun to see my friends. But I don't want to spend my days teaching other people's children. I want to spend my days teaching you.

Someday I may decide to do both. I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. But for now I want you to know how much I just love being your mother. It is the best job in the world.

I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 10.5 weeks old

2008-12-09T10:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

You are not the baby anymore. That's right -- your LITTLE cousin, Hadley Isabel, arrived on Sunday. I am beyond excited that she's here and she's healthy and she's A GIRL!!!!! Don't tell Auntie Shannon or Uncle Craig, but all of my fingers and toes were crossed for a girl! You don't know it yet but I think you're happy about this too.

I have so many dreams for you, sweet Avery. I think that's what mommies do -- they dream for their babies since their babies are too young to do it for themselves.

And now I can dream for you and Hadley together. That you will grow up as cousins, best friends and "sisters." That you'll share dolls and clothes and shoes and make-up and bows. That you'll trade good laughs and good cries and all of your deepest darkest secrets. You're going to have so much fun growing up together! I just know it.

Let's just hope you don't share boyfriends.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 9 weeks old

2008-11-26T10:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. With all the hustle-bustle of your Grandma & Poppy coming to visit, I'm worried I won't have a minute to write to you. So I will do it now.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect, a time to feel grateful for the things in your life. Last year at this time I struggled to feel thankful. My heart was broken and I thought I would never hold a beautiful baby in my arms and know that it was mine.

Today -- just one year later -- I hold you. You are fast asleep on my chest as I write this. I feel your tiny little foot kicking against my elbow and your tiny little fingers gripping on to my sweatshirt. And I hear you breathing in and out. You are so peaceful, so content. It is the most beautiful sound.

I am thankful for your breath. Thankful for those tiny little fingers and toes. Thankful for all your smiles and your coos.

I am thankful for you. More thankful than I could ever explain. Some day, when you hold a tiny child of your own, you will understand.

I am thankful for your wonderful daddy too.

I am a lucky, lucky lady. I didn't know it a year ago. But I won't ever forget it now.

I love you sweet Avery.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 8 weeks old

2008-11-20T10:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

We've started a family tradition. Every night at bedtime we tell one another about the best part of our day and the worst part of our day. Since you can't talk yet, Mommy has to guess for you. But you give me good clues. When you smile big and beautiful, I know you are happy. And when you scream and scream and scream, I know you are not. Yesterday I think the best part of your day was when I read you "Goodnight Moon." You just smiled and smiled and smiled and looked at me with those big wide eyes. The worst part of your day was definitely at the grocery store. Yikes!

Daddy asked me about my best part yesterday. I said it was seeing Grammy's face when she walked into D'angelos. We meet Grammy for lunch every Wednesday. She only gets a 30-minute lunch break but I'm telling you, it is the best 30 minutes of her whole week. Her whole face lights up when she sees you.

That's the thing, Avery. You have a special gift. You bring joy and light to everyone around you.

Nana and Papa came the other day. It was Nana's birthday. I think spending it with you was her best present. And boy did you smile that big pretty smile at your Papa! We went to visit your great-grandparents, Nannie and Papa Bob, last week too. You followed Papa Bob with your eyes everywhere he went. He felt so loved by you. And I felt so blessed to be there to witness it.

We spend every Thursday with Auntie Shannon and Carter and Mason. When I meet Carter at his bus stop and tell him you are waiting inside with his mommy, he always shouts out a big "YES!" And Mason has started putting a diaper on his "Cookie" and giving him a bottle just like you!

Grandma and Poppy are coming next week for Thanksgiving. They can't wait. And I can't wait to give them the gift of you too.

I am so proud of you for giving so much joy to all the people around you. I am so honored to be your mother.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 7 weeks old

2008-11-14T10:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,

I have a story to tell you today. You have a sister. You are our first-born, yes. But there was a baby -- a life -- that came before you. You have an angel sister. She was created and loved and celebrated. But never born. She went from my tummy straight to heaven. And it was one year ago today that she got her angel wings.

You never got to know her. And neither did we. But she touched us all and left Daddy and I with so much. She gave us joy. She gave us strength. She gave us hope. And more than anything else, she left us with perspective. She taught us to grieve without shame. To appreciate. To love without reservation. To believe in miracles.

She touched a lot of other people too. Strangers. Her tiny little life, short as it was, had weight. She will not be forgotten.

So today we remember. And we thank her for her precious gifts. In fact, I'm looking at her best gift right now.

Yes, my sweet girl, she gave us you.

I love you both so much.

Love,

Mommy